A Widows Perspective

Hanging in There...

2012-01-09T14:44:00.000-09:00

Well, ya, its been awhile. Pretty much just settling in and getting a routine down. Look over the month of December and see what I learned and accomplished Quite a bit.

Survived a major domestic crisis....check

Survived a major friend "let down/hurt" ending in loss of friendship and a sum I couldn't really afford. In short I was invited to travel and spend holidays with a friend, and that friend after I made the arrangements and double check prior to, just to be sure, then did not contact me ever again so I did not go. First clue-when I asked for an address I received a P.O. Box....check

Recognized a manipulative situation and actually followed through with my intuition ended up being a wise choice...check

Followed through on a plan I really committed too...check

Spent ALL holidays alone and managed quite well...check

I find that to be enough to be a years worth of progress! So I'm just here patting my self on the back for handling it all so well. Biggest lesson of all, trust my intuition. Its not wacky or off-balance; it always has been and always will be there!

Lets Get Together

2011-12-11T23:49:00.001-09:00

Appropriate. Forget-me-nots

How often have you heard, "hey, we should get together, give me a call!" and they walk off. You realize you don't have their phone number and ask for it. You put it in your phone and actually give them a call only to hear nothing on the other end. Nothing such as no one picks up or ever call you back when you leave a message. I've also been invited to dinner to, "get me out of the house." Okay I'll bite, so I call and you hear a familiar voice and so you say hello. She asks, "who is this?" I say my name and a response of, "Well so and so is not here I will give her the message." At this point you realize the invitation was actually wasted breath for lack of anything else to say. How many times do we fall for this?

The other one I like is, "Oh I am so glad to see you. Its nice to see you out. You look good. We need to get together. I'll give you a call." You're polite and say, "Oh I would love that Thank-you." but deep in your heart you know you will never hear from this person. Guess what, you never hear from the person.

This is what I call setting a widow up for false sense of hope that others do care and the hope that someone won't mind our company. Unfortunately, most of us only hear from these folks if there is something involved meaning taking up your entire day, or a laying of hands to heal you.

Perhaps all these individuals mean well. I'll never understand, why say it if you don't mean it cause indeed that leaves us felling far more isolated and down than before it was mentioned Its a torturous mind bend that causes you hope, excitement, the feeling of "wow, people are actually over their weirdness like I have caught a contagious disease." This is great. Your heart pounds at the possibility of human contact and friendship.

A while back I had been running into the numerous widows here. Many who lost their husbands right after me or just before. I always wondered why we never got together. It is a small town and we know who we are. Unfortunately, all we do is stop and acknowledge that things have not gotten better and how we are treated like the plague.

When it dawned on me. We never ask to get together because everyone in our life pulls the ole "we'll get together," just to have a total and complete avoidance game again. It hurts and it hurts deeply. Sad very sad when we try to approach it, and all we think is "Oh another waste of breath just to sound nice?"

What a huge pity that so many of us here have been hurt so much by the actions of "well meaning folks." Our brains shut down and we just don't do it. We don't ask. We don't want to go through the rejection again and again. So where I live, we do acknowledge each other but we never venture into getting together. I always wondered why, but now I understand.

How many times must we be flat out rejected, misunderstood, or others feel "better" than us. Individuals like this we run into far too much, If we mention it or fall for it again we just to have to go through pain, emotional heaviness, being in the slumps and depressed once again. Its almost like all 7 of us just don't want to be hurt again, cause we know no one wants to be around us. We do understand each other, we do empathize, and we do mention wondering how each of us are doing. BUT never do we try to create a meeting with all of us. We feel it would just lead to more disappointment. Alas, we move on knowing that we understand each other, but rejection from a sister widow would be the worse possible event to happen.

It hurts to be rejected by fellow widows and puts you into a slump harder than ever to come out of.

Gossip

2011-11-27T15:24:00.000-09:00

Usually a time arrives, in our lives, when we realize saying whatever about others in a bad way has negative repercussions. For some individuals, they never seem to advance to this stage in life. They do not recognize the negativity coming from their lips hurts not only them, but those they speak of.

The most amazing thing is when widows gossip about widows. Yet then, why would I be surprised over such an event? What you were before you became a widow (er) only lies dormant until you allow it to make its way to the surface.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't as if I have never gossiped before. It is very easy to get wrapped up into something you shouldn't or have no right to. This is human nature. The wonderful fact about human nature is it can be manipulated by our own will. So that which we do not like or bad habits we have can be changed. Lovely isn't it?

Defining lines as to what is gossip and what is not bears great anxiety for some of us. We need to visit. We need to laugh. Unfortunately sometimes it is at someone's expense. As awful as it sounds, this is actually quite normal. Did I say normal? Remind me not to do that again. Let me say, human nature. Its a natural response in communicating.

What is not natural, and is what I would consider in poor taste, is adding snooping to gossip. Snooping as in taking measures to intrude on the privacy of others with the sole reason to have something to talk about. This is when it has breached the natural human nature response and gravitates into the malicious state. Hence, we now have a poor case of malicious gossip.

Consider this, if I left my cell phone at your house, would you go through my texts to find out what I was talking about and to whom? Sure, it would be tempting (human nature), but a majority of us would not. We have the ability to articulate that which we know is right vs. wrong, ethical vs. unethical or moral vs. immoral. Just because you can and have the control to, doesn't necessarily mean it is right to do. Alright, so that is a clear example. If we note such things coming to the surface after our loved ones have left; chances are it was a pre-existing condition.

As tragic and terrible as our lives have been, due to the death of our loved one, wouldn't it makes sense to pick up the pieces? We have the opportunity to notice both negative and positive qualities because we can focus on ourselves now. Not that any of us chose this, but it does exist now. If we see serious negative behavior surfacing, perhaps now is the time to focus on it and make it go away. I say serious because truly to be human it involves negative and positive. It takes a great deal of patience with trial and error to change ourselves, but I am here to say, it can be done.

So here I am with a challenge for you and for myself. Now that we are forced to focus on ourselves, we might as well change a few damaging habits we see surfacing. I wonder how many will, or have, taken this challenge in their life when they have the opportunity to?

Taking a Deep Breath...

2011-11-23T00:07:00.000-09:00

Taking a step toward a goal may seem like such an easy event. It really should be, but for some reason, I continually chickened out. Just as I was ready to take that step, in fact always in mid-stride, I'd receive a bantering of "you can't do that" or "you'll never do it." This reverberates harshly in your heart when heard from those in the professional field of assisting those like me to get back on their feet and gain self confidence once again. It has been, well, it affected me because I was losing faith in myself and what I could do.

No matter, this really shouldn't stop a person. What we do not realize is when we are in the situation of having a spouse pass away, a great deal of our inner strength goes into hiding. We lose our footing. We're scared. We often succumb to criticisms because we are on such unsteady ground physically and emotionally. Every piece of our personality has been stunned into a shock displacing our once grounded reality.

After a great deal of consideration, soul searching, and trying to find something I was going to do with Rob but didn't get a chance too. I listed one thing. One thing and decided I was going to succeed this year in one thing come hell or high water. If I did not succeed, I decided it would not be due to lack of effort nor listening to the defeatist attitude I am carrying.

I wrote down what it was. Then, my final light.. What I wanted or desired as an outcome of what I was doing. I researched to find out what was the best first step for me to take and built from there. Next is to stop myself and say...back to what you are doing. Your decision, remain firm.

Wow. Just three weeks ago I said, "No" for the very first time. It wasn't that hard, but it was a step. Now I am taking more steps reminding myself to keep my eye on "What I want." Its not easy, and I waver off path, but always come back. I am determined to continue this upward swing and maintain it. I can do it and will.

Okay Pep talk done!

Wake Up!

2011-11-18T11:34:00.012-09:00

Such lucid dreams. I used to have such dreams. When my husband was ill I would dream lucidly that he was not. Rare very rare is it for me to have a dream where he is still alive and I wake up confused.

Such dreams have been hitting as waves and bashing me against the rocks in my little world that is like a tiny dory on the seas of life. What exactly is going on and why after so long would I begin to have such dreams?

Its so odd really, I am so so sad in the dream yet happy at the same time. I am looking at him through a window frame. He's laughing and being playful as usual and I am laughing back. I miss the playing. Young at heart we will always be. Its bright ever so bright. I know he's gone and I'm so very sad, yet there he is on the other side of the window waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and so...alive.

On the other side of me, another window I can look through. I can't make out all the people there, but whoever they are, they make me happy, but I want to look longer through the window with my husband. He's alive for a bit and I must connect while I can...and suddenly in the dream, that dream that has been waking me up confused for days in a row...I realize this is a dream.

I am able to take control and wake up. Wake up Robin, don't be sad when you do. I wake up and focus on the light I have trained myself to look for. Ah, there it is the light on the heater. I know I am home. Now I begin to understand.

Something new, I can feel it, something is turning the tide in the sea of life again. This time I have no fear and I have my oars. I guess we'll see where this tide change takes me this time. I won't question it, I'll go with it. Why not?

Happy Birthday

2011-11-16T14:18:00.001-09:00

Dear Rob,

Today is your birthday, the one day we've never forgot. I remember how hard you fought to keep alive to see your birthday, yet were so sick all we could do was a cheer with a protein smoothie. That's alright because as you said, you were happy to make it to your birthday. Your birthday is always so important now.

Are you wondering how I am doing? I bet you are, you ALWAYS worried about me. Loved me unconditionally and took care of me far more than I realized. Funny how independent and hard headed I was yet you put up with it. Well, let me tell you what I have been learning. Maybe it will make you laugh and feel better.

Life has been, well awkward to say the least. It seems our life was always awkward, but I mean, really awkward. On some days it has been worse than others. But then, it's always been that way hasn't it?

Have I tried to date. Yes, I suppose I did and failed miserably. As you well know I'm not a gad about and really don't do the "date" thing well. You were the only one able to pull me out of my shell. The first guy I dated was a wind bagged pompous ass. As you know, I really am particular. After realizing he could never be you...I realized its not time for me to date.

I have some good friends now, I have never met them in person, but...all the same they are good friends. Many have gone through what I have or they are going through what I went through. It forms a bond. One made a post the other day by listing things she has learned. So you know what honey, I'm gonna make a list. It is so much more proficient. But I will save it for a later time. Right now, I just kinda miss you and want to talk to you.

Did I mention I change my mind more often these days? I decided not to be proficient to day and I'll make you laugh another day!

Did I ever thank-you for appreciating and fostering my independence? How about laughing with me when I make mistakes? Anymore, my Love, mistakes are serious and watchful eyes are upon us. Silly rabbits don't they know tricks are for kids? We were so youthful in our playful hearts no matter how many years went by!

Which reminds me, I still love you even though you are three years older than me. The sad thing is, it appears I have caught up with you in age and will pass your age by. You my Love will be forever young. Thank-god cause it sucks getting old.

Oh, did I tell you I am sick? Yep, but not as sick as you were not yet anyway. Chin up dear. I know if you were here to help me you would. I'm sure your heart weeps cause you cannot. Its okay, I can do this.

The kids are fine, except one has disowned me as a mother. Yes, you're right, she always does this. But other than that life is fine. They are all married and doing well except our youngest. I gotta tell you, that couple is not married and have child on the way. Yes, your childhood friend's daughter. Isn't life something? By the way if you have any control over life wherever you may be, could you please have the baby be a boy? If so we'll have someone named after you! I'd like that very much.

I could talk on forever as I have not found a person of the opposite sex who appreciates my candor and oddities as much as you. Their loss and your gain is what you would say. It's not that I'm not trying...actually, nope not even trying. I don't care anymore. I mean I do but I don't.

I can say this because as long as you are alive in spirit, I am never quite alone. Seriously, there will never be another you. I know, yes, I know, I should give them a break. But you know my response...why? By the way, even though you had to die, I thank-you for the Super Woman Cape you left behind. It comes in quite handy, but I still need to learn its special powers. Thanks for being patient while I learn how to use it.

Well, you have a lovely birthday my dear. Don't drink too much okay. Thanks for thinking of me, cause I know if I am thinking of you, you are thinking of me. We are connected.

Happy Birthday

What is Control?

2011-11-12T02:01:00.000-09:00

Do any of us really have full and complete control over our lives. Even those who are not going through the experiences we, "widows," endure daily?
I do wonder, and tonight I come to you with a few thoughts regarding this wonder. When does one actually take control and how?

I've been learning some valuable lessons this week. To gain control of your life is like this song. You try so very hard, and then the love you have for someone, who is no longer in the living, takes hold of your very heart. It squeezes so hard. The ache begins to spread. You know you cannot bring him back, you cannot live a life with him, even thinking so, "you might as well catch the wind"

But what you can do, is continue trying no matter what boulder is rolled in front of you. You can eventually conquer the boulder even if a little bit at a time.

That little bit at a time is just like one step, the smallest step, this is the key to taking bigger steps.

Today, today I saw signs, signs I have ignored for the last few years. I paid them no heed. Red flags or two by fours were having no effect. I thought this one step is small since I have so many larger red flags and bigger things to gain control over.

When it came to me. Its all the same. It has to all be done and you have to start no matter the size.

Today, I made a decision to to take that one small step. Its frightening. But this pales in comparison to others I need also take. Today for the first time, I stood my ground and I said, "No, I will not." I did in fact take control of something I normally would allow trample on me.

In doing this...then the second I may not find is as difficult. See? By the time I hit the larger ones I will have regained my inner self. The person I always have been but hid away cause it didn't matter.

I can't catch the Wind

But I can catch the leaves blowing by

He's Gone Get Over It

2011-10-16T01:27:00.000-08:00

This week has been phenomenally...weird. Normally I would be emotional because its real close to that day. You know the day I speak of. It will be 4 years. What brought all this up?

In my email from a psychic group was an article saying, "He's Gone Get Over It" At first I thought they meant old boyfriends. As I read it said, widows, divorcee's...

Not just two years ago...maybe not even that, I would have been angry, burst into tears, you name it. In fact knowing me I may have just written to the company and gave them a few choice words regarding the ignorance of a person who is supposed to be able to "see" into your life.

However, not this time. Instead I found my self giggling. What an incredibly rude and hurtful thing to say to a widow. He's Gone Get Over It. Who in their right mind would even think that we can just flip a damn switch and taaaa daaaa, all our pain is gone.

Well, it doesn't happen that way.
I will say however that I have had the opportunity this summer to do a lot of soul searching. With this comes flash backs of hurtful things said to me. Things I just put aside and shrug off, or at least I thought I did. It doesn't happen that way.

Here are some examples of what not to do to a widow, or anyone else as far as that goes. Did your parents teach you no respect of others?

When are you going to get remarried?

When are you going to get over it and move on?

Hasn't it been long enough?

When are you going to start doing things yourself?

Wow, lets overwhelm the senses and ask absolutely worthless questions. The only one of these I can definitely answer today is, "When are you going to start doing things yourself?" I started the day when my husband was diagnosed. If you can't understand this, then I suggest you go take some classes on care-giving and end of life.

The question is: Where were YOU when I needed you?

Autopilot

2011-10-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

Occasionally you wake up and just suddenly "get it." You get what you have been trying to figure out, Now what? After seeing my counselor, I suddenly realized...I've been on autopilot for several years now. How do I turn the autopilot off?

What is even sillier is, I have known this, so why couldn't I embrace that. Yet, today I can. So how do I stop the autopilot? I have signs up all over my house now saying, "STOP, what are you doing?" The second step to getting off autopilot is recognizing it when it happens.

This summer has lead me on a journey growing my wings. That day, the very day, the diagnosis came through I went into autopilot. It was as if I have stepped outside my body and was sitting back watching myself bounce off wall after wall that I had built.

The first step in resolving this issue is recognize autopilot. This I have known. I would see progress three steps forward, then boom, ten steps back. I had lost control. Time to start taking control back. I'll make mistakes along the way, but forward will happen. With the realization of what is going on, I can work from there and start recognizing when I begin the backward steps.

Hence in my house, all over there are now signs. Signs saying Stop: Wait a minute. Is this right?

STOP: Wait a minute

Don't Tell Me What to Do.

2011-09-27T00:00:00.004-08:00

Thinking back on annoying situations throughout this journey of being "widowed" but not really a "widow" has brought up some incredibly humorous and irritating situations.

Just yesterday I flashed back on a time I made a call to a free psychic. Just wanted to see; curiosity you know. The woman on the line didn't even ask my name and immediately spouted off: "You are being cheated on, she is evil, it is destroying your relationship...For 150.00 I can get rid of her without any serious repercussions." Ohhhh really? I was stunned and said, "Wow, I guess my deceased husband found a girlfriend."

Funny thing is 6 months ago I would not have thought it funny, but when I told the story yesterday, it was funny as hell. So, things are changing and so is my perspective of self.

As I glance back to remember what happened to "me" I remember one of the most irritating situations I had to endure. Let me set up the scenario here:

Friend one: Call came Day after Death of Husband. "You have to get an obituary out."

Friend two: Same day as above: " You have to decide what you are going to do."

Friend three: Same day as above: "Have you called all his family and friends, you have to do this you know."

Do you see where I am going with this? This is something that has been happening consistently for the last 3 years. Now what really bites is when you get calls and one person doesn't agree with the other person, who doesn't agree with that either. Leaving me, of course, dumbfounded and anxious to step to any decision I make. Oh wait, ya I can't make decisions can I?

Now, as well meaning as these folks meant to be, and I know it was done with the thought of care...excuse me but I don't have to do shit. I can make my own decisions. I will make mistakes. So what? I am learning to be "me" all over again. Its not easy to do. I have seriously been through hell and back. Quite frankly, I've probably experienced more in less than four years than an average person has experienced in their entire lifetime.

Just thought I would announce this epiphany. In case its happening to you. I allowed it to take place far too long. Ah...I'm learning.

By the way, a very serious God Bless those who quietly helped in any way they could without telling me how I had to do something. The ones who allowed me to make my mistakes and did not criticize me for it. Those who did not become insulted, angry, and defensive merely cause I was trying to find my way and did not agree with their way.

Those as it happens, even though they are few, are the ones who will be there when the dust settles.

Rambling of a Perspective

Respect

2011-09-25T11:56:00.000-08:00

Funny how we raise our daughters to be strong. To say No means No. Respect yourself. What was that?

RESPECT

Hey how about learning respect for yourself as being yourself rather than focus on being a widow?

Sometimes I have to take a step back and evaluate my feelings. Why? Who knows but its always been this way even before I became a widow. Also, there are times when a person can evaluate far too often and become ensconced with self criticism.

What I have done over the last three years is: I became ensconced with being a widow.

How I have allowed myself to be defined as a widow...well it happens to all of us. Constantly we read or hear the words said by the "others" "Oh that poor widow Jones" or "That widow Jones drinks alot she's fallen apart." Throughout our lives we have heard and have been trained even before we become widows, that a widow is defined as being a "widow."

The thought just hit me. Actually its been there just I haven't truly been able to grasp it. Times have changed and we have the ability to grasp our "titles" in life. To some extent.

So today I do not demand respect because I am a widow, but I am demanding to be respected for who I am. This includes respecting myself for who I am rather than look down on myself for being a Widow. I am actually no different than the "others." What makes my life different is I have suffered a tragic loss, a loss that is almost impossible to recover from. In fact, you won't recover. Its not an illness. However, there is absolutely no reason I cannot be respected for who I am and what I want in life.

Respect. It goes a long way.

A little sassy these days!
My perspective

I will survive

2011-09-05T15:18:00.000-08:00

One must take the time to question what happened. You especially feel this need when you feel so lost. Reality is your life has been turned upside down, pulled out from under you, and for some of us, no way to support ourselves. It affects us in different ways. Some take vacations, some group with friends. Running to the water was my running toward answers I needed. Where am I?

Being on ocean, feeling her moods, happy, sad, angry, or just content...this is my "Forest Gump" run. Suddenly I see a little of myself reappear day by day. Then the questions begin. I managed doing something that not many folks can do. On spur of moment while ruthlessly working hard, a refreshing splash hits you and you realize, "I will survive"

A hiliarious blast to the psyche as you pull up a fighting coho doing a crocodile death roll, I can get by. A large fighting King angry and diving deep down pulling the leader through your hand causing leader burns like cuts...you hang on and whisper softly to the big boy smoothly bringing him up...and you land him! I can do this. You land the beauty into your checker and always say thank-you as you use a knife to cut a portion of the gill for bleeding. Then another and another...just when you think you can do no more, when your body is screaming STOP, its time for dressing the fish to be sold. You think, I can do this.

You ice the fish one by one placing them carefully to ensure quality and balance of the boats weight. One mistake on that part and a gust of wind or a strong wave will send the boat on its side. Devastation. You smile to yourself thinking, I did it. Its done, then the next round of fish are banging on your lines clattering up.

Inside you are pained with sorrow still, but you know he's with you and proud of what you are doing. Maybe not in agreement with the choice, but proud that you are doing it.

The sense of freedom and the acceptance that inside my very soul, a gypsy will always exist. Why not embrace this. Why feel the need to be what others feel you should be. Do they actually know you? Not really. Its at this time you have a quickening in your mind and soul.

Who knows what is out there for me? Not I. I have tried to do exactly as others think I should. Why can't I? Why can't I be "normal" and "acceptable" to others? Because, my spirit cannot be bound and be happy about it. Just as I had too set my husband free to allow him to go where it is he had to go as he passed away in my arms, so must I stop imprisoning my spirit trying to do what others think are best for me.

I am not a failure. A little mixed up of course. Seriously lost, of course. But, I will survive. Thank-you my Lady for giving back my strength and I will definitely work on it this time. If I have to stand my ground and not be brought down by verbal malevolence, so be it. I know that door will open again for the next round of what is to be.

What is there? Who knows. But I do know:

A Touch of Grey

Songwriters: GARCIA, JERRY / HUNTER, ROBERT

Must be getting early, clock are running late.
Paint by number morning sky looks so phony
Dawn is breaking everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains I don't care, but it's alright
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I see you've got your list out, say your piece and get out
Guess I get the jist of it, but it's alright
Oh well anyway, sorry that you feel that way.
Every silver linings got a touch of grey
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It's a lesson to me, the ablers and the beggars and the theives
The abc's we all think of, try to win a little love.

I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears, but it's alright

Cow is giving kerosene, kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene, but it's alright
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Shoe is on the hand that fits, that's all there really is to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit, but it's alright

Oh well a touch of gray, kinda suits you anyway,
That's all I had to say, but it's alright
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It's a lesson to me, the devils and the East and the free
The abc's we all must face, try to save a little grace.

I will survive

I will get by

Reality Sets In

2011-08-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

So it seems reality begins to set in. It happens to the best of us. Unfortunately, reality is so hard to swallow. Why would I be so lost in life? A purpose for my being here must be around here somewhere. I'm so tired of being alone. Yet I have found myself not wanting to be near anyone. People hurt. They mean well, but always, I owe if they do something for me. Or they want. They get it and they are gone. Stupid me. So who can I trust? Should I trust. I'm thinking not.

The very disheartening fact is, I loved people, I loved being around them. I loved visiting and listening to stories. But now, for the last three years I've been told I talk too much, I lie, I am disliked, I am unworthy of working, I'm lazy, I'm old, I'm too white, I'm too fat, I'm too skinny, I'm stupid, etc. It has made me realize I am absolutely of no worth anymore. Is this what a widow is all about? I am worthless and of no value anymore? I am no longer a feeling and living human being who can be hurt? Guess not.
The gross reality is that I am hurt, I have had a very rough go in this life. The comments to belittle me are mere emotional abuse.

So the reality:

Verbal abuse is painful. Especially in my situation. I recognize verbal abuse. Why am I putting up with it?

Is this all I know? Is this all I am surrounded by? Do I inside believe I am not worthy to be appreciated for who I am?

It is a sad day when you realize that all you have received, rather than understanding and patience, painful demeaning and damaging verbal abuse.

Ironically, if you express your feelings and cry out for help because you don't want to feel like this anymore, you become nothing more than a drama queen looking for attention. A widow feeling sorry for herself.

Let's put "widow" aside. Wow. Here I am. So am I treated any different? Would I be treated different? I don't know because I have not been able to catch my breath to find out if I am worthy enough to be treated with respect.

I think the final straw for me was the comment, "Take your pills and just shut up and quit whining all the time"

So, I'm a better person if I am drugged and can't say anything at all? Isn't that the same as death? Why not just tell me to die? Its the same.

I want to live. I want to know who I am. I don't like this path I'm having to travel right now, but I've had worse. Something is out there and meant for me to find it, or it find me. I don't think I am the one that should be dissappearing or drugging myself to the point of being non-verbal. No. This is not the answer. The answer is: keep going and stay away from those raining a monsoon of emotional pain. I'd rather be alone than to feel the way I've been feeling. Due to what? Who know what the purpose is of making someone feel so down on themself.

However i am responsible for me. Only I can put a stop to this.

Deep Reflections

2011-08-23T01:49:00.011-08:00

The odd things one can learn while listening to the sound of silence. When it really isn't silence at all, but a part of your inner-self finally channeling through. The rumble of a jimmy and the impassioned thundering wave crash on the side of that wood boat miniaturizing your exalted being. Dauntingly echoing she lives emotionally, she presents physically. Evidence of her mighty presence witnessed with the sound of birds, a stay-wire symphony and the wind blows its force through every crook and cranny.

It is a lull of spiritual solemness, yet not completely ascent. Your senses suddenly leap into action. You hear more, you see lucidly: astonishingly you feel different. Her raging anger, yet gentle caress, danger or love. You smell every change including if she is providing feed to schools of fish. Its truly amazing. As you sit on the hatch just feeling her, the ocean, reflecting, thinking with all five senses that she has triggered. Truly amazing and some comforting thoughts flood. Deep reflections.

Were is he now? Does he see me now? Can he see my sorrow ladened heart bearing heaviness; a pondering my body cannot physically nor mentally channel to the real world? Yet I feel. I feel he knows and I anguish knowing he see's all, knows all. So shamefully are my thoughts struggling with contention whispering "be strong so his heart will not break. May he be free."

This, the man I love, still and always. He is gone, yet a part of who I am. How could I ever thank him for the stregnth he gives me. He is no longer physical. Always proud of me, never doubted what I could do if I wanted. I was his everything.

Now?

Depraved individual who tosses endless and mindless thoughts into the wind. Into the wind to be caught and given back with a fleeting feel of empathic repartee.

Here I sit, alone, lost, confused, frightened, and hurt. Yet somehow his courage, strong arms and love surrounds me. Pushing me to continue on and do what is next. Each time he'll make sure I learn who I am.

I now know why I am lost, but this is alright. It won't be forever, only until I find my next wisdom charged lesson on this lonely path to who I am.

And so I begin again, this time.................alone.

I am Lost.

I am scared.

I am who I am.

Who am I now?

Am I truly a Widow?

Red Sky At Night...

2011-07-28T23:26:00.000-08:00

Red sky at night, sailors delight. I know I've been gone for so long. I have been fishing. I have learned a great deal about myself. Been through bumps, bruises, emotional upsets, emotional highs, and more than that, I learned so much not just about fishing, but, myself. So the gamble didn't pay off financially, but most definitely paid off psychologically.

It was my opportunity to escape drama only to find myself wrapped up in another drama. I learned you cannot run from this. You cannot run and escape from being a widow either. So I'm keeping this short and letting all know, sometimes, you have to find the strength to just keep going. No matter what cause running gets you further behind.

I'll let all of you know some of my stories through life. Some sad, some happy, and some funny. This will be called "The Sea Gypsy Chronicles." It will be posted on the side not a part of this part of my blog. Sea Gypsy Chronicles will be stories that explain how I have been shaped throughout my life, prior to my husbands passing to now and my fishing stories. Sometimes we can work out a lot of issues and impediments we meet in life by working out our experiences.

It is nice to be back folks. Very nice.

No, yes, No, yes...what about me?

2011-06-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

Have learned much in the last week my friends. Patience, humor, the need to focus by finding my new focus, peace, and accepting I am doing all I can do.

Woke up this morning with individuals, including son, vying for my immediate attention, NOW. I had plans to go through more things, and prepare my self for MY new journey. When I tried to compromis, I was bomblasted with such negativity that...I ended up frozen not able to breath.

Why must I be here to privy all others needs and necessities. On their convenience not of my own. It finally hit me that although its very hard to have individuals disappointed with you...I must do what I can do to proceed with my life. Not theirs, mine. I am tired of the guilt trips and the nasty anger remarks and the flat out starting a morning I had so many plans for ruined because of others and their selfishness. I do not believe I was put here to beckon every one elses call but my own. Now to slowly convince myself of this.

It is harder to pull up the bootstraps and keep going with the negativity and the mean nasty insults barraged my way. I want no bad feelings. But then, what about my feelings. Do they not matter?

Do these folks even care I am at the end of the road here and am losing all? No, instead its as if I owe. Owe what I do not know, but I owe, I owe the whole of the universe if I continue my path not chosen by me. Now, sad thing, when I am out, and I am living in my car, and I have nothing...where are these folks going to be? On their way with their plans because...I took out of my time to help. But it will not go both ways. When I need the major help...I do not receive in return. So, something has to give.

Since I am terribly sensitive, I know, it will be me standing in the same place as I have been for years, doing everything for everyone, and when I need to talk, or I need some support or I need some help...it will not be.

Sometimes its hard to be a bitch, I appear to be the head master of women on brooms, but really truly, I am not. It is hard to be tough. But tough I will try to be. What more do I have cause surely, I spend more time helping others than myself.

I am truly at my road end. It must turn to continue going. When I run out of gas, there will be no one to call because in reality, they have gotten what they need and their lives are, with my help, on an upswing. But my gas tank is near empty, and am running on fumes. I still get the guilt trips and comments that I "owe" whatever for whatever reason, and it takes away from me putting gas in my own journey.

Its hard to say no, but no I must say. The backlashes, well, I'll get through those day by day. I mean after all, I am having to get through the pain of losing a spouse, day by day.

What bites is having to, on top of all this, get disability and a way to pay for my medications. Since to date I have had no help, I am now off most meds and the illness is coming back full force. Oh well. I can only do what I can do. I was denied everything, but received no denial. I was lucky I called because I found out it was two days past when I could appeal, but since I received no denial...that is just cause. I just hope something starts happening and happens in a fast way.

She calls for a reason, she feels the pain...

2011-06-19T17:11:00.000-08:00

She feels my hurt, my sorrow, my pain. So softly she calls, and I move her way. Like a fury from where, she can call out your name. With her gentle caress she can sooth your soul or suddenly disappear causing an end. She is her own master, her strength is unknown, but rear her head and of those dispose.

Am I frightened, of course. As you read this I will be on my way to places unknown. I will be fishing. I am being given my chance. She called and she called, only she knows what is to be. For so long now, I've looked to her. I never knew what she was trying to tell me. I am trying to listen. She has something to say.

I do not know what is in mind for me, but I do know, this fell into my lap. Literally. I cannot help but think someone watching over me knows I have something to learn from her. After-all he knows the call.

Pray for my safety, pray all is well. Pray that I find that which is to be found.

My sorrowed friends, it may seem odd yes, but this is not only emotional, but also spiritual. You know the turmoil. The wondering who we are and what we are. Why we must question this within ourselves, I do not know. I think we all do though. It's reasonable. We have our entire world yanked out from under us. Then we have to find our footing again. How do you find solid ground when its been taken away?

Well, wish me good fishing. Most of all, ask the master to be merciful. She is and has been, and she is wise. She's got a temper though. She too has a fury inside that just comes forth. It is who she is.

I just know I must follow this. Out of nowhere it happened. I've been trying to control that which cannot be controlled. I have done all I can the way I am told or the way others think I should...so now it is time It is time for me to just wind down, and go with an uncertain path and accept that path. Step into the unknown. I've tried it the "normal" way, it did not go so well for me and left me crumpled.

It was just two days ago when someone very drunk walked up to me and said, "Where are you?" I just looked at them like, HUH?????

Where are you? You had a fierce yet compassionate heart. Where are you?

Guess we're about to find that out aren't we. Cause ya know what? He was right...where am I?

Going Fishin

In more ways than one.

Differences...

2011-06-16T09:50:00.003-08:00

Lesson early today.

I woke up in a funk, started with my Tai Chi and felt better!

Then I get a phone call, and boom person in funk.

What did I just say only a couple of posts ago?? Oh ya, Snoop Dog. So I listened for awhile and when the individual conversing with oneself switched to me being the focus I said, "Snoop Dog."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh just thinking, Snoop Dog."

Amazingly I cut this person off from going on how bad they have it even though they have an amazing amount of resources they can pull on, but...they just didn't get their "way" and well its the end of the world worse than what I could ever imagine. So if I thought I had it rough, I don't know anything because....

That's where I said, "Snoop Dog" LOL. It felt pretty darn good too. The lopsidedness of life must stop. Its alright for others to be down, but if I am, then I am told, you are nothing but a downer and no one wants to be around you! HEY!! Beat that one this morning didn't I!!

Personal criticism of me is no longer allowed. Constructive criticism welcome as we all need sound constructive criticism. The days of you this and you that and you won't and you you you you ... you're worthless, you you you. Well, hey that's being replaced with...end of lopsided conversation.

I'm not a beauty but hey, not all of us are blessed in that area. I'm likeable. I'm dysfunctional in a normal way. I get in my moods, normal. I'm worth a place in this life. I have the right to live in this life. And...if my husband heard anyone talking that way...he'd beat their rears to Northpole and back. I was his pride and joy.

It did make me stop and wonder though. Why would individuals want to be so...negative to someone that really needs some positive feedback? I bet I'm not the only one. I am blamed I am the one that makes them negative. Yes, words are powerful, but...I am not responsible for the barrage of insults thrown my way. Trust me, I could throw them back and be quite destructive myself, but I AM responsible for my negativity and the way I use it. What would be the use?

Not sure what today holds, but that was a major step. For three years, I have not heard but possibly three positive comments from anyone. Three years. Its either silence, or a nasty remark. Honestly. I think enough is enough.

Now, I could make excuses for folks thinking, "Oh they do this to make themselves feel better cause they are miserable." However, now I am making excuses for others. Flat out, that type of behavior is abusive especially to those of us who are really struggling to find out place in life AD of spouse. As I contemplate this I realize exactly how small that pool of friends were to begin with.

Its a sad realization, but a necessary one. Take nature for example. Okay, as we know I do like to wander hither tither. WHY? Nature has a natural beauty neither critical nor proud. Yet, grace and beauty ring through. Nature places itself out there not to be abused but to be appreciated. For what it is.

Some of us look at pictures of Nature and its peaceful, calm or serene. The beauty is breathtaking. On the other hand, like the picture posted here on this blog today...some would see as filthy, dirty, needs to be removed and needs to be eradicated. They want to place it with what they deem as beauty. Like a house, or a garden, or such...

I do not need to be replaced. Just as much as some places in Nature should be left and simply accepted for what it is, whether admired or not, I too am a part of that natural cycle. I belong in the living just as much as anyone else. I don't think I was put here to be abused. Just as forest fires happen, landslides happen, whether natural or human intervention accidentally caused it...it has to be accepted. Doesn't mean you have to like it, you just have to accept it for what it is.

So am I angry that these people are so miserable? NO. I am not responsible for this. I did not cause their unhappiness. Whether I or anyone else likes it or not, I'm lonely and moody, but that's just the way it is. :)

Rolling Rolling Rolling, Keep those doggies Rolling

RAWHIDE!!

Hey you...Widow...

2011-06-14T11:21:00.005-08:00

Huh? What is it with the music lately? I will pass, but what is with the deer? Bambi syndrome now? What is it with the title?

Now that I am a bit further along in the "healing" area, I can actually be amused with the title bestowed. I still have a long way to go, but hey, there's a clearing somewhere around here. Somewhere a stable rock to put my foot is here.

Widow. The ubiquitous all powerful word. The word I absolutely hated. A title bestowed upon me without my permission. As if this is a promotion in life? I get a new title. Wonderful. Thanks so very much for the honor. I mean really, thanks.

I walk along the boardwalk and reflect. Deep reflections that boggle my mind. Just trying to get it "all" together and process this. Okay, I gotta keep going. Going where I should be. Where am I going? What the heck am I doing.

I sometimes think if I hadn't have been forced to resign, and still had a "place" in life, a job, that at least something stable in my life would have existed when instability hit. Stability meaning a type of focus. No wonder I am hither tither with strife. I haven't a clue what I am supposed to do. Lord knows, and he does, that I am trying to "get it together" but working in so many different jobs, none what I should be doing, none permanent...its just another sad ending.

So there it is...the turmoil I cause myself. Its understandable, of course, because I am hanging trying to find something stable to put a foot on. The thing is, I need to find that stable rock to put my foot on in order to climb to the next level.

Questioning what if, or if this had, anything in that area is useless and basically is just keeping you...hanging...perpetually confused and grasping as if in panic. When you grasp out in panic, you usually grasp the wrong object and chaos reigns all.

So of late my "thing" is not so much, widow, the title so honorably bestowed upon me, but...who I am and what am I going to do? I surely cannot keep doing what I am doing. I need stability.

The epiphany of it all suddenly rings through. Sometimes instability is actually stabilizing. Grieving is up and down and causes us to be unstable in some areas, unsure, scared, etc. Yet at the same time, grieving is healing, stabilizing, a way to work through a disaster that has happened.

Hence the term, Widow, is only what it is. In very basic terms, it is a titled bestowed on those who had a spouse pass away. It is not who we are by all means. We are for a time. Just like we grieve for however long and in what ever way needed for us. Likewise, widow is merely a term an instability we pass through in order to return to our "new" stability. Our new life, a different life. It does not define who we are unless we allow it to.

Just as a deer hears a noise and flags its tail, then tries to decide if it should fight or flight, so too must we. The ugly term we all hate, is merely what we make it. If individuals whom have never experienced this do not see it this way...they are responsible for their own ignorance. We are not. We are only responsible for getting through this.

Getting through it is the hardest part. The branches grow thick on some areas, or it might be grassy lands we walk through. Whatever it is that we walk through, we shall walk through it. It bites the bullet, but at the same time, this instability is the stability we need to become who we are.

Huh??? Doing a Lama?

So what if I am!!

Tripp on Dis...

2011-06-11T12:30:00.002-08:00

Get the funk outta my face. Ya, get it out of my face! Amazing how we go through some serious funks. It seems worse after my husband passed. Seriously, it's not like I'm perpetually a downer. Really I like to have fun, I like to feel good and I like to be me. Whatever it is at that particular time!

I realized I really miss having someone to share the fun with! It's not that I'm a downer and don't have fun, it's just that I'm never invited to go have fun, so I have to create my own fun. Since no one wants to hear what I've been up to...well I go in a funk. It reminds me there is no one here that cares like my husband. Plus, what is up with that? He's supposed to be here.

That's the problem, I have no one to share fun with.

I truly wonder if this is why so many widows and widowers will fall into a funk that is hard to break away from. Usually when we are happy or having fun, there was someone to share it with, that cared!

I get out of my "funk" and then am doing really great, but who is there to care. When I should be enough to care, I haven't reached that stage yet where it is alright to just appreciate my own efforts without sharing the feeling of accomplishment with someone. Its very disappointing.

I especially resent when I have to support people who have someone who cares out of their "funk" and yet, no one is there to help me out of mine! I now nominate Snoop Doggy Dog to watch over me and put in my head, "Get your funk outta my face" and "If you don't like my music you don't have to use it." He did the remake well I feel and with shnazz.

Snoop Doggy Dog, you are the fizzizles snakizzles. Whatever it is that you say. The dude of all savvy coolness that be.

I'm gonna funk my way on to the Post Office! Who knows I may have a check waiting for me from Ed Macman. My husband invested for years. If I get one, I'll be sure to do a floor dance then grab my crotch saying "Uh...I'm a winner." I'll smile when everyone gives me the "the crazy widow is losing it again" and dance on out shaking my behind at them singing... "Hey get your funk outta my face...If you don't like my music you don't have to use it!!!

Can't Rollerskate In a Buffalo Herd...

2011-06-09T15:32:00.001-08:00

Honestly, this is going to be my theme song. Why? Because its incredibly funny and annoying at the same time. The same way I feel when I am told I need to be "happy" and make the "best" of life.

Obviously we have some conflict with the idea of happy here. I thought it was me, thought I had to have a positive attitude to take life head on and make the best of it. Then I realize, no, it is alright for me to be sad when I am sad. It is alright for me to be happy when I am happy. It is alright for me to cry when I cry. So on and so forth.

What concerns me is why the "others" believe I should be happy all the time when in reality the "others" also have their moments.

I realized, all the time I thought something was "wrong" with me. I'd be polite, sit and listen and listen and listen. When the person was finished I always said, wow, and give a comment back either empathetic, "sounds like fun" or whatever appropriate in the conversation. Then silence, okay I guess my turn, so I'd go to say something. Next I know either the person starts telling me yet another story I've heard god knows how many times, or someone is putting words in my mouth before I even say anything.

It makes for a very quiet, frustrating, hurtful and meaningless/empty conversation. It dawned on me that this is incredibly selfish behavior not on my part but those who are responsible for THEIR behavior. Last time I understood the definition of conversation was two people conversing. It isn't really conversing when you are blown off, or ignored, or told what it is you are doing wrong, and that you should be happy for what you have.

The one that really grates on my nerves of late is, as soon as I get two words out or even say hello, words are being put in my mouth as to what I was going to talk about and turned in a fashion that is incredibly either belittling, negative, or nothing at all to do with what I was going to say. Then the icing on the cake, as if what they said I was thinking or going to say was not enough to chew on, I am accused of being neurotic and dragging myself down and I should get over it and move on.

The sudden realization that I get sucked into this type of conversing, is something I allow to happen. It's like breaking up with someone, then you are together, just to find yourself getting broke up with again. So why put yourself in that situation...again. Just as the "others" are responsible for the way they converse, so too am I responsible who I choose to converse with.

So....You can't rollerskate in a buffalo field....but you can be happy if you a mind to!

Warning, I have a sense of humor

Guardian Angels

2011-06-01T00:33:00.000-08:00

Don't know about anyone else, but...do you believe in Guardian Angels? I definitely have more than one I believe. What throws me off is...

Someone else saw my Guardian Angel when I did not. I don't think that was a Guardian Angel. I had way too many odd things happen today for that to have been a Guardian Angel.

In one of my previous posts I had written about my husband who is now a mature eagle. Well he never really left per se. In fact, he is stronger than ever. Especially if what happened happened, which it did, he is not gone, he has truly matured but never left me as I thought. He just changed his appearance and now has gone into protection mode.

Eagles are highly protective of their young and their loved ones. Most are actually monogamous, but not necessarily true especially if one passes away. The remaining will find a new mate. Sometimes. Not always, but usually. My husband is an eagle. I saw him and have fostered him for four years. This year I watched as he changed and went on his way letting me know all was well for him now.

It was at this time I assumed that would be the last of contact. He is well on his way and I understood he has a new life now. How right yet wrong I was all at the same time.

Today, I was going through more stuff. At one time I cried because all of my husband's pictures were gone. They were stolen. The computer and my camera. But today I found a disc and thought, hmmm what is this and wah lah. Pictures of him in his last year with us.

I cried because for two years, two years this has weighed so heavily on my heart. My pictures. Our pictures gone. When that disc showed up I cried because it was such a relief. I had been harboring such sick feelings all over the pictures. I am amazed i backed it up and just happen to put the disc away. A sudden feeling of warmth flooded over me, and I saw him smiling at me saying, "See honey, its gonna be okay."

Then, the real odd event. Sitting on a bench just biding my time and thinking things through, a stranger sat next to me. Not close, but next. It is tourist season. Not uncommon. He began to speak to me and seemed very nice and I was answering his questions about eagles, and ocean, our lives, our history, etc. Mind you casual conversation and he had NO idea I was widowed, single, divorced or anything. Suddenly I saw out of the corner of my eye something seemingly to fly by. Thought it was a shadow of a raven.

The man said, "Did you see that? Do you see that?"
I asked him what?
"The shadow. The shadow just now."
"Oh" I replied, "think it was just a raven flying by."
"No, don't you feel it? Its here between us. Right in the middle." the man was befuddled and I was too.
I smiled and said, "Ah, that would be my husband. He's only being protective, Thank-you honey" and I took that as my cue to move on and go on a hike away from people. Reflection.

It wasn't my Guardian Angel, as I feel my Guardian Angel, this was different. I didn't feel it, but the person next to me was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. He was in fact frightened. I thought about it and there is only one person who has ever had that type of power over anyone. It was my husband. He was a far better judge of character than I. I'm too nice and will get sucked into crap all the time. Been working on this, but I'm friendly. The look on that man's face. I know that look. My husband could strike fear into individual with his deep fiery brown eyes.

It appears the Eagle now feels the need to give strength back so I can heal. Yet, he remains with those whom he belongs. The sudden "knowing" of such a formidable force, I had not to fear, but obviously, someone else did. It led me to believe, that was his protective way of saying, get away go now.

Thank-you honey for being there to protect me while I relearn how to protect myself by listening to my inner voice. I will now work harder at focusing and yes, you are right, I can do this. Thanks for being proud of me.

Freud was not Female

2011-05-29T13:05:00.000-08:00

So at this point in time folks are probably thinking...geez get off it already. No I won't. Today is my anniversary, which isn't really an anniversary anymore. If that isn't enough to convince you, today is the day I always got to do what I wanted because I was appreciated and loved.

Wonderful thing is that even though its my anniversary that isn't an anniversary anymore, it is still my today and I can do what I want with it! Isn't it wonderful how that works!

So today this is what I did. I built a small fire, since I have to burn a bunch of stuff anyway, and wrote on a note..."Damn that Freud" and put it in the fire!

Yes, amazing how much better I feel! I now feel like working on my resume.

Right now I smell like campfire and I have my son's Stevie Rae Vaughn hat on!
I was thinking about an acquaintance I know. He makes rules when he doesn't like what someone is doing. The rules point to behavior. They are absolutely hilarious at times, but make total sense. I suppose it is also time for me to make rules.

So today for my anniversary, that is no longer my anniversary, I've made some decisions. I've added some "rules" to my today, and my life. Notice the "my" in all this.

Am I Truly a Widow Lama Rules:

Rule 101. Thank-you for the support. It is appreciated. When your support turns critical, please refer to rule 101. Rule 101: Constructive criticism accepted. Flat out criticism not allowed. Do so at your own risk.

Rule 352. Hate to burst your bubble but, we no longer live in the Victorian Era and if you can't understand that, how about Freud was never a female. It's alright that I'm dysfunctional or neurotic at times. We all are. BUT if you so much as to even allow an accusation of severe mental illness cross your lips--Refer to Rule 352. Rule 352: I have a sense of humor. It may be odd and I may be odd and slightly dysfunctional but, I happen to like myself and my family loves me the way I am. If you have a problem with that, then please go take one of your own pills. Don't forget to choke when you do.

Well, that is all for rules today! I will be adding more as individuals who insist on infringing on my territory in a mean and negative way will force me to create more stupid rules. I hate rules, but guess we have to have them don't we? I am not going to allow snide, awkward, unnecessary, and unreasonable comments affect me anymore. Also please note, if you compare me to anyone else in a negative manner, I will put a stop to it, and you may not like how I do so.

Oh and by the way, those of you who have not a clue what losing a spouse means...and to those of you who "found" my identity and are in absolute appallment over the my words, have you ever heard the phrase relating to a rats behind? If you don't understand what I am going through, if you do not think my behavior is appropriate or lady like, if you have some sort of critical appeal to make a snide comment, then go find a rat.

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift

2011-05-28T11:53:00.001-08:00

So much time spent on pondering. Why? Why the pondering. Why the hesitations to take steps in life. Why the comments from the peanut gallery regarding mental health merely cause it is known I am a widow? Do you people honestly believe that all widows are unstable? I then find more hesitation because every negative comment freezes your very soul. You lose your inner being, you question your situation, and sadly, you begin to question happiness.

For the last week I've been going through things and now have more empty boxes. I was doing so well. However, I did too much, had some negative issues coming from"helpful" individuals, and went into a down spin. To compliment my downward spiral, I checked my phone and decided to listen to the message. I had completely refused to answer anyone. Like I said; I was in a down spin.

The first message said, "Your answering machine sounds depressing." Ya, okay, so I changed my greeting. I mean really, who wants to leave a message to a depressed degenerate? Oh, in comes another message different person. "Are you trying to sound like a party animal? You need to change your message." Sigh....I tried to make it sound happy and played my wedding song in the background, so again, I change it. Again, I get a message from another totally different person, "Gee, your message sounds, uhm...a little too enthusiastic."

Okay, this crap stops here and now.

Unbeleivable.

Not one person realizes that tomarrow is anniversary day. I'm having a rough go of it. Do you think at least one person would say; "You okay? Is something bothering you?"

I thought I was miserable and lonely, obviously I have it wrong. I thought I was depressed and a little off. Obviously I have that wrong too. Obviously there are individuals out there who are far worse off than I. Honestly, must we criticize an answering message?

Now I'm mad and I decide to confront this. Why? Why say these things to me? I had an interesting conversation with my counselor. He said, "Your depression is not what concerns me, what concerns me more is what can happen if you listen to those who are saying something is wrong, when nothing is. You lost your husband. Not to mention the other situations that arose right after. Its called life and nothing is wrong with you."
Today, well today I have come to the conclusion, which has been right in front of me the entire time, happiness. Happiness is alright to have. This is what happiness means to me:

HAPPINESS

Happiness is different for all of us.

Happiness is something that comes from within.

Since happiness comes from within, then no one can take it from you.

One person's happiness is another person's misery. Then off with them in their misery and allow yours to be happy.

WE have the right to be happy.

So, yesterday is history. Never mind what happened. Tomorrow is a mystery; we never know what tomorrow will bring. Today, well, today is a gift. It is a gift to us individually and it is up to us to use that gift the way we see fit. After-all it is ours. If we choose to take some time out, time out it is. If we choose to feel sorry for ourselves, then who has the right to say we cannot? And most of all, no one has the right to take your gift of Today away.

What some individuals will never understand, when you lose a spouse its everyday, for the rest of your life. It will never be the same. It can get better, but, it will be different and different is okay. What happened to the fight in me? Its like I roll over like a dog and wait to be patted on the tummy and then kicked out of the way. At least someone patted me on the tummy right? WRONG.

Today is my gift. Today I choose to ask myself, what right does another person have to tell me what I can or cannot do to be happy? Why do I allow others to choose my path for me? The path I have hanging up here on the wall beside me, written out is just fine. If folks don't like it, well it is not theirs to like!

It's pretty damn bad when your "support" system kicks you in the butt and puts you to a freezing standstill. The type of freeze that you can't even write a resume for a job you are qualified for. You become so frozen that when your not speaking to anyone cause you don't want the criticism to eat you for a day, they leave messages criticizing an answering message. ????? Which leads me to believe that perhaps this supposed "support" is not what it appears.

Watch out for anyone who says something critical today cause I just might rip a head or two off. Today, is my gift and today I will not allow anyone to abuse me. If I rip a head off, don't tell me I have severe mood issues I need to deal with cause you have some serious abuse issues you need to deal with. You don't corner something and then begin to poke it with a stick without expecting some type of retaliation. Then accuse the retaliation of being wrong and "psychologically" unstable. Who exactly is the one that is ill???

Today is my gift.

Use your own Today for yourself rather than mess with me.

Ready, Set, Go!

2011-05-25T15:29:00.001-08:00

All that I have been through, and my very being being raked over shards of glass...finally it's happened. I ran into a situation, where the person tried to run me over glass again cause they saw my healing. My personal power coming into being again. This time I approached it wisely. My old self. :)

I couldn't be happier. I guess enjoying the Wicked Tinkers, and Late Husband's growing up has affected me in a positive way. I have been sticking to my goal, which I did write down and hang up to remind me, and it is really helping.

The other event in my life is I joined up with a place called "Widowed Village." I wish I had known about this place a few years back. So please, check this place out. Kind considerate and people like us to visit with. Laughter and tears, and advice. So beautiful.

You see the faerie and one of her wings are clipped. Well, have hope my widowed friends. My wings that were clipped so brutally by emotional vampirism, are actually healing. I grow my wings as my husband matured this year. Suddenly I realize, okay, lets grow them wings. This was our plan, and there is no reason I can't continue with the plan I start so long ago with him. I just have to wing it alone.

I am pounding the streets looking for a job. One of the things I had always wanted to do and we were going to do together was go commercial fishing. I met up with whom I thought I could trust and after spending a great deal of money, cleaning engine room, and did ALL the major hard work...He said I was too old to fish. I was heartbroken. This was, and has been the pulling at my heart. To at least find out if I have it.

Yesterday speaking with those on the docks who know me, I found...they knew what he was doing. So everyone is trying to help me find something so I can at least give it a try. This encouragement was so exciting!

Hence the "Protector of the mother" had to step in when he caught wind of it. Yes, its dangerous for a female to go out. Once at sea, if the person you are with says you have to do something unscrupulous, what can you do? So now all is good! The deal is, when I have an offer, I have a list of incredibly experienced individuals who will do the safety checks on the person for me! This time, I am using my head. I had some good long talks to folks yesterday. They pointed out exactly what I did wrong. What he did was wrong, but he's not the first, but lets make it the last!

I am pursueing other avenues as well, but my heart is so very much tugging and has been many a year. My late husband was a fisherman, as my son is now. I have been told, I am not too old, in fact preferred for my age because I can cook, clean fish, and navigate. PLUS, I am mature enough to listen and do what I am told.

Please everyone, hold you hopes up high for me. I need this for my confidence and to do this for my heart. I need to go fishing. I miss it terribly.

Meanwhile, it is time for me to continue ridding my home of unnecessary items so I can move on with my plan.

Have a beautiful day everyone.

She's not so crazy after all!

Just had the wrong friends.

Socializing the Widow

2011-05-22T13:15:00.000-08:00

Yep she's still on course. It has been a long quietness on this blog I know. Its been awhile since I've been around, but I've put my nose to the grindstone and faced the music. Seriously. Still very carefully following my plan, but also working on myself socially. Seems odd we would have to face social issues that were once so easy to do. It is so different and feels so different.

For some reason I feel, sometimes, like a total social degenerate. Why? Never before has it bothered me. Now, I just feel as if I don't fit in. Worst thing is, I know it is me doing this to myself! So what does one do when it feels wrong?

Just Do It!

"Am I Truly a Widow" goes primal. Indeed. I faced my fear and completely went out of my comfort zone. A huge step for me and a huge shock for others. The kids did it to me again, only this time I stayed the WHOLE concert!!! It was fantastic and I truly caught my self going totally primal.

How do I feel today? Well, I feel as if I had too many wine's (I don't drink) and was bashed up in a Mosh pit (was not that way at all). However, I learned so much.

Thoughts on Socializing:

When in doubt, do as the doers do.
When in doubt as to what the doers are doing, do your own doing.
When doing your own doing, you start feeling your doing is not really doing.
That is when you really do it.

I found that completely stepping out of my comfort zone, going to a concert that is "tribal" bagpipe, didgeridoo, and drums, that doing is just doing what you want to do. I had too much make-up on...ya, okay for some I did, but hey, there is someone with lovely artistically painted tribal design on her face. Okay look around...do you really look any different than anyone else? NO.

Such as it is in life. My daughter was thrilled and asked me, "so whatta ya gonna be mom? The dancing cat with a patch or the legless pirate?". I told her, "well I really feel more like the Sea Monster."

Indeed, you notice how the sea monster is not so happy about the whole shebang? Yet, the sea monster lets go and decides to have some fun in its own scary way. Just being itself, letting go and enjoying the fun. At first the crowd of pirates are not so sure about it, but when the initial shock is over and everyone is having fun, it matters not.

So then I think, honestly, I look weird? Here I am at a Wicked Tinkers concert, men wearing skirts, playing bagpipes, drums, and...a didgeridoo. Touche`.

Suddenly you see the simplicity of it all and just finally let go. Then when all is said and done, the lights go on and you get the heck out of dodge before anyone see's ya!

Today it is if it never happened, but inside, you know it did. Inside you became just a little more open, not much just a little. Every little bit counts. I now slither down to the depths of the sea where my home is. Not to be seen again until who knows when!

These Are Days We'll Remember

2011-05-12T01:00:00.182-08:00

Ally ally Rob runs free!

Suddenly it happens. You are hit with a two by four. The very two by four you've been afraid to feel. The one that unexpectedly throws you off your feet. An anticipated realization and decision that really feels real, that it is right and yes, indeed its very sane!

You wait ever so long after the death of your spouse to suddenly one day feel such a sudden burst of warmth, that light of love that hits you in the face. You weep quietly so as not to disturb. Disturb What? The joy that the one you love is free and its okay to be feel free even though it feels so wrong. Sure you feel guilty because the person you were supposed to experience this with is gone. It wasn't meant to be. Its painful, it's your pain and won't go away, but it's okay. It isn't your fault. It feels like it, and you don't even realize it. Its okay to embrace this burst of understanding even for the little time you may feel it.

The release, the escape, the quiet lovely hit in the chest. Not the kind when you feel upon seeing the Death Certificate.. Somehow this hurt feels right. Never knowing how long it may last, quick, quickly reach out to touch it. Feel it, and start to know its feeling. You can do it, its okay. The lightening bolts to strike you dead will not show up. It isn't true, honest. They aren't there, we just think they are.

Sadly it slips away, further from you. You feel it trickle through your fingers no matter how tight you hold it. It now feels like fine grains of sand falling through your hands. We can and must open up and allow things to touch us again. A little at a time so you are not overwhelmed and just keep truckin' on.

Wow, you wonder what the hell has "Am I Truly a Widow" acting a tad bit touched?

Well let me share my story, my odd, very odd Mother's Day. It has taken me aback for a few days, but I see now. I am reading the signs finally. Along with careful planning, as careful as possible.

The story begins............

I'm sad because its mothers day. I miss my mom terribly, I miss my husband and it's anniversary month. I received flowers. I never get flowers. People I never heard from in ages were telling me Happy Mothers Day for the first time. I had the most awkward lunch, well, just ain't even gonna go there and say what happened. WEIRD...and most awkward. Leaving that sour "Gawd why do I get myself into this" feeling.

The final boom was a close friend of mine who was the Entertainer at our wedding ceremony. She posted the above link saying nothing except...Ally Ally Rob Runs Free! This was on Facebook.

I was stunned. I smiled, I click and listened. Her and her husband learned this special request song for us because I so terribly wanted it as our exit song. I wanted the newness of a new life, free with a new person to share it with, a beginning. I wanted us to learn together to read the signs. So this my friends, is our wedding song. I thought I'd share. Lyrics at the very bottom after my mug shot.

Coincidentally, I also called the closest folks to me and ran down the "new" life plan Elmer Fudd hat brought. Awesome, I have a new plan. First focus this home of mine I must leave. People who knew me well, laughed when I said "Thanks to Elmer Fudd, this is my plan..." Finally, a sane plan of action.

I'm scared. Of course scared out of my wits, but you know what, I read the signs today. We were all in agreement my choice is sane as long as I stick to my plan. I am so sad to leave this home of mine, but I must do what I have to do. I may be back every year to work during the summer, but financially, this is the smartest thing that I can do.

Most of all,
How could I not, with the odd coincidence of this very song, our wedding song posted with such a beautiful and true approach suddenly see what is meant to be. This song which has not been spoken of, played in numerous years. Why today, why did she choose to post this today?

You see, Rob is an Eagle now and he soars high along with his ancestors. He stayed on my window sill for three days after death. I left food every morning. I have lived here twenty years, no eagles on the small sill. Eagles do not do window sills. This one did, and he would turn that giant head of his toward the window and tap with his beak. Staring straight at me. He was a juvenile who had not yet learned to fly free and needed food for the long journey. His wings were not completely mature. It was so painful, but I didn't not open the window. My son and I would talk to him, tell him hello, and I would assure him, I'd be okay. The boys (our dogs) sat pretty for him. He is the only one they sat for like this. Also, they did not go ballistic. They remained soberly quiet. We knew, all of us, it was dad. My son said, "It's dad isn't mom?" Rob would then leave. He soared to the sky and joined those who he belongs with. We made sure he had food for his long journey.

To my amazement and confusion, it didn't end. He wasn't quite mature yet and continued to come back every year, only this month of May our anniversary month rather than November when he passed away. The same routine. Three days in a row. Every year he showed up take the food and tap on the window, and I knew I couldn't open the window. I had to allow him to be free. Those beautiful deep eyes looking in the window. He would eat his food and each year his flight grew stronger. His attention drawn the the sky more.

This year he matured. He has his full beautiful white head and has reached true maturity. This year he showed, away from the window and on the fence. He had his back to the window, his head turned enough I could see the strong all seeing eyes look inside my very heart. He didn't touch the food. He flew away. He has not has not returned.

He is now mature enough to begin his life, he has his strength. The painful sorrow I've held in was released in a park, lover lane, next to the ocean, where it all began. I dropped to my knees, put my head on the bench and sobbed. The sorrow I held in fearing it would be too much and he'd feel it wanting to fly back to me. The fear I may stop his maturing as he would fly back to my rescue and pull me up with his strong talons and take me under his wings.

This year, four years old, he is now mature and his new life begins. Now, I must separate myself from that and allow him to soar. His gift to me, he never ever once clipped my wings. I too must learn to soar again. I clipped them myself and they now grow back!

What is the crazy Widow up to now?

A Widow's Perspective

These Are Days
by 10,000 Maniacs

These are days you’ll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it,
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you

These are days that you’ll remember
When May is rushing over you
With desire to be part of the miracles
You see in every hour
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you are touched
By something that will grow and bloom in you

These are days
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It's true
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you

How to Focus and Create a Flight Plan

2011-05-10T23:39:00.015-08:00

Lovely, just when you want to build another reasonable plan to replace the one you wandered from and completely mucked up, your thinking disappears. I don't know about you, but since becoming a widow, my focus is really out of touch. Looking around frantically you try to find it. Darn, you just can't do this without finding your thinking cap.

I don't know what got into me but I couldn't think. Not coherent thought. I sat here staring blankly at all the things to do and so many thoughts went through my head it was pretty near painful. Not a good sign when your brain begins a melt down.

Suddenly I found myself wandering around the house gathering hats. What bizarre behavior, I have lost my mind I know it. But alight, hats it is, this must be going somewhere. Lets see:

I grabbed my favorite weird looking hat that is wool and has strings hanging from it.

Oh! My son's Stevie Rae Vaughn hat from the original manufacturers for Stevie's Rae's hats. Hat says "Son, I Love you"

My purple, green, black, yellow, white, orange, basically the most colorful hat you've ever seen. Woven by traditional weavers in South America. Stunning bright with a special bird woven in.

My Elmer Fudd Hat

My grossly dusty don't-know-why-I-have-this Morroco Mole hat. In case you don't know what that is...a Fez. No, don't ask.

My husbands stocking cap when he was bald and his head got cold.

Lastly, my old fashioned styled with a black veil kind of a pill hat style with wisps of feathers on the side.

I neatly lay these hats on a table beside me and stared at them in awe. I smiled with such admiration of the macabre, bizarre, retro, and just unexplainable junk hat collection. Gee, and I wonder why company doesn't come over often. Anyhoo, life continues in this story.

I put them all on my head and suddenly the Morroco Mole look was really was happenin' for me. I felt the love. Next thing I know someone stops by. Wouldn't ya know it. I opened the door and welcomed her in with my Morroco Mole hat on! She looked at me oddly, but said not one word. As she was talking to me she kept looking at my hat, and then looking at me, then looked my collection. Every time she looked at me with wonderment I'd raise my eyebrow and smile giving my head a flip to get the tassle out of my face. But not a word about this either.

Suddenly, she says, "So have you decided what you are going to do with your life? You're not getting any younger."

I replied sweetly, not making comment on her abrupt question, "I would, but I can't find the magic carpet and genie lamp that came with the hat. So the beads and putting Rob's items away safely is my first agenda. Maybe the prior will show up as I go through things."

She looked at me quite odd, I smiled, I walked her to the door, she turned and had to have one more good look at me and went to her car. Hrrrmph. If she really wanted to be a friend and advise me, she could've at least shown up as Secret Squirrel so we could have fun.

Odd But True

A Widow's Perspective

Free Bird

2011-05-08T03:00:00.002-08:00

My daughter came into town along with my five year old precocious granddaughter. What a lovely gift! We were driving along discussing her uncle who I explained would show up later. I told her, "He's a free bird, he'll land home soon." She asked me, "Free bird Nana? What is a free bird?"

"Oh," I said, " Free bird is someone who just does their own thing and will come and go, but they love their family very much and will land when needed and where needed for whatever reason.."

Quiet. I looked in the rear view mirror and bright hazels green eyes stared back at me through the mirror... "Nana, are you a free bird?"

"Why baby, do I seem like a free bird?"

"Nana, you should be free, it would make you happy."

Completely stunned I thought about what she said. Perhaps, out of the mouth of babes comes a strange truth. Is it possible I've tied myself down to something which really means nothing to me at this point? Even odder is the one thing my husband used to tease me about was, "I caught a free bird, she landed for me!" He's right, I landed for him.

It is like I've been stuck on an "idea" for over two years. Why is this? More individuals close to me have encouraged me to move and find something different and this is something I agreed with. They have literally encouraged me to take "flight." Unfortunately, if you could see where I live, you wouldn't want to leave either even though it is land-locked surrounded by water no way out and 15 minutes to one end of the road, and about the same for the other end of the road. It's stunning here. I'll show you one day. You'll see why I'm having a hard time with this. But I know I need to do it even if for a little while. No jobs.

So over the last two years I created a flight plan. Unfortunately, it crashed.

Reality suddenly struck me. I looked long and hard at my granddaughter's "smashed Fairy" picture. Damn I was caught and smashed. Where is the sense of humor and adventurous spirit? Granddaughter is right, I need to be a free bird for awhile. Just as a child is learning, I too am learning. This child certainly has her Nana's sense of acceptance and adventure.

What has happened? About two years ago I had a flight plan. All immediate family members in agreement, all other family members in agreement, and close friends, in agreement. The first time I've ever created a plan where having it "checked" for sanity actually brought positive feedback.

I proceeded with my plan and suddenly a friend in crime mentioned wow, two heads together it will go faster. Made sense to me. Odd fortuitous events started slowly, then escalated last past year. I did keep my eye on it, although I tried my best to keep moving forward. As usual.

Then it happened, at the last moment, I was left behind.

The nice thing is, I actually let go this time. Sure I stewed after all that work, but here is how I see it now.

I was so excited to escape this town and no longer live under the stigma of a widow. Why? For heavens sake you can't run from it This was my greatest goal and to find out where I belong. I know where I belong. I was not using my flight plan. I thought I saw my plan to "find myself" rapidly and dramatically disintegrated before my eyes. Just as fast as leaves fall from an autumn wind storm so too did the plan. Why didn't I see that coming?

I walk into my hall of silence and yell just to hear the echoes come back. Then after feeling better, its taken a few months, I realize, this time, especially with the red flags of strange behavior was all a test. I was leaping off a cliff and was allowing someone else to check my chute.

Okay a bit of a set back. Unfortunately, for those of us who have lost a spouse, recovering from such episodically tragic events is not as easy as they once were. To recover and continue plodding on with no tears, pulling up our big girl panties, is very hard. We are not as strong as babe the blue ox. We're scared, alone, frightened, and have basically been given a run through the ringer again. In the past we had someone to catch us. I no longer have anyone to catch me. But hear my words:

My personality is still intact. Sure, I trusted. In hindsight, I should've written a contract. I am usually careful about this. I was taken for a ride in a different way. Alright. Allow Karma to have its way. I can recreate my plan. It is not too late to be that free bird. But maybe this is a sign that I need to enforce my own stability in my free bird.

So many individuals were absolutely dismayed at this complete lack of honesty and the un-admirable display of showboating regarding what I thought was carefully designed arrangements to avoid such a situation. So I was not the only one duped. Believe it or not, it does make a person feel a little better. Like I said in an older post, I don't know what all this winning is about, nor being jealous of the others to extremes of being egocentric. Whatever, that is their thing, and not mine. Key word here, me.

Karma can really bite a person hard. I have a feeling because of all I have been through I have several guardian angels of my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother, my husband and the one watching me throughout life. Quite a force to recon with. :)

Precious words from babes once again.

It'll just take another few years than I expected. I took good care of my husband. I did good. I am me, who happens to be a widow. But you know what, I'm gonna do it! Just watch me. I just have to think of another plan everyone agrees is sane! Seriously, I can really go off the wall so I do have a select few who I have double check me and help clip my wings if that needs to happen!

A Widows Perspective

Not A Pity Party, just want to live while I can

What to do with a Death Certificate?

2011-05-06T01:00:00.003-08:00

Strangest thing happened. I finally had company over, pat me on the back its been a year, and we were playing yatzee. By the way, I smoked them!

I needed something to write on so I grab a nice notebook leather bound given to me because it seems the best thing to write on.

We were laughing and having fun, and I thought suddenly, this notebook had dust all over it, what's in it? For heavens sake I gotta dust.

I opened this nice leather bound notebook and staring me in the face was the original death certificate of my husband.

Shutting the notebook quickly before anyone could see because I felt so lucky to have company and really needed this, I swallowed back the lump and kept playing Yatzee. I laughed, but it really wasn't me suddenly. That lump settled deep into my heart and I was very much struggling to maintain.

I didn't want to blow it with this visiting and playing a game because no one comes by to see me except my son who is in town for awhile. Thank-God for sons even though they can be wild youth producing many gray hairs before your time.

Company went home. The notebook sat beside me. I looked at it long and hard. Finally, I opened it to go through it. Big as day, and I don't know about you, but those death certificates look larger and fancier and more attention getting than a marriage certificate or birth certificate. Okay, I'm looking. Flipping to the next page was my daughters ultrasound pictures of her mini-me. Her gift to Rob and I. Flipping the next page, our marriage certificate. We always had it hanging on the wall like a prized degree. It stared at me seeming so tiny compared to the other two.

I sit alone, the lump it forms. It will always be this way. Nothing can stop that dreaded lump even if it doesn't appear for a little while. It will make its appearance and nothing can be done about it. I don't know what to do with his death certificate. I don't know what to do with our marriage certificate. I don't know what do with the rare few notes and some of the letters he sent me while out fishing. His urn.

Worse yet, I have no one I can talk to about this because they'll disappear quickly. I don't blame them. What can you say? Sigh. A tear. The lump. The memory. Three years AD (after death). I know I have to move on. Never forget, but I have to move on or I will be living in the street and that would break his heart.

A tradition exists in the family I never followed through with. Its called a cedar chest full of memories. Each female keeps some sort of cedar chest in our family for dear precious memories. Daughters inherit this chest either upon marriage, or upon death of mother. It is like a dowry.

I suppose it's time for me to save some money for a cedar chest. I have my mothers but it cant be shipped as it's too far away. But it's tucked safely at my aunt's. I need one more for I have two daughters. A smaller one. One the girls can give their daughters as they add to it after I am gone.

Yes, this is what I must do with the death certificate and the precious memories.

A Memory I can Face Now

2011-05-04T06:03:00.003-08:00

This will obviously take far more than one post. At least this is a start. We all would love to be able to heal the person we love. In fact we try so very hard to help in every way we can. Meanwhile...

Nothing is more frightening than finding out your husband has a form of cancer that has a very low recovery rate. Especially without a stem cell transplant.

The next frightening event and a close to beating your chest in absolute fright wanting to scream out loud pain, is the treatment. After going through all the treatments for such a long time, fighting along side your husband, laying by his side in his bed while chemo is dripping in and holding him because not only are you frightened, so is he. He needs your strength. After all this, just to have the next wave of dilemma's hit you.

Oh Gawd...to watch someone you love go through such intense pain and illness and you can do nothing. You are powerless when all through the relationship you were the one able to put the band-aid on the boo-boo and make everything better. All you can do is hold them closely and tell them you are there and love them so much and Thank-you for being brave for me, it must be so very hard.

The mayhem of frightening crash carts come flying in. You find yourself cornered in one small corner of his room. All you can do is peer on in sheer fright while all the hustle and bustle is happening. He yells your name and wants your hand. You cannot reach him. You cannot interfere nor get through the mayhem because they have to do their work. So all you can do is yell across the mayhem letting him know, "I'm here, I Love You, I am holding your hand, hang in there." The pain this makes you feel, and you feel like you are failing as a wife. The stabbing feeling in your heart grows deeper and you want nothing more than to collapse but can't. Day in and day out, this is your life.

Then after all this to be told after all the hope you had, nothing more can be done, you are going to die. I say you because when they are actually saying it to your spouse, it is the same thing as saying it to you. It is a sharp stabbing pain taking your very breath away, putting you on your knees and puts you into a limbo of shock and not knowing how to react.

You want to show incredible strength to that wonderful man who unfailingly was so strong through all the horrifying and painful treatments. He went through each day with "I'm going to beat this for us honey." So, you do not cry although every part of your body wants to scream and say, "O GOD no. I don't want to lose him." But he tried so hard, and it isn't his fault. You don't want him to feel as if he failed you.

I really feel the need to address this topic. I feel more comfortable talking about it now. For those of you who have arrived at this post because you are dealing with a spouse who has cancer, please do not be disheartened. All cancers are different. Many individuals recover and can live happy lives for quite sometime before it comes back or may not come back. Which is what I greatly hope for you.

The fighting puts your system in overload. After all the major paperwork and fighting it took to get clearance for stem-cell transplant. All that just wait to find a near impossible donor due to the protein not just DNA. The match has to be matched by 10 protein markers. For a good transplant your donor must have at least 8 of these protein markers before transplant is considered. That my friends is incredibly rare and unusual to find person who matches. We knew he had a low chance at this, but we agreed to try. So began our new life. Our tragic and frightening life.

This is what can happen, hopefully it won't for you, but in case:

First you are called in and given options for a cancer with little options. You try to be optimistic.

Next you meet with Social Workers and begin the process of adjusting and what will be needed.

Then you meet with the financial department. If you don't have payment up front or guaranteed you have to fight tooth and nail like a momma bear to get treatment for your husband.

You resign from your job to take on the care of your spouse, while still trying to maintain two households. One in the town where you are receiving treatment, and your actual home town where you live.

Not only are you learning to care for your husband and show all the strength you can muster, you are dealing with your own immune system issues. This truly wipes a person out. Physically and emotionally. If you have family to help, excellent. If not, watch yourself. No one else will.

If you don't have family to help, get all the training, all the classes all the groups you can possibly get to. Learn, and then learn more. Engross yourself into learning all there is to know including how to read blood tests.
Corner nurses and say, "I would like to do this for my husband, would you show me." If you come up against resistance, politely let the nurse know, "Either you can teach me through your expertise how to nurse my husband, or choose not to, but when you people are done and all is said, who has the responsibility of the remaining of his life? I do. You'll drop him in my lap and say, okay we're done."

Leave the room and let that nurse think about it. Most oncology nurses quickly see what you are saying. I learned how to care for my husband the way an RN can do. This came in very handy.

The oncology floor you will be on, many many others are just as frightened as you. Group where they are. Eat in the waiting room with them. Strike up conversations. A tight group is formed and we each help each other as much as we can. This is your greatest support group ever, for they do know. We cry when one of our spouses pass, we cheer when tests results come back clear, we pray when chemo has put our spouses in a state of danger and possibly dying. We hold each other when they show back up because of complications. We learn from each other. This will be your new and closest family even though you have family.

Enough heaviness for this post. More will come along. I feel its important to know that many of us understand the pain. A long lasting pain. Actions can be taken to help you through this, but sometimes, it doesn't work for us the way we want.

I hope I can share enough information to help you through your time.

We Got That Boom Boom Pow

2011-05-02T01:00:00.000-08:00

Who said mature women, who are widows, couldn't have fun? I beg to differ. "We got that boom boom pow. Them chickens jackin our style."

Ya don't underestimate us mature women. We'll boom boom pow you off the floor if we want. "We so 3008 and you so 2000 and late." We have how many years experience on ya?

Needless to say, I've been laid up on the couch and can't move. Its been about three days. Moving slow now and at least could bend over to pick up the laundry to wash it!   But we won't mention that will we! My Chiropractor thinks I'm a nut case. He mentioned something about he's never seen so many vertebra out of line. Asked me if it was worth it. I replied, "Ya doc I got that Boom Boom [crack] OW."

I finally broke down and did it. I went to a local scene I was invited to. Good God. They were all the kids I had at slumber parties, in my home for my kids, whom I would say, "would you please turn that crap down?". I don't know how many years ago! I really felt the need to ID them all. But, we had fun! I stayed a very minimum amount of time before I was seen by too many individuals!

Gawd I think my hips will never be the same again, but they convinced "mom" (as each of them called me) she's got that boom boom pow. Whatever that song is talking about. The grammar itself is horrifying to say the least, but I guess its the thing.

By the way ladies, go ahead and do the swing you jus givin hip hop a whole new jive!   Just make sure you save up for the extra bill that follows! I wasn't expecting that expense. So no more boom boom pow for some time to come!

I had a couple of messages on my phone saying they heard about a Sasquatch sighting downtown and if I possibly had something to do with this rumor. Nope, wrong person.

I realized, my poor husband. I've always had that sudden wild side to me. He would just laugh it off.   The playful spirit I had always made him happy because it was me showing I was happy. I think he would be laughing his head off right now saying, "Yep she's got that boom boom pow, that's why I married her!"

Ladies, this post is just to let you know, go break loose. It does a world of wonders. That precious moment of suddenly feeling happy and playful goes a long way for the soul. The pain the next day really isn't too bad. I exaggerated it to some degree. Point is, go have fun.

If you have children who are grown, go out with them and get your fancy clothes on. Which now days means your jeans in the back closet with holes and rips. This is perfectly acceptable. It was very insightful to hang out with such young individuals.

What was even more touching, these kids could see the pain I've been in mentally. This was their way of saying they cared. I never even thought about how my husbands death affected my childrens friends. He was someone they cared about also and looked up to. In their own sweet way, they also showed me I was not forgotten and I too was looked up to. They want to see me happy again. This was the respectful, playful and tactful way they approached me to have fun with them. With their generational era. Very touching.

I feel this has shown a great deal more empathy and compassion than many adults I have been facing. I cannot reverse my age, but this idea of being who I am, is something I can face if I just keep trying. Especially when little drops of unsuspecting plots to breath life back into me happen from the most unlikely sources.

Lets start accepting, moderately I might add, those blessings often overlooked in "small" packages. Go have fun for one night. Set aside all you have been through and just let go. If you are a crier when you drink, alcohol is a depressant, have pop in between. You don't want to go on a downer, you want to have some fun even if only for an hour! I don't drink, but found I had a grand time.

Perhaps soon I will be brave enough to once again go out with friends!

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We got that boom boom pow

What Can You Say To a Widow To Make Her Feel Better?

2011-04-29T11:59:00.006-08:00

Daily conversations, what an ingenious concept. As if widows cannot do this? Well, surprise, most of us can. Some of us will get a bit teary eyed, but so what? This is normal. Certain thoughts, events, scents, and so much else will trigger a memory. It doesn't mean we are so fragile that we're going to break into a million pieces.

What hurts worse is when we are left out of casual conversations. The type of conversations that include laughter, jokes, what is happening in the world around us, and even though you are married and we are not, many of us do care and understand relationships are important! We were married remember? Just because the one we loved is not physically with us, does not mean we are not happy for your accomplishments.

Sure, sometimes we may feel sad and jealous. But doesn't everyone go through these emotions? Its normal. Do you not have a casual conversation even with those who tell you, "I'm so jealous, my husband never buys me flowers?"

I had an unusual incident the other day. A friend of my husbands, who honestly really never could remember my name, came up to me, while I was in the midst of a few single male friends and said..."Hey, you are Rob's wife. I am so sorry. We were good friends." The person with him had a sudden reaction of "Oh God are you OUT of your mind" and his eyes were the size of saucers. Not to mention the deathly silence amongst everyone else.

I smiled and said, "yes you are right. Its okay to say this. I was his wife, and I don't mind that you still think of me this way. He passed away, we did not divorce. It keeps his memory alive for you and reminds me also how much he was loved. Its okay because to some of you, I will always be his wife."

Absolutely no harm was intended. He hadn't been in town for a few years, but at least he knew my husband passed away, and he was kind enough to acknowledge it also makes him feel bad too. He really just wanted to acknowledge he knew and feels bad.

So we are really not that hard to approach. Here's some simple tips:

Most of us don't mind you talking about your husband. We used to have a husband we spoke about too. When we converse back, we will probably use our husband's name. Remember, we had a relationship too. This is not to make you feel bad, it actually makes us feel a part of your world and not so isolate. Why can't we talk about our husbands too?

Please don't gossip or give us news updates of other widows and their personal private lives comparing us. We're glad that they are doing well, and updates are good, but how about leave the salt out of the equation.

You feel weird around us...well how do you think we feel? Its just as odd for us as it is for you. So maybe be honest. Tell us you feel strange and don't want to hurt us but want to continue the friendship and spend some time with us. We'll let you know we're interested and we feel odd too. But a workable solution to this exists, it is called communication.

Gee, it wasn't that hard was it!

As for being scared you'll say something stupid, to be honest, we have all said stupid things in our life. If you do say something stupid, we'll let you know. Most of us will anyway. What hurts is the silence. The avoidance we feel when we do try to reach out. Please remember, we are frightened, and will be this way for awhile.

Sometimes we hide out and avoid you. We don't want to tell you about our rotten hands in life. We would like this ability, as it's nice to have someone to talk to, but we understand no one appreciates a depressing conversation. It is very hard to keep a happy face and tell you we're doing great, couldn't be better, when in reality it isn't that way. We're just pleased someone stopped to speak to us. So when its not going so well, we'll probably hide out. Don't force the issue and don't be offended never speaking to us again.

Please keep in mind, many individuals have gone through a family loss. However, losing a spouse, it is a whole different ball game. Words cannot begin to describe what we are going through. Just because you lost a family member doesn't mean you understand how we are feeling. Empathize with us, but don't take away our right to our pain. To us, it is worse than an uncle, aunt, sister, father or mother. I've suffered loss also. In fact I lost my mother to cancer just a couple years before my husband. I will tell you now, it really hurt to lose my mom, but gawd I can't begin to say how much pain I felt when my husband passed on.

It is the end of the world to us. Realize this.

Do you really want to say something beautiful to us to make us feel better? How about, "I've been thinking about you." Isn't that easy? If you really mean it, give us time to think on how to respond.

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What Would I Do Different...

2011-04-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever asked yourself, if you had the chance to say or do something different would you? Questions regarding the relationship you had, your missing link. The vitality of your life, your one and only?

I find myself engrossed by the idea "stages of grieving." Several individuals I am around lately are taking this to extremes. Its as if all have an answer for me. Why wouldn't they know, after all I'm sure they watched it on some sitcom, Oprah or read a book?

So the question pops up, if you had to do it over what would you do different? Do you have any regrets? After-all questioning or showing regrets to what you did, this is a part of grieving which promotes healing.

Now, exactly how am I supposed to respond to this?

It seems no matter where I go or what I do, someone is there to tell me these stages in some way and then retort, 'You haven't had time to grieve you need to grieve." I find this incredibly odd. Did I not cover my body with enough ashes, pound my chest and scream loud enough to be convincing?

Then there is the other side of the coin.

"You've been grieving long enough. Maybe you should get counseling because you can't move on. Until you resolve this, you'll always be where you are." What do they mean by that? Always be where I am, you mean a total mess-up?

I have to inject this portion of my social experience with a sense of humor. Heaven knows if I didn't I'd be a jar of mixed nuts right now including the annoying peanut gallery. I used to have some incredibly humorous retorts, but why bother? Uh...didn't Bob Dylan address this in his song, "Blowing in the Wind?"

"The answer my friend is blowing in the wind. Blowing in the wind..."

Realistically, counseling is quite private. The particular individuals who have some type of stupid advice regarding the stages of grief are not a part of my immediate life. How would they know whether or not I am going to counseling. Isn't the idea of counseling, or seeing a counselor, all about privacy? Should I run out into the streets and shake hands saying, "Hey I'm getting better I'm going to counseling!" Do you like me now? I'm doing what you want. Proud of me???

Incredibly pathetic when you really come down to it. What right and what possesses an individual to condone anyone? Especially when it comes to grief. The bold and absolute audacity of this is insane in itself. Personally, I would really like to say, "Gee, you really need to seek some counseling regarding the ignorance you maintain. Can't you move on?"

Just to wrap this up quickly and make a good point-What I really dislike? Let me tell you the most painful part of dealing with this:

I don't like being compared to other widows who are remarried or in a relationship.

This type of comparison always sneaks up and you just know its gonna happen. Immediately you begin to grit your teeth as a person points out casually, "oh have you heard...(here's my clue its going to be said) that so and so, who lost a husband near to the same time as you didn't they? Well, they are very happy and living a wonderful life with a boyfriend or they are remarried living a great life.

Do you want me to buy you a bag of salt to make sure you have plenty to thoroughly spread into the deepest portion of my wounds. Thank-you.

This really pisses me off. Unbelievable isn't it? Am I jealous, I don't know maybe so. Or maybe it isn't something I really need rubbed in my face. I find it uncalled for. What is the point? Is this news report supposed to make me feel better, or give me hope? Ever stop to think that maybe this type of news flash pisses me off or makes me feel like crap?

Well I have an answer to this BS question of what would I do different. I wouldn't go through it. DUH.

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Stability in Instability

2011-04-25T15:08:00.000-08:00

Just when you feel alone and no one is around, one of our children, I don't care the age, needs you. I have three lovely children all grown. Well, alright my son, who is a momma's boy, he's getting there at any rate. It seems we all have to have a wild child. If not, God Bless You because you are the first I've known with a perfect life and perfect children!

Odd thing is when ALL three of your children, living all in different States, suddenly give you a call. One right after another. Seems trauma hits all at once in this family. I found my role in life, even without my husband, has not changed. So something in life is stable. Maybe this sounds strange, but for the first time I see stability in my incredibly unstable life. Its always been there, I just never noticed. Was I too busy being preoccupied with what I no longer have?

The rusty fingers frantically picked up the beads and began to create. Can I bring something else that was stable in my life back to life again? I think I can and should. I need some inspiration, I know, a very close friend of mine. So suddenly what I thought was no longer as much a part of me anymore came to life. Using my friend as inspiration and the color combination she enjoys to wear, I was able to create a necklace! Of course I named it Debra!

What I have not been accepting is the fact my stability, my created individuality, never left. It has been here all the time just waiting. Waiting for me to accept I have value without my husband. My husband enhanced my life. He passed away, but he did not take who I am with him even though it feels like it. For some reason I am having a hard time accepting this. I will forever be changed, but I am still who I am and have the ability to do what I once did or enjoyed. It is a major mental block. The idea it is okay to move on.

No, it will never be the same. But then what is in life? I've never been one for the "Stepford Wives" type of life situation anyway. Lord, the idea of Rob ever saying to me, "You can't do that" would be flat out hilarious in itself. Fire would immediately well into the eyeballs, and smoke would bellow through the ears. Ahhh, so why is it, I am allowing others to influence me to being what it is they think I should be? Am I a "Stepford Widow?" A new episode, part two a prime example the extremes some will go to for what they think is right?

Goodness me, if I can just hold on to this feeling of "stability" and work on it slowly, I just might change my path. I do admit I've always been scatter-brained but not quite this bad! At least no I have an idea of stability found inside that I can focus on. It might be a huge help in moving on.

While I had this feeling I did up another necklace. All, feels so nice to actually pick up something familiar. It feels like hanging out with an old friend you have seen in years! Such a nice feeling. Maybe things will start looking up now. I don't know what the turning point in all this is, but somehow I feel I've finally hit a turning point. Hope it is for real this time!

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Is she growing up?

The Gypsy Calls

2011-04-23T13:00:00.006-08:00

Living in my home is odd. The community I've lived in for 24 years feels odd. Even after being here for so long and it is my home. This oddness that I am feeling leads me to believe, I am not accomplishing anything, and probably will not. At least with my husband, I did not feel so detached or "a failure" in creating a successful life and independence.

I have the sudden pull to be what I once was. Why not? That which was important to me is now gone. BDH (Before death of Husband), I was quite the wanderer and loved the experiences. I didn't mind picking up roots. It wasn't as if my roots were attached. I would go from place to place and gosh, I learned so much. It was wonderful meeting new people, new experiences, and nature's wonders. I enjoyed life.

I settled down here because it was a quaint little town full of personality, acceptance, and artistically inclined. I married, but it didn't last long. Then I re-married. We had a difficult marriage, but we worked it out. So by the end of life for my husband, we were terribly close. We had indeed become as one. It was a lot of work to get to that point. We had children, whom are now grown and do not live here.

Losing him at such a young age is hard. We were supposed to do the "gypsy" thing together. His roots were here. He was born and raised in this small town that is land locked and isolated from roads. He wanted to "see" what was beyond this island. Our children have gone beyond the island, and so I really am unto myself here.

When I think about it, no wonder I feel disjointed, discombobulated, flighty and weird. He was the roots to my home. So were the kids. So the "tree of life" is showing itself to me. This is another page in my journey to life. I have been born, I have lived a life, I am now going into another life. The circle is completing. Even so, I know, I really feel something is out there for me.

My story very short: Five years ago, I gave my resignation letter to my prior job. I explained I had to go because my husband had treatments and I was required to be there full time. For a year and half, I did not work. My every minute was with him, taking care of him, going through his death with him and he was going through my grief with me. Well my "career" stopped. Everything stopped. I was told I could not work, it would take my entire energy and focus to take care of my husband. We had no family to help, we had to go out of state. So, it fell on my shoulders. It happens. Now it is over.

I honestly believed I could pick up from where I was. That is exactly how I've been living.

How could I? Jobs are scarce unless you want to work for 7.75 an hour without insurance. Or you can find a job for 9.00 an hour and after six months be eligible for insurance with an 84.00 dollar deduction each pay period not including taxes, SS, and all the other deduction. Even if you managed this by working several jobs, you are faced with a 3,000 dollar deductible prior to any type of coverage. Trust me working that many jobs for three years straight, you'll have your deductible met due to illness because now you can't work. You over did it.

I have tried for three years to regain control over what once was. At this point, I don't think it is reasonable to believe it will happen here. In order to succeed in a career now at my age:

I would be again competing with those who are much younger, and have "up to date" information.

To face this issue, it would mean going back to college and brushing up in the field and furthering my education.

The downfall to this is I cannot afford to go to college. It would mean a Master's. This is a lot of money and financial aid is not available for graduate school.

I do have the option of taking HIS (health information systems) but then again, funding.

I am faced with an illness I must take care of. How without insurance for medication, specialists, and a variety of expensive tests? Reality, I'm going to get worse. I won't be able to afford medication. Without proper new skills training, and a job paying enough to afford insurance, medication and bills...well, something will have to give. It will be my health.

Looking at these actual facts, it just seems to me, I gave it a good go to continue where I am and I tried pick up where I left off at. It probably won't happen. After-all my life has been changed.

When in such circumstances, I've always turned to a Gypsy way of life in hopes of finding a new and right place. The Gypsy calls and I feel the need to oblige. As long as I can stay on the coastal areas! I'll always have my escape and my true friend!

Such is the thought for the day.

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What is next?

No Way, Not Again...

2011-04-20T13:00:00.008-08:00

You have got to be kidding me. How many times will I be on a path and then one day I wake up and think, who is this person in this body?

Out of all the emotions we go through, I think this is the most frustrating, funny and weird feeling to feel. It's almost as if this particular "feeling" goes through its own grieving process.

My version of the "who am i" grief process:

First we realize we are by ourselves, then begin to wonder what that means and how are we going to cope.

Then we're brave enough to set off and figure it out.

Again, we are like "oh I don't want to do this." but we know we have to.

Then we ask ourselves why? So it takes awhile to recover from that.

On to let's try again, just to wake up and think, who am I?

I don't know about you, but it hits me in waves. I don't know if I should be frustrated, humored, unhappy, seek my inner self, join a monastery, or what. I'm sick of it and don't like it. Am I relapsing again? Perhaps its the hypersensitivity syndrome sneaking up on me. So I back-track and try to figure out what took place that triggered the ole "who am I" syndrome. The lack of confidence I feel to face the world by myself. Why? Why would this be such a complicated issue in my life. Unfortunately it is a huge issue in my life and there are days when it is worse than others.

I used to be so brave and strong plowing head on into traffic without the fear of crashing. Now all I want to do is put on a pair of sneakers and run away as far as I can get. I always disliked that movie Forest Gump, but his idea of running is very like-able at the moment.

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Who am I?

Feelin' Froggie?

2011-04-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

Life has really got a way of just letting us feel as if we are doing good, then dealing us a bad poker hand. My husband albeit small, was incredibly tough. He's short and believe me, while young and a tough fisherman he'd pick out the largest man in the bar and go at it, and win. Win what I never understood. What was the point? It's a testosterone thing I guess. I love him deeply, but I would have to admit, he most certainly had a Napoleon Complex. In some strange way, it was sexy and funny to me.

Anyway, his saying for everything, including when life would stare him in the face was, "You feelin froggie? Then come on and leap." Then he'd hold both fists up in the air.

Well, now I know what that saying really means. I feel like life is saying, "You feelin Froggie" and I'm responding "You betcha" and leap toward life. Off I go, finding myself going over the edge of a cliff being scraped up by the thorn bushes I grasp to stop my fall. Until I hit the cold water at the bottom, the fall itself is a complexly painful unstoppable drop. I gasp a breath of air and think, "Holy Moly, what a ride, glad it wasn't cement down here."

I wonder if one should not take those damn leaps to begin with. Sometimes it proves to be a very bad move. I'm a sucker every time it seems.

Why I do this, I do not know. I have a feeling I've been doing it a very long time. Just as I used to laugh so hard when my short little fella would say to someone, "You feelin Froggie?" because it was just who he was, I respond with the leap. It is the way I am.

I think I've always been the leaper. I think he held a harness on me with a bungee cord attached and would always make sure I wasn't hurt and I bounced back up unscathed. But now, no safety cord. I am finding that I tend to take on the leap trying to be tough. Why is this so? Do women have testosterone? Only God knows the reason, which he/she/or whatever deity you believe in, may not know why and is just slapping hand into forehead saying, there she goes again.

What a pity, cautious me, being a dangerous leaper. How does that figure? Very contradictory to who I am. Yet in reality this is exactly what I am doing and it's always been who I was.

Grossly enough, I always find my way back up the cliff, bruised and scathed, but always make it back up. Then I look down and think, why oh why would I do something so stupid? Shaking it off isn't as easy anymore. The leaps over cliffs are having an adverse side effect. Ya think?

All I have to say is watch those leaps. They can sometimes hurt. Each one takes its toll on both the physical and the psyche.

Since this is how I've always been, I better find a parachute to enable better landings. Professional leapers pack their own parachute to ensure it is done correctly. As many leaps as I've been taking, I have come to the conclusion... I'm a professional leaper. I need to start checking my own chute before I go leaping! Good luck out there my widowed friends, be sure to check your chutes!

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Wanna see Tude Dude?

2011-04-16T13:00:00.124-08:00

I've always considered myself incredibly docile, patient and accepting. Even if I do not agree, it matters not; a person has the right to their beliefs.
However, I found I can actually be set off within three minutes of a conversation. What would push me to anger within three minutes? The statement, "You are out hunting for a husband aren't you. All widows are looking for a man because they can't live on their own."

Suddenly my smile grows evil and my piercing blue eyes begin to throw daggers. A response that once started cannot be stopped. The mouth opens and retorts, "Really? Exactly what part of grocery shopping and a smile saying hello constitutes a desperate widow looking for a man? Was it the way I fondled the avocados? Perhaps you should keep shopping and move on."

Instead of leaving it be, no a response just had to be given, "Oh, I see you have an attitude. Men don't appreciate attitudes; they'll stay away from you"

You have yet to experience the tude dude.

What an incredibly pompous ignoramus ever. Who would have thought I would meet a guy more self-righteous than anyone I've ever met in the whole of my life? The type of person who pales the person I told take a hike during a "coffee" date. This and more all within 3 minutes of opening the mouth. Holy cow, that has got to be a record. I damn well told him so too. Attitude, I'll show you attitude.

What did I do? Well, I rarely wear make-up. This day I felt like getting up, having a great day and putting on some make-up to make myself, repeat, myself, feel better about my circumstances. I then headed off to the grocery store. Wow, what a hussy. Can you imagine the nerve of me? Since I felt only like halfway making myself feel better, I wore sweats. My baggy, too big for me, but gotta love them, Coast Guard work out sweats. The sweats that snitched me out. I just know it . They gave it away that I was man hunting.

By the way un-widowed men, not wise to piss off a widow who has been holding in a lot of anger. You gotta mouth like that and a brain the size of a pea, do us all a favor. Please place duct tape across your mouth.

What interesting "notion" this is; of a widow out man-hunting for a permanent fix. Yes, of course I found something interesting along with feeling better that I had someone to be pissed off at besides myself! I googled "issues faced by widows in society", and found some very interesting material.

As widows, we are not only faced with the stigma of what "widow" means to society, but also how it affects us financially. The stigma attached to "widow" is pretty fierce. The list goes on. We are emotional wrecks. Okay, well that one I would agree with. We are perceived as undesirable at our age. Another stigma is that we are incapable of making it on our own. But the financial, now that one is a reality I don't like the statistic on.

From what I found, widows of our age, and younger too especially with children, have completely relied on a two income household. Many individuals did not have insurance or a death insurance policy. Many who have 401 K or such have not been able to put enough in it and it is far before retirement time.

So how does this leave us standing financially? Unfortunately, a large statistic of widows our age will end up having to sell their homes and many end up totally heartbroken and pauperized. Severe debt trying to pay off homes, mortgages, medical bills, credit cards accrued via two individuals on a one person income is not doable. No assistance is available to those who have no children living in the home. A person too young for SS will not receive any help there either. A fairly depressing outlook huh? However, this is the truth for many widows.

I have managed on keeping my humble abode, but only because it was paid off and I only have to pay rent. Even rent is hard enough. I completely wiped out any type of extra's such as cable TV or socializing money. The type of funds that keep us from being recluse. I've been able to barely make it, and am behind on much, but right now, I have no other options. It is very close to me packing up and selling the humble.

Most fairly recent widows reading this are probably right now thinking, "Ah great, this is what I have to look forward too?" It does seem incredibly discouraging doesn't it. Now put that aside. I am here to tell you that you do not have to accept this.

Here's some helping tips:

First, realize with time the pain will decrease.
It may not go away, but it will decrease. Breath and in your own time, start trying to heal.

Recognize that financially, you need to "get it together"
Many places on the internet especially groups for widows or women have a lot of financial information. I did seek some help and its has gone a long way, unfortunately, the economy has gone over the hill faster than I.

If you do have a nest egg, consult with a financial adviser.
Find out what your options are to keep that egg you need.

Recognize that you are not alone. I repeat, you are not alone.
You may feel very alone right now, but there are many of us. Many have it far worse. At least we have a few rights. If you cannot get to a group there are online groups, if you feel you need one.

When going gets tough, keep going.
Some of us no matter how hard we try, are going to end up without anything. Don't crucify yourself. It is not your fault. Just do the best you can.

Finally, don't resolve to ignorant comments that come your way.
If you need to, buy a roll of duct tape and carry it with you. Merely pull it out when you feel the need.

It is frightening, it is painful, and it does take time to be yourself again.

Also, accepting help is not a bad thing. This doesn't mean you are weak. If help is offered, try to accept it. If a person's house burns down having no insurance, most communities jump to the call by raising funds or giving some kind of a helping hand. Being a widow is no different. We had something tragic happen.

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And that's a fact Jack.

Squirrely Girlie

2011-04-13T13:00:00.018-08:00

Ah Spring, its a lovely time of year! The sun is shining, people out walking instead of driving. Spring is something we look forward to. I always get a kick out of how many people are pregnant after winter. Hmmmmm. Long winter I suppose!! :) Winter is far more productive for some than others!

It is time for me to get into the spring forward mood. Normally I have jobs lined up and a busy schedule planned out. Not this time. It feels weird. Don't know why. It's been said that a person is in "grief" mode at least two years. So what happens to those of us who still haven't gotten the hang of it? Its been three years for me. It isn't as painful, but it has definitely debilitated me in other ways. I'm feeling squirrely.

I keep encouraging myself and yet I keep falling flat on my face. Get up brush off, encourage, then think "you can do it", and again, fall flat on my face. Maybe this year will be different. Easier yet, buy shoes that don't have laces to trip on. Oh right I can't. Besides, is what I'm experiencing grief, or is it because I no longer have my focus? My better half; the yin is gone from my yang.

I can see some improvement from last year, but I am still feeling squirrely. Very jumpy about life in general. I am concerned about my sudden doubt in work skills. In fact within this past week I am very down on myself over this. This is not a good thing when you are trying to find work. It emanates from us and employers will pick up on it. But it seems, especially this past week, I am rapidly losing confidence more so than ADH (after death of husband). In some ways I have moved forward, other areas backwards and some areas I am stagnant.

My lifetime belief of, "sometimes things aren't meant to be and you have to keep going" isn't really working. Honestly, do you know how tired I am of telling myself this? I especially resent it when others tell me this. I wanna just give them a slap along side of the head and walk away. But, that would be completely unsociable wouldn't it! Its a fun thought once in a while and will keep you smiling. If they only knew what you were envisioning!

On the spring note: its free dump week up until mid month. All your garbage you can haul away and get rid of for free! What a deal! I had someone call and tell me this. I busted up laughing. I was seriously needing someone to talk to at the time this person called, but I didn't say a word. Just that brief moment in my mind of..."Oh, I will start hauling items out of the home." How ironic is this? Spring cleaning, hauling problems away for free, oh ya, boy do I have some junk to haul!

I wanna just do the ostrich and put my head in a hole so I can feel like I'm invisible to others. So I suppose, since I'm feeling squirrely about life in general, I'll go through my personal closet too. What doesn't need to be there and if I can see it and detach it or am ready to part with it...to the junk pile it goes. I do not think what I am feeling is grief. Its something that has always been, only highly pronounced for the time being. Again, due to losing my Yin. My Zen Master. I will probably have much more that I need to deal with. Its one long string to the center of a hallow hole with a shriveled up carcass.

I don't know about anyone else, but once I finally decide to get rid of some negativity, I write it on a piece of paper. I really focus on what I am writing on this paper. Then I take a hammer and smash that piece of paper. I try to envision the frustration leaving me. Plus, I'll be honest, I get a very odd sense of enthrallment smashing that paper with a hammer. If anything remains, I torch it! This is starting to sound gruesomely disturbed isn't it? Well, it works for me and always has. I don't know if its considered fighting negative with negativity. To be honest don't really care. What does it matter. It isn't hurting anyone and it doesn't hurt me. It helps me release some pent up frustrations.

Is it time to get your piece of paper out too?? Maybe you would rather find a different way, or maybe you want to keep what you have of yourself good or bad since you've already lost so much. I'm at the stage now where I need to roust out and chase off at least one squirrel.

Today's post sponsored by:

A Widow's Perspective.

Madam Butterfly

2011-04-10T11:56:00.003-08:00

Have you ever found yourself just fluttering about afraid to make that landing? Dang it’s a pain to run about trying to catch that runaway balloon. Why is it so darn complicated?

When I was very young, just a child, I use to watch butterflies. I found them mesmerizing. They flutter about almost aimlessly it seems. However, you know in reality they are on their own mission. Not only are butterflies beautiful but they are interesting creatures.

Butterflies flutter moving up, down and forward. They don't fly, they flutter, or so it seems to me. They land very gracefully. Have you ever seen a butterfly fall unless its wings have been damaged? They are so intriguing that you want to touch. But, if you get near that butterfly, now matter how sneaky you try to be, off they go. You missed your chance at touching something so beautiful, so delicate. You think, "Rats, better luck next time."

Butterflies are all different, none being the same. Fascinating how they live going through major changes without a care. In fact, that is their mission. Butterflies are born to change. They metamorphose from something considered by some to be creepy, crawly or incredibly elaborate and then they reach their beauty, then its done.

Birth, well has anyone ever try to unwind a silk cocoon? A seemingly endless fine delicate thread, but to get to the very end, gosh it takes forever. A lot of patience. Imagine how it long it would take to make that cocoon if you weren't a butterfly.

Unlike butterflies we are human. It is not in our nature to go through such rapid change with natural graceful landings. Nor is it in our nature to metamorphose into anything than what we are, human. Bottom line, when you lose a loved one, a job, a home or a good friend, we are going through a change whether we know it or not.

Now wait just a minute! Didn't you previously whine about people accusing us of being changed, or different, when we really aren't? Yes, indeed I did thank-you for calling me on that. Now hear me out:

What causes us to be different is our "human-ness". We have emotions. We feel. We are born, then we live, then we age, then we pass away. This is our life cycle. Mix emotion to the picture and the cycle affects not only us, but others around us. If we fell over while watching that butterfly, would the butterfly notice? No, not unless it was a "danger-fly away" reaction. But if we had a friend with us they would truly be laughing with us.

Wow, so where is that friend that laughs with us? Could it be they are trying to reach out and touch a butterfly?

We have friends, or most of us do at any rate. Yet we all feel, they don't understand. Why do we "appear" different to them? Why do they appear different to us? We aren't different. We are "feeling" different. This affects those near us.

Being forced to go through a change we don't understand nor will we ever understand is not easy. So in a way, no, we'll never be the same. However, we will be who we are even though we have to accept and adjust to the "newness" of our being.

Each of us has a butterfly, beautiful and different from each other. We are all going through a change, this includes those around us. Since it isn't natural for us, it is going to cause some fluttering about. Because we are not really butterflies, it is just a metaphor, we face the reality. We are emotional beings. Emotions are not the same in any of us. Change is okay, but painful change isn't natural and we don't like it. We lose our footing in life. Hence, some very awkward landings! We do not fly out of danger because no real danger is present. We just feel strange and since we don't like it, we take flight.

Maybe our friends have no way of knowing how to react to such fluttering. Remember, we are dealing with emotions. Some individuals have more patience at catching butterflies than others! Also, think about that cocoon. Since that isn't natural either, it took a long time to spin that baby. So no matter how much thread we allow to be removed, there is a whole lot more.

This is a situation we just have to work out. Always, there will be those who think they have the right answers for us, but it was not our answer. Unless it is ours, it won't be the right answer. Instead of being hard on ourselves, we need to give ourselves time to work it out. Remember, we affect those around us even if we don't mean to. So give them time too. Once the dust settles, and eventually it will, those left standing are honestly our friends.

This day's edition is sponsored by:

A Widow's Perspective. She's real!

Who am I?

2011-04-10T00:03:00.003-08:00

I've received so many private comments asking me, who are you really?!! Are you sure you want to know? Mystery is a lot of fun you know!

Well honestly, haven't you been reading? This is who I am. Why do I do this anonymous? Because I can. Sometimes its easier to speak your mind, especially living in a very tiny town, without the hassles of being stopped and condoned for your every thought.

So, I went on a search. Who am I? I mean really. I keep telling all of you I am an individual and always have been. A part of myself never disappeared even ADS (After Death of Spouse). So I changed my look of my site to make it a little more reflective of who I am.

Green is a growing color. It signifies life. We see plants, if they are alive, they are most likely green in some way. It just brings comfort and life it seems. I created this blog site in hopes to breath life back into some of us who really need to be reminded, we do have life. Its just real hard to figure it all out right now. In life there is no right or wrong.

Yes, I have some incredibly weird, and sometimes harshly philosophical questions I analyze constantly. I can say I am my own worse critic, and this is the reason my feeling are hurt so easily.

Then I look all around and I see these gorgeous picture of individuals who look absolutely fabulous! I would put my picture up too if I was that neat. But you see my profile picture? Yes, the one with my back and I'm staring off in a distance? Well truth be known, that is me, doing precisely what I do. The ocean is my life. She soothes me and has been there through ALL my grief. She listens, and not once has she glazed her eyes over at me. She's angry like me sometimes. We have so much in common.

Also, I am an artist. That's right. I just recently lost another job, not a clue what happened, but no reason to dwell on it. Another loss I'll have to deal with emotionally. Just went to the specialist to find out, my life is going to make yet another dramatic change. But my art is something, I do not lose and if it changes, its always a positive event. It is with me always. So, I do a lot of art and yes I even have an Etsy site and sell at bizarres and through others.

Oh, did you know, I have a Masters in Herbal Health Sciences! Certified and can practice. Plus I am an aromatherapist, although not certified yet.

Was an anthropologist for many years.

So just to be a little bit "more" human, since dumping my thoughts are not enough for some...I am turning a "leaf" per se. A new season has come and I must adjust now.

From here on out, I will put a post of my picture on my blog posts! This will remind you who I am, because although I do not have a picture of meticulous grooming and profile, it certainly tells you in a picture of who I am.

I am she who takes comfort in the simple things in life. I am what you see. But inside, I am incredibly deep. Very "nature" oriented, and actually quite easy going!

I'd like to visibly introduce you to "A Widow's Perspective" and the person behind the scene.

You see, exactly as I said, you see what I am, you get what you get! A plain ole person who lives a complicated but simple/stressful life surrounded by natures beauty!

Also known as Wandering Herb Botanicals which I am trying to get started, and also known as Sea Gypsy Art: Sea Gypsy Art

Hey its a start and a big one for me. I've been doing this most my life, and when my better half left and moved on with his new life, I had all but abandoned my individuality. My work. So for the first time, I begin again in baby steps!

Runaway Balloon

2011-04-02T15:31:00.006-08:00

My goodness and so much can happen in so little time.

Suddenly you find yourself doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do. Like stopping in the middle of something important and find yourself quite literally screaming, "Hey, wait a minute. Stop, just STOP" If you're not verbally yelling it, then your body language is. Boy Howdy, not only can you misread it, but so can others. Energy is a funny being.

I have been trying to adjust to all the sudden waves of change. In fact, as rapidly as possible so I can do that thing called, "Move on." Just like the rest of us. But what is that? How the hell can you move on when you are heedlessly spinning broadies in your daily life? You can't. So your body suddenly screams at you. Do you hear me? No, it wasn't a large enough hit.

Then you realize how completely aggravating you are to the general populous of individuals you deal with. This realization causes even more spins. Trying not to be aggravating when you really don't mean to be...it is not a good situation. It isn't like you can just stop aggravating when you don't know what you are doing that is so aggravating!

Tail spin and then comes the crash. Is a smooth landing often achieved from an uncontrolled tailspin leaving a trail of smoke along the way?

What happened to focus? Ah, here is the most aggravating part of all. Complaints of lack of focus which causes others discomfort. Exactly how would you feel in this situation. Just for one moment think of this:

Most your life your focus has been a husband and children. Your husband/partner/significant other helps you maintain your focus. They know you. Your sounding board, your confidant, they ARE your focus. Suddenly one day you wake up and your significant other is gone. Also, your children are gone. Then suddenly you find out you are really truly ill and disabled (whatever that means) and you better slow down. What happens to focus?

Think of it this way, your entire life you have spent blowing up a balloon. Suddenly that balloon slips out of your fingers losing air quickly. It is making a lot of noise and flying all over. The balloon lost its focus, its stability (your fingers), and the rapid loss of air causes it to scream hastily higgledy piggledy. Until the opening is closed or the air is gone...it will not land.

That my friends, is exactly how I feel. This is how many individuals who lose someone feel. So when our lack of focus aggravates you, step into our shoes. Could you maintain the same balance throughout if you lost the source of your balance? The source of focus in your life?

So maybe I am aggravating you. I beg your pardon. I will, and yes I WILL get it together. I just have to relearn how to focus. It is a new balance within ourselves we have to find. It will not happen over night and for some of us can be an incredibly long process. This does not mean any of us are nuts, or insane, or have serious psychological issues. No, we have not changed we are still who we are. Our focus has been taken quite abruptly from our lives. We are learning our personal balance.

Quite frankly, if I am aggravating, terribly sorry. It is not intentional. But it is completely normal and understandable. Rather than let something I am unaware of or can't control aggravate you bringing deep seated discomfort, lets try being supportive. A simple, it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed? It sounds like you need some time to regain focus? It is called empathy.

Is this meant to be a "feel sorry for me?" Oh, heavens no, the last thing any of us need. At that rate, we will not find our focus, nor our balance. It just prolongs the issue. Just once in awhile take a step back and see it through a different perspective.
Perhaps, just perhaps, this will explain why some of us going through so much tragedy at once, have a hard time knowing what it is we are supposed to focus on since there is so much to focus on. The balance is gone and balancing is not easy.

I hope this will assist someone whether the individuals aggravated or those of us who are unintentionally causing the aggravation.

We will have to stop sometimes quite abruptly and re-evaluate. We're scared. It is not easy to catch and tie a runaway balloon. It won't be forever though. We will catch our runaway balloons. Just don't expect us to do it in the time frame you think we should. We're not all the same.

Have a peaceful and balanced day!

Is it Black and White

2011-03-21T22:35:00.008-08:00

Really you ask. Black and white? How about the gray, a humorous side to all this. Yep my friends I would have to say yes. Indeed a humorous side exists.

Have you ever noticed that black is a very death reflected color. Why? Why when I walk into a group, or look at pictures of grief, black is always indicated in some shape or form. Whether it is the clothes bound to those in mourning or the binders of information for those who seek hope through groups?

Well I rebelled. I turned everything having to do with mourning into pastels, warm greens, forest greens, colors that aesthetically give hope. My lord, you would've thought I broke a social law. Is it really so important that we MUST, just because others think we should, bear the burden of pain for up to one year, two years or even three years? What about the hope the person who loved us would want us to have? The hope that our lives can continue on and it is okay. How about if we set our own comfort levels!

The reactions to doing something out of the ordinary but making what is perfect sense to me can cause quite the ruckus! I don't mean to, but I think its a valid point. As individuals who have lost someone we love, our confidant, our best friend, the very half of us...we need to be shed with hope that we can be whole again and that's okay.

Reality, black is neither negative nor positive. Yet we have caused it to be associated with all that is bad in our lives. What has black ever done to us? Its really quite a beautiful color. It matches with everything!

Why then is white always associated with good. White is a pain in the rear end. You ever try to wear a pair of white pants and keep them clean all day? I can tell you black has done me more justice and purity than white ever has on a rainy day.

Signals. All signals that are sent and our minds interpret our own way. Yet society has so much to do with it also. I asked a very wise person last week, "What is wrong with me? Does the deep furrowed worry line on my forehead state, "If you are strange, please stop to talk to me I'll listen" I've been having this situation from quite frequently throughout life. As of lately, it has gotten worse. If an actual "normal" and I truly cringe to say that, but anyway, if a person like that even came near me...would I notice him or her? Probably not. Hence I would never know them would I? Sad isn't it, yet so ironically funny.

The funny thing I have come to realize, indeed, I do wear the signs of, "You may approach me whomever you are for who you are, especially if you are off" Is this a good thing or not. I don't know and does it really matter. I mean at my age is it really worth changing it. I have so much else I could be doing. We are all different in some way.

My husband used to just laugh all the time saying, "walking into a crowd of people with you is an adventure unto itself. The strangest of individual will approach you and you just gab away even though I know you don't have a clue what that person is talking about."

Such is life. The important thing is that person wasn't bothering me and they left feeling understood. I met someone interesting, and many times someone I really would rather not see again.

One day, while he was going through treatment and was rebelling with doctors orders, he decided he was going to see what it was like through my eyes. Poor fella. So we end up in downtown and young people all around us were wearing fox ears and tails, or wrapped up in samurai looking outfits sporting silver painted plastic swords, some quite odd outfits. He was proud to report to me an Anim'e convention was in town hence the costumes. Bravo! That's explains it all, I thought the samurais were on a fox hunt.

Then we turn the corner. Black. Black everywhere. Black dog collars, fingernails, cross-bones, chains, boots, all black. Proudly he says to me, "they must watch a different channel."

I smiled and said, "No sweetheart, they are real, these are Goths. It is an actual social structure in our society."

What I found wonderful were these young individuals took the time to talk to two weirdo's dressed in jeans, wool sweaters and rubber boots, and tell us exactly why they dress the way they do. Told us about their philosophy in life. Now isn't this what living is all about? I know folks are different, but there is so much to learn from each other. This was the day I learned black is only what we make it. Black is just black. That's it. It is neither here, nor there, nor good, nor bad. It is what we make it.

So I suppose if we take life so seriously, then serious is what we will receive. If we laugh and see the beauty of individuality and humor in life itself, then we are blessed with the ability to have hope. Even if it means to rebel against the "norm."

Be careful, but try to rebel if you want. No harm in it. Try to find something to giggle or laugh about at least once or twice a day. Then realize, hope, that wonderful hope, is coming back to life in your heart. Your loved one would want this.

Can women our age really start a new life?

2011-03-13T05:17:00.005-08:00

The last time I wrote was the beginning of February. With all the private and public contacts I received, it appears that us widows/widowers made it through the Christmas and New Years just fine. It wasn't so bad was it! We may not have been in the position to spend our entire non-fortune on those we love, but we were able to be creative.

It is the "creative" portion of this I would really like to address. It seems we do all we can to survive by either holding each other up emotionally, or giving each other ideas for approaching our dilemma's. One dilemma I had been running into head on is the age group in which I fit. I am seen as "older" and not the young single fresh face to be an energetic representative of a place I apply for.

Hmmmm. However, I am single. I am energetic, and I am resourceful, educated, and have experience in a variety of areas. I may not be Marylyn Monroe gorgeous, but I don't think I am Lyle Lovett either. So why suddenly am I too old to have an opportunity the same as any other female no matter the age? Not to mention men, a majority of men, our age are seeking out much younger women. Another story different time. Still this quandary exist quite prominently. What can I do so I am not stuck in situations that are mindless and boring tasks?

I have been finding ageism is quite alive in our society at large. I am not seen for what I have to offer, but I am wanted for the multitude of tasks I can do behind the scenes without human contact. I thrive on human contact. I need it. I feel incredibly stifled and heavily controlled being set aside. Without the same opportunity to learn new techniques to update my present ones how will I ever move up. I love to learn! It is very akin to being stuck in an odd time freeze; a disheartening stagnation in my life I just find it increasing as time goes on!   Ahhh, as time goes on!

It's almost as if in real life, we have become a huge commercial trying to project a certain image, and youthfulness an essential factor.

Not long ago we fought for our rights to make the same wages in the same positions as men. Now this odd "ageism" starts happening within the females status, for those whom we fought for? Is this our thanks?   At the age of 40 to 70 we are no longer valuable to society unless hidden away from public view?

My mother ran into this "ageism" while trying to apply for reasonable professional level jobs that would support her. Only younger females were hired. She mentioned this to me prior to her departure from this life just before my husbands. I didn't quite understand what she meant til now. I now approach this from a different perspective because what if she was right. My mother was never ever a bitter woman. She saw something from a sociological perspective at the time I could not see. I was young!

My mother had two degrees, no actually three. She was a licensed Psychologist, Licensed Social Worker, and Certified in Substance Abuse. I was so proud of my mother because she had been so controlled by my father, and she finally divorced. The fulfillment of her educational venture did not come around until she was in her late 30's and her PhD was in her fifties. Job after job after job was denied to her and always someone hired was "young" or "young, single and pretty" and did not have near the experience my mother did over the the past 30 years. The jobs applied for, if my mother had been given even a small chance, she would have been absolutely bomb at. She went through 7 years of this. Divorced and alone.

Is it not the "American way" to be able to improve our lives at anytime, at any age, race or gender?

I wonder, after all that has been proceeding in my life also, being educated and experienced, why I would be having such complications also and the individuals receiving the same jobs I applied for are...much younger.   BAM, didn't mom mention this?

Suddenly, through my mother's experience, I begin to understand why women aged 39 to 65 are forced in the situation of feeling they are no longer productive or indispensable to our society as a whole. Many feel the need to spend a wealth of money on products to keep them looking "younger." Heaven's, I'm really not that aged. I have such a full life ahead of me still. Yes, we slow down, but hey we all slow down at our own pace. I know some young adults who can't think and move as fast as I can! Don't put me in the nursing home yet!

Hiring processes have most definitely changed. Those of us with background, due to our age, we are having a terrible time finding legitimate positions with the possibility of working up merely because of our age. So we are put in little corners at lower paid positions without the possibility to "climb the ladder" per se. On several occasions, only those who are younger are fostered in "climb the latter" ventures. This is a very hard action to prove, so what can be done about it?

At first I thought, nah, I'm just feeling a little out of sync, I'll go for a nice little walk. While taking a walk about town, I happen to run into another widow friend of mine who was in tears. She has immaculate credit and was financially fortunate (not wealthy, but able to survive) when her husband passed away, no major financial hardship. She went to get a small loan to fix a few things in her house. Mainly her cooking stove. She was denied by several banks due to her age. Her words were, "It seems when we are widowed, and older, we are forgotten and no longer exist. We are too old to carry on with our lives, yet we have to carry on because we really aren't that old." I was stunned that even banks are turning people down on small loans due to their age. The idea of "the other boot dropping" is prominent. Yikes.

That was the statement of the day due to something that had happened to me earlier.

I thought about my mother and what she said, again. She use to call me in tears. One month of 12 rejection letters, finally she went to check why (this is a common thing to do so you can better prepare with the next job application) with all this beautiful background and education, and the love of working with younger individuals, and also being a face in her community did she get set aside. Was it her resume? Her presentation? Her clothing? Why was it someone many years younger would get the position. They are given the opportunity to work their way up into better circumstances. Mom would be offered something of much lower income in positions that were not the type that would last.   She explained to me it was her age and there is now way any of us can turn back the clock. By the way, she did find that perfect job just 3 months before she passed.

Perhaps the organization should be really looked at before applying just walking through the halls or looking at the "scenery." Look for that "image" they are trying to portray.

If this is happening to you, don't be down of heart. Keep going. I know it bites to work in a Walmart store when you have so much to offer. But it seems, we are stuck with this until we start finding companies who higher on basis of resume and personality rather than "image" alone. Look for companies who avoid young individuals that will get free training and jump boat for a better job! We just want wages that we too may pay our bills and form a nest egg. We are alone, and we need this nest eggs as much as those who have many more years ahead of them. If you treat us good, let us move up the same as anyone else, we'll stay til we are forced to retire! Allow us the same opportunity, that is not asking much.

To deal with this, get creative. That is one idea that we have learned through experience others younger than us have not. It is like pitching a product just to get a job. Walk through the halls, observe, what is their image? Then address it and give them a pitch of why your age does not matter without mentioning age.

As for the blog-- We'll see how once a month progresses, then I will shoot for twice a month! An actual schedule. So much going on in life, I am terribly exhausted by the end of the day. Hopefully life will even out a bit and I can actually send more time on thoughts!

Your responses and suggestions both online and private have been an encouragement to keep this going. I hope you continue to do so!

Seasons in Life

2011-02-06T11:48:00.001-09:00

I watch out the window at the beautiful snowflakes falling ever so lightly and building up. The entire ground is now white. It feels clean and fresh.

So now it is time to reflect. It is that time of year. How far have I gotten to clean and start again just like seasons start and finish for the next season. What have I done to "clean" my own closet both physical and mentally.

The void, well, lets remember the void. Now that I recognized it, slowly but surely, I have embraced it. I now fill that void. I do volunteer work, my artwork, and cleaning. Taking out the old and bringing in the new is not so bad after all.

The shell, well by recognizing my void and embracing it, also it breaks down my shell slowly on a comfortable level. The volunteering I love to do takes me into the world doing something I feel safe doing. It also introduces me to new and very interesting individuals. It challenges my brain and makes me feel more confident in myself. This takes me into the world of applying for new jobs. Jobs I can do just scared to get the rejection letter. Sometimes it takes a lot of no's to get that one yes you wait for. It's all a part of life.

All in all, with the extreme emotions of the last years, it's not so bad and I am allowing myself to see progress. I try to allow the negatives to become the positives in my life.

I hope you all are fairing well also and see the progresses you've made since last year. Sure, it takes awhile, but at least there truly is hope knowing we can retrain ourselves. We can become alive again!

Thank-you so much for the replies and the many private responses I receive. It is a humbling and honoring feeling to know that you truly are being a strength or inspiration to others. Even if it means throwing out your most inner feelings!

The Shell

2011-01-23T23:38:00.000-09:00

I hope we all survived the holidays. It's a new year. I will try to post at least once a week. I'm going to bump it up!! One thing I noticed this holiday is that I literally found the strength to crawl out of my shell and enjoy seeing people.

I have put up a very hardened large shell around myself. No one could penetrate. The one person who did, I didn't quite allow that shell to come off! Which was a good thing because the little portion of it I did, the inside was hurt terribly. My shell is my safety zone. If I feel scared, hurt, afraid or insecure, I run back into the shell. Funny thing about shells, I am now living like a hermit crab. Hermit crabs are interesting creatures. They move into larger shells as their bodies outgrow the old ones. I have become a hermit crab!

I thought about it and what does one do with a shell when you finally figure out it exists. If you remove that shell too forcefully, such as a king crab leg, you tear up what is inside and pieces of the shell splinter into the tasty meat. So remnants of that are not appealing. I guess its going to take some time to deal with this shell.

I did get a little too excited about "coming" out and made quite the nuisance of myself by talking far too much to the wrong individuals and got my feelings hurt. Ran back into the shell to re-think. Of course I talked too much. I haven't spoken to anyone for three years. I've pretty much isolated myself so I wouldn't bother anyone. Again, rethink this. Over talking and exploding from years of silence, not a good thing. Its like having to re-learn boundaries all over again.

With my husband, I could say anything. I was never criticized for how much I spoke or what I spoke about. He was my best friend. This is no longer the case.

Now it's time for me to realize I am alone, and that is alright, and if I want to be with others, I need to learn some boundaries on visiting. So I will take little dashes out of my shell at a time and then run back in. Like playing tag. This way I will not get too close and get hurt again, yet I am filling that need to socialize. I was wounded by a past event leaving me crushed and having a major lack of confidence. The floor was pulled out from under me. Bad enough that it will take awhile to recover. However, I am a strong woman, and I have no doubt I can learn to do "socializing" all over again! Only this time, with boundaries!
Have a wonderful week everyone.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

2010-12-25T03:08:00.001-09:00

I would like to share with you one of my families traditions. When we were so exhausted and just hoping everyone would go to bed, we'd all gather round with a warm cup of hot chocolate. The kids would then wait for me to recite "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to them. We did this up til their late teens!

My husband would sit with the kids while I did my recital filled with as much excitement as I could make it! It's sad, but not really. Old traditions make way for new ones. I do miss my husband, but I know he will always enjoy this recital every year.

So have a nice time this Christmas and I hope everyone is blessed in some way!

Twas the Night Before Christmas

By Clement Moore

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Tis the Season...Is it a sweet bitterness?

2010-12-22T19:44:00.000-09:00

Tis the season to be jolly, falla lah lah lah, tee dah dah dah!

I had an interesting conversation the other day with a young female in a position to help others. I had called to find out if assistance existed for my particular situation. One does not know until you ask.

I was explaining my situation what I needed, what do to get help, if help existed, when this woman said, "Oh, it's okay to be bitter, it's completely understandable."

SCREECH. Seriously an abrupt halt in my thoughts. My mouth dropped open, I bit my lip and thought back...exactly what in all this did I say that might lead a person to interpret it to bitterness. If I needed help with bitterness, I think I'd probably go to a counselor. After quickly thinking in my head back on what I said, I could not for the life of me connect "bitterness" to any statements made. I am not bitter about it, concerned, yes, but bitter, no.

So I did what I have not done, ever, in my life. I asked. "Bitter? What do you mean its okay that I'm bitter, Would you mind explaining to me what you mean?" I decided to make her responsible for her statement. If I sound bitter I need to know. I don't want to do bitter. Maybe my situation and trying to explain it sounded like complaining which is like bitterness?

She went into explanation: "Well, you lost your husband and you are widowed, he didn't set you up and now you are in need of help. He left you. All widows are bitter people I see it all the time. Its okay because I broke up with my boyfriend who cheated on me and it makes me bitter too, so I understand. Breaking up with someone is a loss also"

Wow. Now I'm thinking: What happy pill did she take today? Maybe the break-up happened quite recently? Taking a very deep breath and saying very many ohmmmm's in my mind before responding: "It is sad when a man cheats, it hurts. What concerns me is your statement...all widows are bitter people. Is this truly how you think of me. Do I sound bitter?"

Silence. Then, "I didn't mean to bother you with my problems. But you need to admit that you are a widow and are bitter from the experience. He should have "set" you up for life. Unfortunately he did not, and now you have to ask for help which is something you don't do."

WOW. Actually it's true, I'm accustomed to trying to do things myself before asking for any help. I am incredibly uncomfortable with this. But, no, now I am what is called mad. Its called anger. What an incredibly generalized statement. How dare you say that about my husband. Is this how those of us who lose a loved one are perceived? We are automatically bitter? Or this gal is having a real bad day and thought to make mine worse by insulting my husband? How dare she belittle my husband he is not here to defend himself. I have to do it. The thoughts rushing through my head made me pivot. My husband was a hard worker. He did the best he could. It's not his fault I can't seem to get my life together. Which I thought I was. It was not his nor God's fault he fell ill and passed on. No one has control over this. So why would this cause me to be bitter or hate anyone? I may have gone through a bitter stage long ago feeling abandoned, yes, but we can snap ourselves out of that.

I let the conversation end. I didn't even defend my husband to her. Why bother? She was convinced of his guilt. I did however, have the question in my mind of...do I sound bitter, do I act bitter. Do I walk around and personify bitterness? What if I do and am not aware of it? Lord, no wonder some folks suffer from neurosis.

I turned to a few others who are widowed and asked them if they went through a bitterness that others saw and they didn't. Amazingly, the response from each was, "No, actually I was never bitter, but many of my closest friends assumed I was going to be bitter. It was insulting and hurt. You're being accused of being bitter aren't you? Are you alright? Would you like to talk about it?"

This was intense for me. I had to think. I agree with stages. I have seen my own stages. I can also see where my anger almost turned to sweet bitterness taking hold. But, just where are some individuals getting the idea that being bitter is a necessary stage to progress through? Therefore, all, widows/widowers are probably bitter. I begin to question myself, and no, I don't need to start the self doubt. Situations cause bitterness. I can see where some situations I have gone through I picked up a bit of bitterness. So I need to let go of that.

I was stunned to learn that we are often thought of as bitter individuals automatically. It's sad. Most widows I have met are actually quite strong, resourceful, and incredibly graceful individuals. We plod on through life in our own way. Let go. This idea of "bitterness" seems to crop up when we try to take control of a situation we need to deal with. Suddenly, no matter what you say or how you proceed, you are thought of as a "bitter" widow. LET go. Funny thing: if you get perturbed and try to defend yourself, you are acting bitter. So, not much can be done about this one. It is situations like this, and generalized comments that will cause a bitterness. LET GO. I could feel my mind reeling and looking for answers. I don't think there are any. I think I just ran into someone having a bad day. If I was bitter, most individuals would avoid me and not stop to say hello. I should think anyway. I'm letting this one go! Yes, this is one to let go otherwise, bitterness will well up. Done. I am letting go! Okay. Let go.

I don't know about anyone else, but I do know, life goes on. The eggnog on sale is as sweet as I remember! It is sad I do not have my husband with me, but I will make it through the holidays once again! :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Three more days. Will I get it all done?!! Hey! Who cares!! The world will not end!

Egocentrism or Survival?

2010-12-10T23:00:00.002-09:00

What drives us as individuals? Is it the need to support a family yet have enough to enjoy your life when our children grow up and move away? Is it a natural survival? Is it egocentrically focused to have more than another?

The last two years, I've been observing more egocentrism than I ever have in my life. I began to wonder how one moves to another? Common decent working folks or those who survive doing the best they can, and then the egocentric maniacs. What happens?

Most of us are taught to seek those goals and grab them. Seek out better. Make higher wages. We are driven to do better. Some of us are taught, always do your best, so our goal is to always do our best no matter what our situation is. A dear friend told me her father was doing the very best he could to support his family. He had to take a job sweeping the street. Rather than be humiliated, he went and swept those streets and was the best at it. Take pride in what you do no matter what it is.

As widows/widowers, many of us struggle to just keep on going. We are doing our best, and then through other people's perspectives, we're not doing enough. We are failing because we are doing "life" wrong. Have you noticed most of them having this perspective are not widow's or widowers? Keep this in mind when you are thought of as a screw up. Look at the source, betcha they haven't been there done that yet like we are. We are all so different, but when someone is trying, and that thing called "life" doesn't go the way it is supposed to, how can we be held responsible. Learning takes awhile when you've lost everything in your life because you have to begin again.

We go through life just surviving doing the very best we can. We were taught to do the best you can no matter what. Some of us, at one time, raised families and when life was supposed to finally focus on each other, our significant other passes on. Too soon it seems because your still very young, yet, for females, we aren't. At this age I'm talking mere forties, we are "spent" in societies eyes. It isn't as easy to start over. Yet we know we have value and we have far more life. Life was just going to begin in a new way.

Depending on the situation, we may be set up financially or we may be absolutely extinguished. We may be the type where no matter how hard we try, we are stuck in survival mode. We're exhausted, spiritually drained and feel completely demoralized. We are nothing but shadowy wisps walking in this life's realm trying to pay that next bill or where we will lay our heads to sleep. We go around corners not looking because we really don't want to know. I mean one knows its probably not going to be something that will bring us joy, but what if it is? We are constantly told not to lose hope. What if our happiness is just around that corner? So, we go around that corner, again, and what is there, is there.

What exactly happens that turns all this into egocentric demands on ourselves?

When I lived with my grandparents I was always told, "Never mind what the Jone's have. If you always want what the Jone's have and try to keep up with them, you will be forever tangled working on demands you will never be able to fulfill. You'll be greedy and jealous. Someone will always have something you don't."

I believe falling for "trying to keep up with the Jone's next door" is a good definition for egocentric behaviors. Egocentrism at its finest not only hurts your personal spirituality, but also will hurt those you ruthlessly expire just to get what the Jone's have. Including your loved ones. The Jone's drive up in new cars, go on vacations, flaunt their properties, laugh, are happy, it just continues on. Now, see, this is what happens when we try to keep up with the Jones. That is what we "see." We have just under-dogged ourselves.

I drive around and see the beautiful Christmas lights on the houses. Oh so pretty. Then pull up to my humble, quiet humble, broken, in disarray, disheveled yard, old fence and dark abode. I sit in the car, not a nice one, but it gets me around and think, I want lights too.

Wow, there I go. I just under-dogged myself when I really am trying to just survive. In reality they don't do it to show off, they want the lights to be enjoyed! I actually go and drive around and look at the lights. Of course I want lights, who wouldn't want something pretty that everyone is enjoying?!! Yes, of course it's showing off, but some are truly sincere and want to cheer folks up and remind them its Christmas.

If I bought a string of lights for outside the house...electricity bill? Don't need more problems.
Am I going to be happy after I get that string of lights? Knowing the repercussions of the lights?
When I pull up, in my working but needs help car, will I be happier because those lights I had to buy causes me financial stress at a time when all bill collectors are at their most aggressive?
Now I'm worried about the car too?

No, my grandparents were right and very wise. A person fixated on having what someone else has will go to any extremes to get what they want. It won't stop at one, the list will only grow. If you think about it, we can unknowingly cause ourselves subjugation to egocentric behavior. We'll not only hurt ourselves but others too cause we don't care if we hurt others including our loved ones. We want what those other people have because we want to be happy too and that is supposed to cause our happiness. We're sad. We've lost everything and no matter how hard we try, its not going to be the same. Our spirit and heart anguish for a moment, just a brief moment, of hope and happiness.

Well here it is:

From material found, along with thread and needle, I am able to create some gifts and not just for Christmas. Maybe I can sell some of the items.
I do have lights, and lights that will not cost so much. Candles! They are called going to the local second hand store or dollar store and buying some very cheap votives. Turn off all the lights...you have a warm glow of home. You have light.
More items found and guess what, you may be able to create other items, that will eventually give back a little something. If not in monetary importance, the importance of giving this to someone who is having a hard time like you. You too can cheer a person up and give hope.

So yep, I'm poor, live in a very old trailer needing repairs, typing on a computer that is not mine, on the very edge up giving up and just leaving and living in the car. But I think about it and for another few days I will realize how very blessed I am right now. I can reduce thinking about how I am going to pay those collectors, I want them paid, but I can't bleed money. Taking the time to do something crafty, artsy, or plain imaginative lumps of whatever, I can decrease my stress even for a little bit. It'll give me hope and happiness no matter how small. It might be a gift, it might be worth a few dollars and it will give me a purpose. The stress will be somewhat relieved. Best of all, I am not fixating on what I do not have! The under-dogging has decreased and actually much improvement, no matter how small, will start shining through.

Please don't let the holidays get to you this year my friends. Lets make a new start and challenge ourselves. Society may see us as "spent" but we don't have to obligate to change our name to Jones. Those of us who have had everything taken leaving us feeling demoralized and in shock have to start over. This means learning. We may be learning over, but lets try to learn right and be a support to each other. Those of you who get A's please tutor those of us receiving lower! Lets not fall prey to egocentrism yet celebrate survival.

12 more days to get this stuff done. Count down has began. We will survive!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Did I say I liked Christmas?!!

2010-12-06T03:11:00.000-09:00

Well, so far in the past few days, I have accomplished a great deal. I'm happy I am actually doing something. Now I am so tired I wonder if I really said the words, "I like Christmas, it's always been my favorite."

What I haven't done:

No Christmas decorations. No biggie.
Still have to buy more of those things called Christmas cards.
Slept much, but like I really do that well anyway.

What I have done since last blog:

Designed, cut out, and have prepared a pair of beaded smoked moose hide slippers. Now to bead.
Picked out material for a dress shirt, it was cotton so washed, dried, and ironed ready to be cut.
Picked out material for a fleece jacket to make. Thank-god it doesn't have to be ironed.
Found much of my materials, some I had forgotten I actually had.
Gathered all my husbands shirts and gave them to my son.

Not bad, could be worse. Oh and I found Mr. Snowman. You plug him in and he sings Frosty the snow man and moves his head, waves his arms, and you flip a switch, and he just stays happy, well lit, and quiet. Now this is a man I could share my home with this year!

I also had the honor of helping my daughter with her wedding website. And dealt with the drama's that start at 7:00 am and last til I shut off my phone at 11:00 so I can get some work done! Oh and I cleaned the bathroom and did two loads of laundry. Going through and getting rid of even more!! Putting them in bags and maybe someone having a yard sale will take them!

Now, if I could just find the money to pay my bills, medications, rent, all that, I think it may be okay for a bit!
Lets see what the next few days bring. The drama is really dragging me down to a low. But I am having a better time of dealing with it! December 6th, I wonder if I'll make it without breaking down?

Hope everyone else is doing a little better too. I thought I didn't do much, but seems I did more than I thought! I guess it can be done. Just when is the sad, lonely and disappointment going to set in?

Surviving The Holiday

2010-12-02T13:15:00.000-09:00

Surviving the holidays has been a challenge for me. Christmas was my favorite holiday. It still is, but I have no one to celebrate with. So I haven't been decorating. Maybe this is the problem.

Reasons I like to decorate:

Its my favorite holiday
The lights make me feel happy
The trees smell good and makes me happy

So why would I stop taking part in something that gave me so much joy? It was my husbands favorite holiday too. Maybe I am feeling guilty that I am here and he is not? I suppose questions could be posed until the cows come home, and there probably isn't an answer to any.

This year, I will decorate. I'm also making some gifts. I haven't even picked up my art or any hobbies, all the things that gave me joy, since his death. Its time to stop this nonsense.

I wonder sometimes if other widows/widowers go through this same situation? Is the joy gone for others?

As I said, I name my "void." This year the void will be subjected to Christmas decorations. The Void will be subjected to the sewing machine, beading, and homemade cookies. Even if I have to eat them myself.

Anyone else want to make some cookies too? Lets do this! All of us who have had the joy knocked out of us, lets celebrate this year. Make a star and hang it. Plug in a set of lights. Burn a Christmas candle! Let's all have a beautiful Christmas even if we are alone. It can be done!

I'm going to make it a point to write more this month because I have been avoiding "the" holiday. Every time I make something or do something Christmas I'm going to write about it. Seems silly, but this alone is a large accomplishment. There, I've put it in my blog that's public. So now I must follow through!

Three Years Today

2010-11-30T21:34:00.000-09:00

Three years ago today. Yes this very day. Why on earth do I continue to dwell on this day. The children have all decided to celebrate his birthdate. That was this same month. Maybe its time I focused on happier memories instead of dwelling on the actual day.

I reflect today and see a few accomplishments, but also see that I've either held myself back, or timing hasn't been right to move on. Sometimes situations we have no control over, but I keep trying.

As with anyone else, we must continue to try to continue on the best we can.

Yes, I can see where a birthday remembrance is far more positive than a passing on date. He fought for life, not death.

Next year, it will be a birthday and sweet memories instead of the sadness.

The Void

2010-11-28T21:26:00.001-09:00

I find myself sometimes lost and not posting. This is not a positive issue. I started this blog to share my experiences, good, bad, embarrassing, humiliating, and the infamous epiphany thoughts in order to be an inspiration to others. To also just let others know, you are not alone.

So today, I sit and write. I've been going through many items again. After-all I have a home that at one time had a family of five. All have moved and I am with myself.

Years ago my husband once asked me, what am I to do with all this stuff. I responded with, "Throw it out, take it to the dump, quick before anyone notices." I came home and it was all gone. So happy I was.

Two weeks ago I had to climb into the roof space to see what all was going on and look for a leak. To my surprise, boxes, not just boxes but bags, boxes, computers, printers, tv's, oh the list goes on. All those things I thought were gone...my husband tucked safely in the roof. It brought a huge smile to my face.

Of course, I am overwhelmed, but it made me realize how much he treasured us as a family. He didn't have the heart to dump it.

So I sat there, tearing up, and thinking, will I ever find someone like you again. The answer is: no. Not ever. We had something special. I cherish this.

Maybe one day someone may come along and sweep me off my feet, but it will never be my husband. Its sad, but not really. Such a special man. Why would I want to replace that? The pain was so bad, I honestly tried to play denial.

So now I name this. The Void. The void I feel should be filled with me and the vitality it takes to go on a new journey in life. Time to turn the page of an unfinished book. He always encouraged me. Sure, I feel lonely, sad, and yes a huge void. This void must be recognized and used effectively, otherwise it controls me. The void will forever suppress what I was meant to do in my life. Any chance for happiness will be trampled by my self inflicted demise. This void is meant to be filled and I have to choose to become a whole person again.

I've come to realize, I've been in panic mode. Four years of panic mode and fear of taking a step into life. His illness was intense and for an entire year. Waiting each day for this void to disappear or miraculously dissipate is not going to work. Its my void. For me, I believe it doesn't necessarily get better. However, we have the ability to begin accepting what has happened. We have the opportunity to make adjustments, baby steps at a time, each step is a gigantic leap to healing.

Quite frankly, I hold him dear like any of us experiencing a loss agonize what do I do now? This month, in two days, will be the third year of his passing. I reflect back and realize, he was so special. We were so meant to be together. He left early. Why he was taken so early--this is a question I do not ask because I honestly believe there will never be an answer.

It is the void I must focus on.

So many misguided choices I have made. At one time I thought filling the void with someone else would make the pain go away. This simply is not true. The memories are too dear to ban for life. No, the void needs to be filled with memories and the ability to appreciate and respect myself.

It is time now to take my void and fill it with love. I will not lose anything by this. It was a weakness and I made many bad choices. It's alright. It happens. Now I remind myself my void will no be a negative part of mourning, no longer rule my life and be negative. Instead my void will be my strength. My conviction to discover what destiny lies ahead. To learn, to grow, to have sweet memories, and to modify allowing much needed change.

With little steps at a time, and constant reminding, my void will be my best friend. :)

Growing Up is Hard to Do

2010-10-19T23:46:00.003-08:00

Who would ever imagine when we are all grown, have children who have grown and moved, that we ourselves would have to learn to grow-up?

When I lost my husband I actually lost half of myself. Sure, I was incredibly independent, always have been. But reality strikes when you trod on to do what comes natural to some. Suddenly you find, you were dependent on your partner whether you realize it or not and just how much you were dependent. When he's gone, half of you is missing. Sad but good at the same time, he can never be replaced.

I finally ventured out and tried my footing at meeting men. Total tragedy. I am not "grown-up" enough for this. I feel like a fish out of water.

I had a few "dates" for coffee or lunch trying to get my footing. Then I started actually seeing someone.

After two years of seeing the same person, living together for a year, getting to know the family, feeling comfortable and then a sudden breakup, a very harsh one with some very mean hurtful humiliating things said...well it leaves one quite stunned. No in fact more than stunned. Emotionally traumatized is more like it.

Plus, what a way to break-up with a person. I mean honestly, one doesn't expect a romantic dinner served with Dom P'erignon, but a little bit of respect about it would be nice. Your brain starts scrambling as you try to be mature even though your heart is so broken its indescribable. Tears, of course, well up and you really have so many thoughts running through your mind that you say nothing at all. Speechless. Feeling very naked because you were sitting on the couch and it came out of the blue. Then you hear, "Oh stop it, tears won't work, your trying to lay a guilt trip on me and ruin all my dreams."

A gasping pain runs through the body again. Like you purposely teared up? Its a normal response of our body.

So you stand up to leave as gracefully as possible while everything around you is spinning out of control, and you hear: "but I still care for you and lets keep our friendship."

Well, okay, that seems like the mature thing to do since I've seen my kids date, break-up yet remain friends. But what happened just now, like, did I hear what I heard?

Yes, I think I did. So I came home. I looked around and I thought, my husband would NEVER have treated me this way even if he wanted a divorce. Or would he? Or did he? Did he ever do this to someone? Is this a guy thing?

I wonder how my kids ever survived dating. Two are married and one has a girlfriend. How do you deal with this. Is there something your supposed to do?

Okay, so "lets remain friends" enters the picture. You muster up enough strength to actually be mature about this and remain friends. Then after a long time your suddenly being "broke" up with again. When you really weren't, as far as you thought, "together" and were only friends. How does this happen...when the friendship is a take, take, take, and you give, give, give. When you have nothing of use to give...the break-up again.

Or, simply playing the grade school I like you today, I don't like you today. Point is when you are broke up that's it. That simple. You can only break up again, IF, you are going out together again. So something didn't sit well. I gotta learn how this all is supposed to work!

This is when it really hits. Friends DO NOT treat each other this way. I now believe "Toxic Personality" or "Emotional Vampires" really do exist. I refuse to be a victim and am now learning to turn this negative experience into a positive. Learning to read signs of take and give rather than take take take. When you pull away that person caters to your weakness to keep what they benefit going. Your lonely, have lost the one person in your life and you've been a wife and mother and this is all you know, so of course, you want to be loved, you want to care for another and unfortunately you want to be needed. Only to find that as soon as you, again, fall into the caring mode, because we do care about our friends, you are being dumped. Suddenly things are weird and when you are busy doing what you need to do... that person plays a guilt trip, or emotionally belittles you, you use all your willpower not to fall for it. You begin to feel you are being played.

Widows/widowers, this is when its time to take control. Be angry, its alright. Put your foot down. Stamp your feet and cry. It's alright. Do NOT put up with it. And most of all, don't be afraid to break off what appears a seemingly lovely friendship because constant one-sided taking is not friendship. Guilt trips to cause you to feel you really should stop your entire life to do the sole will of this person...that is not a friend. You are losing nothing by letting go. Don't feel as if you are losing someone again. Recognize that fear of "I've lost someone again" or "I don't want to lose someone again." Then embrace it tightly to your heart.

It is only the reality that you have already lost the one you loved coming back to hurt again. Perhaps its time allow yourself more time to grieve, deal with the past and recent trauma. Maybe recognize the possibility a "growing-up" portion is lacking in your life. After all we are having to start all over again.

Of course its lacking, because you have lost a complete half of yourself and you are no longer whole. Take your time to learn this. Never feel ashamed that you are not good enough. You are most definitely good enough, and you are beautiful because someone loved you for who you were. That was torn away and it takes a great deal of time to recover.

In your marriage, you were loved unconditionally. It took a long time of tolerance, give, take, acceptance, compromise and learning about each other to form such a bond. Some people never having gone through our situation could ever imagine what its like to lose someone after investing so much effort to make it right. Some individuals never even have a chance to create a good relationship.

Never ever allow this new "dating" type of trauma to bring you to a low. Yes, it happens and is part of life, but we are vulnerable. A little more so than others. We got comfortable with our relationship to those we lost. Getting mad is far better than going to that dark quiet "I don't want to see anyone, I'm so embarrassed and ashamed" place. You did nothing wrong. You didn't "cheat" on your deceased loved one. Your not a bad person. It's all part of relearning.

I hope this helps someone, and if any of you have experiences to share please do. Out of all the things I've had to do, this has been by far the hardest. It isn't like there are books written on it. Maybe we can help each other through experiences, in turn helping even others.

TIme to Move On...

2010-09-16T03:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things take a major turn in our lives.
On the previous blog, you can see how fast this can happen. Then its time to put the big girl panties on and keep on moving!

Today I just happened to run into one of my husbands friends. One who is going to arrange something special with all of Rob friends so they too can do what they need to do. Why you wonder did this take so long? Because it has taken me so long to accept I have to let go and move on. I feel bad its taken so long, but the thing about Rob, he had some good friends who knew him well. His friends gave me the time and space I needed to deal with this. It was very sweet of them and really reflects on how much he was loved and cared about.

So I found the perfect bottle Rob gave me. I collect cool looking bottles and especially fancy perfume bottles found where ever. Its been filled it with ashes for the friend that was his best man at our wedding and he will arrange everything. I don't know what they'll do, its a guy thing and their thing! This is their time not mine.

So even though things really seem real bad for me right now, its not so bad. I am moving forward, slowly, but still forward momentum. Getting ashes to his friends is a MAJOR step for me. It is also a very important event for them.

So forward momentum is good! It would be nice if it went faster, but its all good, the forward momentum is happening!

It definately takes time to adjust. It doesn't happen overnight. For some of us it takes longer than others. We all need to learn to go at our own pace. Never feel pressured to go at a pace you are uncomfortable with. Take your time to do what you need to do.

When Life Begins To Crumble

2010-09-13T00:23:00.000-08:00

It has certainly taken some time to face the blog.

     Funny how you are warned after your husband passes away to be careful and take it easy otherwise you will make yourself seriously ill. What is seriously ill? Does it mean you'll catch the flu easier? Does it mean your energy level can drain itself?

     What about the bills I have to pay? If I slow down and "take it easy" who is going to pay my bills? The rent, the electricity, medical, insurance, gas, food and much more. I had to resign from my job to take care of my husband. If I didn't, he would've been refused treatment because he needed a constant caretaker for his condition. I was not even allowed to pick up a part time job to help. What they don't take into consideration is the repercussions of very little to no income, what will happen to the wife after the husband passes on, and cancer--well its expensive even if you have help paying for it. Even with generous donations.

     So for two years I've been doing my very best to work as hard as I can to keep my head above the water enough that I could breath. I wanted to be strong. I wanted prove "no, its okay, I can do this, I've started over before, I can do it again." Positive attitude. Always trying to have a positive attitude and also make time to listen to others who are going through hard times too. Its a rough world out there. Of course I went through my negativity phase which is normal, but it has turned to a positive approach.

     Well, sadly enough, even with a positive attitude, I've become ill. Exactly how ill can a person get going through all the emotional trauma and trying to pay bills?

Gosh, where to start after two years of trying so hard to continue on?

     I've not been feeling well. I dropped weight and it was like I was wasting away. Fifty pounds right after Rob's death. I love to do manual labor, but it began to hurt and hurt very bad. I wsn't faking it, it really hurt. I knew I could no longer do the physical labor sometimes over eight hours a day five days a week.

     Then my hands hurt like crazy and had a carpal tunnel operation on both at the same time. I was fortunate the hospital saw me as "going through extreme hardship" and charity paid off a rather handsome bill. Still owe the other medical bills, but wow, what a generous show of caring.

     Unfortunately, my health continued to deteriorate rapidly. No rhyme or reason for it. Depression? Wanting sympathy? It's all in my head? When finally I was in so much pain and so weak, so incredibly frightened because I am by myself, and just could not go another step...being scared but having a positive attitude I went back to the doctor and said please look at me. Something is really wrong. Still smiling even with tears in my eyes. I was so frightened. Please God, I thought, please let someone notice something is wrong. Its not in my head, its not trying to get sympathy or people to feel sorry for me. Please someone care.

     I was so lucky to have found a doctor who listened. She didn't assume it was all in my head because I was a widow, didn't assume I was faking, but one who listened and saw exactly what was happening.

To make this very long story short, I've been diagnosed with a pretty serious illness. Then, of course, like a nincompoop, I tried to hide I was very ill. I live in a small community. People whether you think they notice or not, they notice no matter how positive you are.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disorder and am having to take low doses of a chemotherapy drug once a week. I'm tired, scared, and wiped out, and sometimes just not my peppy self. My immune system is in a "fight or flight" response. It never stopped fighting because its been one traumatic and extremely stressful fight after another since before Rob passed on. I've been fighting so long just to survive that it is now attacking every part of my body, organs, muscles, joints, you name it. It isn't good, but I still have great hope that I will overcome this getting it into remission, it'll just take some time, lifestyle adjustments and change in employment. Heck, isn't that what this blog is all about anyway? Being independent, starting over, changing one's lifestyle?

I haven't told anyone and kept saying "Oh gosh ya know that flu just keeps coming back and I can't seem to get rid of it." I feel ashamed I am ill. I feel it shows weakness. I felt it reflected I couldn't handle things on my own. I didn't want anyone to know and have been hiding it. I didn't want anyone to think I was trying to get folks to feel sorry for me. So naturally, since no one knew, I've been making the condition worse by piling on more stress trying to do everything myself.

Why be ashamed that I am ill? I've always been the one to take care of everyone else. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. Who cares or wants to hear about it?

This simply is not true. Some good people in the world do exist. I need to learn how to accept help as much as I am there to help others.

How can people care or offer their support when they don't know.

Why suddenly come out in the open? Because I do need support. This past week showed me that I'd better do some quick changing and stop hiding. I had several serious incidents happen that put me to my knees. Also my dog, my beautiful Brycie boy passed away, the only friend I had left since all my children are moved away, and several other things happened all at once in one week. It sent me to my knees and practically immobilized me.

I do have a plan which I will get into another time. However right now, I need to learn how to accept support and help from others. I'm frightened, don't know how I'm going to pay my bills, and I have to make some major changes in order to get better and continue being a productive individual.

The wonderful element of all this, I know I can do this. I know I can be positive and continue on. Sometimes doors have to close so new doors can open to make your life better. Its a new challenge in life and I will face it.

Ladies/gentlemen, who are beginning over again due to loss, heed this warning. Don't do this to yourselves. It will only get worse. Indeed you can make yourself very very ill. Don't be afraid or ashamed to accept friendships and help.

Unfinished Business

2010-06-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

Oh that dreaded unfinished business we all have. Where to start.

Beads they are some of my unfinished business. I have so many beads I think I could decorate the town. I do beautiful beadwork and haven't since Robs illness. Beading has always been a positive outlet for me. It allows me to express myself. Time to break out the beads and get them all organized again.

While snooping around my disheveled home to gather up all sources of beads, I found a worn leather necklace with two very distinctive old cobalt blue beads on it. This finding sent me into a whirl of memories and the gut wrenching pain of some unfinished business I needed to deal with. What I held in my hand was Robs Carvers beads. Oh how that brings back memories. The one thing Rob did finish and his reward was two very special beads. They have such spiritual, family, honor, and community inter-connectivity. I couldn't begin to write the symbolic meaning of the carvers beads. At first the tears flowed, but then I had to giggle because Rob was notorious for unfinished business. More so than I. But look at this, he left me proof that he does finish some business and I too must finish some business.

The disastrous day came when I had to ask him, "Rob, you want cremated, but what do you want me to do with your ashes?" It was the hardest question I have ever asked in my life. This was admitting his journey here was ending and would be picking up elsewhere without me.

His response, which did not surprise me, was, "I don't know honey, its ashes what would I care? What do you think?"

What do I think? WHAT DO I THINK? I think I'm living in a dream and wish I would wake up from it and everything is going to be alright.

I waited a few days and asked again, "Rob what am I going to do with your ashes? Would you like to help me pick out an urn?"

He sat up and said, "What ever you do, do NOT spread me at sea. I like that urn wanna share it?" He went on to explain to me that the worse way to die would be to drown in the ocean living in the darkness forever. He'd thought about that every time he went fishing. I asked him what I should say to his friends who love him? I explained his friends need to be able to mourn his death also. Then he said, "My friends can take care of themselves, it's you I'm worried about, when its time you will know what to do. No spreading me at sea." That was his final words on this matter.

So I have Rob's ashes. I can't count the times that I had someone come up to me and said the chilling words of, "Hey I'd really like to visit Rob where do I go?" and I have to say..."well, he's still at home with me." The next year the same question only with a "I want to go visit Rob have you given him a place yet?" He's still at home. I was feeling so pressured and like I was doing something wrong keeping his ashes and urn here until I knew what Rob would want.

Awhile back I checked into one place here and although nice, I just can't bring myself to put his ashes in there. I consulted with his clan relatives and they gave me some very thoughtful ideas. Now I feel its time I can do this. So I been working on that today.

Given time, I now accept there is no shame in keeping Robs urn with me. No one has the right to tell me otherwise. We will share the urn. But the some of his ashes will be taken care of differently. Its taken me awhile, but his friends who knew him would understand and agree. Its a sad day, but a good day all the same.

Meanwhile, I gather my beads together and begin the long process of sorting and organizing.

This means going through boxes of memories. Sweet memories. It hurts because I miss him so much, but I now understand although his journey is without me, and I am on a journey without him, our bond only grows stronger. Its a nice feeling.

A Blast to the Recent Past

2010-05-26T02:56:00.004-08:00

Check out this 5 foot 3 inches hunk of a man. Meet my husband Rob Klanott. He is with our 165 pound Newfie. Okay so back then it was 60 pounds of pup. We had good times and bad times. Three children all grown and moved away now. This picture was taken 3 years before our illness.

Robert, who has always been the strongest healthiest man I know, began suffering from odd bruising. Being stubborn he refused to go to the doctor. Not but two weeks later, he brought one small bag of groceries into the house, collapsed in his chair and didn't wake up til the next afternoon. He also complained of a headache and no energy. ZAP he said, its gone.

He was flown to a specialist who gave the diagnosis of Leukemia type 7. This was on September 30, 2006.

I stayed by his side everyday. I resigned from my job because he was going to have to go through a stem cell transplant. This meant a great deal of time away. An uncertain amount of time. I was working at the Elks Lodge as a bartender. They were actually very supportive to my situation. In no way could they hold a position open for a year, and in no way would I go back to a job and tell the person who had to take my place that long, "See, ya I'm back"

We had an apartment. We had a young lady staying here in our home to take care of our babies (pets) Even though we had an apartment, when he was in the hospital I stayed in the hospital with him. It was a very stressful situation. We were in Seattle a very long time in and out of the hospitals. I am often told I was strong to do this. Don't know if that's true, I was scared, the prognosis was not good, and I wanted him to know I loved him and will be there for him.

Staying in a hospital is often humorous and frustrating. I'll never forget the time a young nurse came in. We were in his tiny hospital bed while he was receiving chemo drips. He wanted me close and to be held. We'd pray as that poison went in. We were going to do this together. Poor man was so sick and weak. But it really lifted our spirits that a nurse 1/2 our age needed to talk about sexual conduct policies of the hospital. Bless her heart. That was the last thing on our mind. As weak as he was he laughed so hard. What a wonderful sense of humor he had! At first I was insulted then found it pretty humorous too.

Jan 3, 2007 was the day we began the long journey of stem cell transplant. Many many complications. He fought so hard.

June of 2007 a doctor we did not really know just walked in and said, "Your tests are back. You've become refractory and there is nothing more to do. Your going to die."

God to this day those heartless words of "your going to die" echo in my mind.

This was it. Just like that.

We were asked if we wanted to know how long he had. Rob looked at me, and I looked at him and said, "It's up to you. My opinion is that know he doesn't have the right to tell you when you will die. How could he know" Rob declined and said "Just let me go home. Now." Unfortunately I was cornered outside his room and the doctor really wanted to tell me how long. I literally had to say, "Get out of my face, it is out of our hands now. Leave me alone" Hence it was reported in the medical notes to the doctors up here that "his wife is in an aggressive stage." I laughed when I read that and so did Rob. Deep inside that really pissed me off. What right do they have?

So he wanted to come home and see what he could while he could. He did not want to be hospitalized. He didn't want any other nurses coming into the home. He trusted me, and he was scared to death of the germs. This was challenging to say the least and ended up with me having to retain a lawyer to help me gain his rights while he was still coherent. It was quite a stressful fight.

We had no insurance except his Native health care. The situation went too fast for SSI and Medicaid to kick in. I had to retain a lawyer to help me with that, accounts etc. We had to liquidate everything. Had it down to the only thing we had was our home. Hey! At least we have a home. Basically it was a bureaucratic struggle where everyone was trying to do what they believed was right for him, yet he wanted certain things. We finally found a happy medium he could feel good about.

We enjoyed life as best as we could. He would go in and out of dementia, but that is part of the disease.

In November of 2007 it was obvious he was close. He told me he wanted to at least make it to his birthday. He made it to November 16. We had a small party for him. After that it continued to get worse and worse.
He didn't want any visitors as he didn't want anyone to remember him in his weakened, highly bruised and just bones condition.

On November 30th, he reached up and touched the chimes his granddaughter gave him. He loved those chimes. He said "angels" and yelled out all the kids names. I went to him and with one look knew he wanted to go. It was time. Oh gosh. What do I do? I gotta be strong for him. I cannot even write this without weeping. Instinctively, I held him in my arms. "Water" he said, he wanted water but was too weak to drink it. I started crying and held him and I said, "Rob I love you, if its time for you to go, you need to go. I'll be fine. You know me. I'll miss you because I love you more than I can say. I understand though. Thank-you for being strong for me. I love you." He smiled and whispered, "I love you" and died in my arms. He was pronounced dead at 3:00 in the afternoon.

The whirlwind right after this was traumatizing not to mention my husband had just died in my arms. I went into autopilot. I told him I'd be strong. A friend came by and asked me if I needed anything. I asked for a bottle of Chianti. I am not a drinker. But just wanted a bottle right then. I was asked if I wanted to go stay at a friends house, but no, I knew he wanted me here. Neither of us had any family here besides our children, whom I told do what you need to do for your grief, don't feel obligated to sit here with me.

They left and stayed elsewhere. Where they were with friends and thank-god comforted.

This is not an easy experience to talk about. SO much happened so quick. I had one friend sat with me off and on. Another of his friends came by and gave me some support. My friend took us down the next day to say goodbye before they flew him out to be cremated.

This was the beginning of my "widowhood"

I knew life would change, I had no funds, I was alone, and god I was scared. So very very frightened.

Where To Start, What To Do?

2010-05-25T02:12:00.001-08:00

The most horrible question we have to ask of ourselves.

With time more of my experiences will be written, but this first post let's start with the present.

Presently, I am trying to recover my individuality that somehow disappeared.

Where did it go? Oh, right, I became a widow.

So now I am trying to wander away from the "widow" stigma bestowed upon me daily. Not easy to do when we are reminded, in some way, daily, no matter how many years its been. This stigma follows those who get remarried. It is difficult to start over.

So, I've decided not to start over, but enhance my individuality by adding on to it. Right now I take great happiness in all accomplishments even if its just feeding my buddy Bryce the Newfie on time.

Three months ago I began changing my home around. Why is that such an accomplishment? Its a show of individuality. Its my home and I can do what I want. WOW....that's harsh. My husband passed away November 30th, 2007. It is now 2010. I haven't touched a thing since that day. That dreaded day. No company over because I didn't want any. I was ashamed at the disarray my home was in. I made myself practically recluse. Now I have friends coming over again slowly but surely. They come over to see my accomplishments at reviving my home. It feels good to have that support.

I was given so many help books, grieving books, etc, but was pretty much left by myself to deal with all I needed to deal with. The books were thoughtful. But I found I don't really fit in the "Widow" mold and how to deal with it. Hmmm. Maybe because we are not all the same.

How many have received such info from friends who mean well. You call because you just want to talk and you hear, "Have you tried reading that book I gave you?" and thats the end of the conversation?
I'm not criticizing the books, they do help and comfort many individuals. If this was the case for you how about listing some and letting us know how they helped?

A friend suggested grief counseling. It probably would have helped, but funds were tight so I went to work a week after his passing. I could no way afford grief counseling.

Starting this blog I'm hoping that expressing my perspective might help myself and others. What is this being a widow or widower mean? I've been divorced, that hurt, and had my perfect husband lost to cancer, that really hurt. So one step at a time.

Look! I actually finished my first blog!

When you do something uniquely you, share it! Remember how good it feels to be human again and not just a "widow or widower."

By the way, I get lonely and I have a giant teddy bear I sleep with! Yep thats right. My aunt also sleeps with a stuffie and another person sleeps with her husbands clothes to keep his smell right there. Even though they will always be a part of our lives, we can still be individuals. Getting there is the hard part for some of us.

Hope you all have a lovely day. Pick one accomplishment and be proud of it. Share it with us! Its a good feeling!