Dawn

I've chosen to introduce another remarkable widow rather than talk about myself.  This woman is truly remarkable.  She was a caregiver for 20 years.  As we well know, that is a lot of work.  Not only this, she personifies her experience in a book.  A book that was a hope turned real.  "Widowhood 101" was created not only to communicate her experience, but also to assist other widows in our very situation.  More importantly, Dawn shows us that we can in fact reach for our wants and gain them.  This book was her need, her desire, her hope and her star in the sky.  Congratulations Dawn!

Dawn reached her goal and wrote a book about her first year as a widow while she was going through it.  She is just barely over her year mark.  Unlike so many books and "widow" programs out there seeking payment many of us do not have, Dawn has been generous giving it free to some groups.  I would like to recognize her on my blog.  As an E-Book she is only asking a mere 4.99 for her book.  I have been reading "Widowhood 101" and in fact almost completely finished.  With words alone I cannot impress on all of you what her book really says.  It is probably one of the better "widow" books I have ever come across.  It is written to connect with us not write at us.  We are all different.  Dawn is trying to inspire widows and widowers.  Thank-you Dawn for your generosity.

Meet Author Dawn Millen from Australia

Biography: 

Hello everyone, my name is Dawn and I have recently returned to writing after a break of many years due to nursing my husband and raising my family. I was widowed almost 18 months ago and now find I have the time to write again.
The book "Widowhood 101" was written during the first year and a half of widowhood and is just a few of the things I learned during this time. I hope it helps others along this journey.
The poetry in Random Rhyme is a collection of old and new poems and were written for both my own and they enjoyment of others.
I currently live with my dog on a large and untidy block of land in rural Australia. I have a busy life with my family and volunteer work with New South Wales State Emergency Service. I spend many hours writing each day with my dog curled up beside me too.
I look forward to hearing from my readers and thank you for giving me the chance to play a part in your life's journey as you are playing a part in mine. 

Regards Dawn

 "Widowhood 101" by Dawn Millen

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/158857

Just a Story

Christopher Ralph, given to public domain
by author, sourced from Wiki

Do you like stories?  I have a story that reflects me back to who I am and reminds me how much my husband knew who I was.  Sometimes reflections come from nowhere and usually there is a reason.

Many years ago I worked in a public place, in a small bar, in a small town and a predominant ethnic group of which I am not.  A man came into the small bar, of the same ethnicity but perceived by many as different and foreign as I.

What intrigues me is the scene prior to my stepping in.  As I did not witness the show.  So, to me it is but a story.  This man middle aged at that time, rather handsome, walked into the bar and had offered my female coworker, a necklace.  Story goes he told her he wanted a sexual favor and when denied, he asked for a free drink.  The place was in an uproar, many many very large men.  He was thrown out.  A fair maiden, rescued from the grips of an evil dragon.

My shift, I had no idea what took place.  Against all odds, against the might of many many large men, and into the mouth of name calling whipping his the pride of his ethnicity, walked up to me with a necklace in his hand. A simple necklace.  Old.  Having a hardened leather thong and a single large piece of turquoise,  The place started to go into an uproar once again to save the fair maiden from the evil dragon.  The fair maiden prior to me was yelling in chant and saying I better not serve him.  Beyond all confusion and mayhem I held up my hand and said, "Just let me listen."

He said I want no drink.  I need you to wear this.  The men started stirring.  He looked around nervously, but continued.  I said to him, "Why do you 'need' me to wear this?"

His story:  My brother.  For my brother, he was last seen in, we'll say Timbuktu a town just below, and he was traveling to see the state, but we lost contact in Timbuktu.  My brother always kept in touch with me and my parents.  I am here from a land far away.  When we were kids we found this stone and split it, he has the other piece.  He travels to businesses such as here.  If he comes in I want him to know I am looking for him.  He will see this and know and ask you."

I took the necklace from him and the crowd enraged.  He left.  I put the necklace on.  I felt I should for a brothers love.  What if his story is true?  After all, it was his story not mine.

I proceeded with my shift and catching the rocks as they flew at me.  Rocks such as "you're giving him a free drink after we leave."  No, apparently, that will not be an issue.  The fair maiden threw another stone, "He's going to hide outside and rape you when you are leaving."  No I don't fear that as you've drawn my attention to it.  A simple call to the wonderful officers, they'll turn their lights on as I get into my car.  No problems. Another stone, "He's a liar it isn't the right stone, he lies."  What does it matter, I did not receive a gift.

The final stone, "Then why are you wearing it, why did you do this?"  Ah, because I heard his story and felt compassion.  Silence.  The stones stopped and one person said, so..what is his story?  Why would you care you would not listen.

Finally an hour before closing, one man in particular sat, the entire night, would not leave and go with friends even.  Concern was the reason.  I told him the story.  He left.  He also was the one who started the pride whipping. I hope someday he remembers this.

I return home and my husband greets me.  He got a funny look on his face and said what is this?  I smiled and said a necklace and told him the story.  He hugged me and gave me a kiss.  He said that is why I love you.  All for a brother's love huh.  Yes.

The end.

Save My Soul

It has been far too long that I have revisited the process of my grieving soul.  Do I no longer grieve?  No, this is not the way it works.  Of late I have had so many thoughts, so many events and then new curiosities presented before me.

It seems my soul is seen to be unclean.  It is seen as sinful.  It is seen as needing saved.  If it is not a knock at the door, or a call on the phone, then its an invite for coffee. Quite frankly, I know my soul.  I have much to learn.  We all have much to learn.  Being that as it may, I am very much beginning to feel as if the idea "heretic" has raised its ugly head again.  Does this mean that my life, the choices I make, at my age, through my experiences, I am now a heretic? 

I have even been invited over for coffee and to my dismay, something "special" they wanted to read to me.  Of course a very heartfelt story about how a Man of God lost his daughter on Christmas Day two years ago, devoted his life, in the name of his daughter, to save 100,000 souls or more to enter the gates of heaven.  Then I hear repeat after me...I ___ now accept Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, into my heart...

I very politely smiled and said, NO.  Not because I do not believe in God, but because I do not accept the manner in which this is being done.  Also, note, to ask me first as to whether or not I am a Christian, would be the "Christian" thing to do, rather than assuming I am a heathen.  A heretic led into a life of evil and away from my Lord God's loving arms. 

Last year many thought the world would end December 12th because we'd all go under Martial Law.  Concentrations camps have risen up throughout our godless country to persecute those who do not believe the way the government wants them to.  Seems to me disturbed individuals are providing grossly incorrect information.  At least get the date right.  It will be solstice of this year.  I say this with a smile.  Why?

I am smiling seeing, although I have risen my tyrannical character then tamed her again and again, soon will come the day when my tyranny will burst through.  I thought, in all honesty, the emotional draining, the traumas, the need to continue enjoying life and the fact I have paid a high price in life, would truly be recognized.  I believe when I am ready I AM allowed to continue on about my life, the way I deem fit.  I do not wear black, nor do I smudge my body with ashes and starve myself to death.  By the way, this trully doesn't help with the grieving process.  But to be seen as a non-spiritual human who has no faith? 

Really and honestly.  Stop and think.  I am surviving because I have faith.  I trod on because I have faith.    This overwhelming evil versus good is intense and truly, I do not want that in my life.  Not only do I have no want nor desire for receiving undeserved accusations and assumptions to my spirituality,  but also, I have the right to continue on the path I, feel is the best for me.  We do not live in another person's shoes.  Only ours. 

I am beginning to wonder if a newly released "Canon Law" has been successfully redeemed with new updated interpretations? Is this all widows need to be saved?  Or just those of us who use profanity, or joke about cooking in cauldrons, or GASP start dating again?

 Sometimes we need help, but we certainly do not need to have utter bullshit shoved in our face.  I will no longer be polite and thoughtful of others feelings when they mean to do me direct negativity.  I have learned the most valuable lesson of all, that is the word..."NO."  No, this makes me uncomfortable.  No I prefer not to discuss this.  No, I do not want to drive you around.  No, I do not want to put cash in the pot to save and help buy rations for the second coming.  I feel like I have been going through one. 

I will always have an open mind.  I have always had one.  I will never lose my ability to hear two or three sides and see meaning to all but still make my own decision. 

Thank-you for allowing me to share this with you my public journal friend.  I will now start up my outdated broom and get on with my day warts intact.

Hanging in There...

Well, ya, its been awhile.  Pretty much just settling in and getting a routine down.  Look over the month of December and see what I learned and accomplished  Quite a bit.

Survived a major domestic crisis....check

Survived a major friend "let down/hurt" ending in loss of friendship and a sum I couldn't really afford.  In short I was invited to travel and spend holidays with a friend, and that friend after I made the arrangements and double check prior to, just to be sure, then did not contact me ever again so I did not go.  First clue-when I asked for an address I received a P.O. Box....check

Recognized a manipulative situation and actually followed through with my intuition ended up being a wise choice...check

 Followed through on a plan I really committed too...check

 Spent ALL holidays alone and managed quite well...check

I find that to be enough to be a years worth of progress!  So I'm just here patting my self on the back for handling it all so well.   Biggest lesson of all, trust my intuition.  Its not wacky or off-balance; it always has been and always will be there!

Lets Get Together

Appropriate.  Forget-me-nots

How often have you heard, "hey, we should get together, give me a call!"  and they walk off.  You realize you don't have their phone number and ask for it. You put it in your phone and actually give them a call only to hear nothing on the other end.  Nothing such as no one picks up or ever call you back when you leave a message.  I've also been invited to dinner to, "get me out of the house."  Okay I'll bite, so I call and you hear a familiar voice and so you say hello.  She asks, "who is this?"  I say my name and a response of, "Well so and so is not here I will give her the message."  At this point you realize the invitation was actually wasted breath for lack of anything else to say.  How many times do we fall for this?

The other one I like is, "Oh I am so glad to see you.  Its nice to see you out.  You look good.  We need to get together.  I'll give you a call."  You're polite and say, "Oh I would love that Thank-you."  but deep in your heart you know you will never hear from this person.  Guess what, you never hear from the person.

This is what I call setting a widow up for false sense of hope that others do care and the hope that someone won't mind our company.  Unfortunately, most of us only hear from these folks if there is something involved meaning taking up your entire day, or a laying of hands to heal you.

Gossip

Usually a time arrives, in our lives, when we realize saying whatever about others in a bad way has negative repercussions.  For some individuals, they never seem to advance to this stage in life.  They do not recognize the negativity coming from their lips hurts not only them, but those they speak of. 

The most amazing thing is when widows gossip about widows.  Yet then, why would I be surprised over such an event?  What you were before you became a widow (er) only lies dormant until you allow it to make its way to the surface.

Taking a Deep Breath...

Taking a step toward a goal may seem like such an easy event.  It really should be, but for some reason, I continually chickened out.  Just as I was ready to take that step, in fact always in mid-stride, I'd receive a bantering of "you can't do that" or "you'll never do it."  This reverberates harshly in your heart when heard from those in the professional field of assisting those like me to get back on their feet and gain self confidence once again.  It has been, well, it affected me because I was losing faith in myself and what I could do. 

No matter, this really shouldn't stop a person.  What we do not realize is when we are in the situation of having a spouse pass away, a great deal of our inner strength goes into hiding.  We lose our footing.  We're scared.  We often succumb to criticisms because we are on such unsteady ground physically and emotionally.  Every piece of our personality has been stunned into a shock displacing our once grounded reality.

Wake Up!

Such lucid dreams. I used to have such dreams. When my husband was ill I would dream lucidly that he was not. Rare very rare is it for me to have a dream where he is still alive and I wake up confused.

Such dreams have been hitting as waves and bashing me against the rocks in my little world that is like a tiny dory on the seas of life. What exactly is going on and why after so long would I begin to have such dreams?

Its so odd really, I am so so sad in the dream yet happy at the same time. I am looking at him through a window frame. He's laughing and being playful as usual and I am laughing back. I miss the playing. Young at heart we will always be. Its bright ever so bright. I know he's gone and I'm so very sad, yet there he is on the other side of the window waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and so...alive.


On the other side of me, another window I can look through. I can't make out all the people there, but whoever they are, they make me happy, but I want to look longer through the window with my husband. He's alive for a bit and I must connect while I can...and suddenly in the dream, that dream that has been waking me up confused for days in a row...I realize this is a dream.

I am able to take control and wake up. Wake up Robin, don't be sad when you do. I wake up and focus on the light I have trained myself to look for. Ah, there it is the light on the heater. I know I am home. Now I begin to understand.

Something new, I can feel it, something is turning the tide in the sea of life again. This time I have no fear and I have my oars. I guess we'll see where this tide change takes me this time. I won't question it, I'll go with it. Why not?

Happy Birthday

Dear Rob,

Today is your birthday, the one day we've never forgot.  I remember how hard you fought to keep alive to see your birthday, yet were so sick all we could do was a cheer with a protein smoothie.  That's alright because as you said, you were happy to make it to your birthday.  Your birthday is always so important now.

Are you wondering how I am doing?  I bet you are, you ALWAYS worried about me.  Loved me unconditionally and took care of me far more than I realized.  Funny how independent and hard headed I was yet you put up with it.   Well, let me tell you what I have been learning.  Maybe it will make you laugh and feel better.

What is Control?

Do any of us really have full and complete control over our lives.  Even those who are not going through the experiences we, "widows," endure daily?
I do wonder, and tonight I come to you with a few thoughts regarding this wonder.  When does one actually take control and how?

He's Gone Get Over It

This week has been phenomenally...weird.  Normally I would be emotional because its real close to that day.  You know the day I speak of.  It will be 4 years.  What brought all this up?

In my email from a psychic group was an article saying, "He's Gone Get Over It" At first I thought they meant old boyfriends.  As I read it said, widows, divorcee's...

Not just two years ago...maybe not even that, I would have been angry, burst into tears, you name it.  In fact knowing me I may have just written to the company and gave them a few choice words regarding the ignorance of a person who is supposed to be able to "see" into your life.

However, not this time.  Instead I found my self giggling.  What an incredibly rude and hurtful thing to say to a widow.  He's Gone Get Over It.  Who in their right mind would even think that we can just flip a damn switch and taaaa daaaa, all our pain is gone.

Well, it doesn't happen that way. 

Autopilot

Occasionally you wake up and just suddenly "get it."  You get what you have been trying to figure out, Now what?  After seeing my counselor, I suddenly realized...I've been on autopilot for several years now.  How do I turn the autopilot off?

Don't Tell Me What to Do.

Thinking back on annoying situations throughout this journey of being "widowed" but not really a "widow" has brought up some incredibly humorous and irritating situations.

Just yesterday I flashed back on a time I made a call to a free psychic.  Just wanted to see; curiosity you know.  The woman on the line didn't even ask my name and immediately spouted off: "You are being cheated on, she is evil, it is destroying your relationship...For 150.00 I can get rid of her without any serious repercussions."  Ohhhh really?  I was stunned and said, "Wow, I guess my deceased husband found a girlfriend."

Respect

Funny how we raise our daughters to be strong.  To say No means No.  Respect yourself.  What was that?

RESPECT

Hey how about learning respect for yourself as being yourself rather than focus on being a widow?

I will survive

 

One must take the time to question what happened. You especially feel this need when you feel so lost.  Reality is your life has been turned upside down, pulled out from under you, and for some of us, no way to support ourselves.   It affects us in different ways.  Some take vacations, some group with friends. Running to the water was my running toward answers I needed.  Where am I?

Being on ocean, feeling her moods, happy, sad, angry, or just content...this is my "Forest Gump" run.  Suddenly I see a little of myself reappear day by day.  Then the questions begin.  I  managed doing something that not many folks can do.  On spur of moment while ruthlessly working hard, a refreshing splash hits you and you realize, "I will survive"

Reality Sets In

So it seems reality begins to set in.  It happens to the best of us.  Unfortunately, reality is so hard to swallow.  Why would I be so lost in life?  A purpose for my being here must be around here somewhere.  I'm so tired of being alone.  Yet I have found myself not wanting to be near anyone.  People hurt.  They mean well, but always, I owe if they do something for me.  Or they want.  They get it and they are gone.  Stupid me.  So who can I trust?  Should I trust.  I'm thinking not.

The very disheartening fact is, I loved people, I loved being around them.  I loved visiting and listening to stories.  But now, for the last three years I've been told I talk too much, I lie, I am disliked, I am unworthy of working, I'm lazy, I'm old, I'm too white, I'm too fat, I'm too skinny, I'm stupid, etc.  It has made me realize I am absolutely of no worth anymore.  Is this what a widow is all about?  I am worthless and of no value anymore?  I am no longer a feeling and living human being who can be hurt?  Guess not.

Deep Reflections

The odd things one can learn while listening to the sound of silence.  When it really isn't silence at all, but a part of your inner-self finally channeling through.  The rumble of a jimmy and the impassioned thundering wave crash on the side of that wood boat miniaturizing your exalted being.  Dauntingly echoing she lives emotionally, she presents physically.  Evidence of her mighty presence witnessed with the sound of birds,  a stay-wire symphony and the wind blows its force through every crook and cranny.

It is a lull of spiritual solemness, yet not completely ascent.  Your senses suddenly leap into action.  You hear more, you see lucidly:  astonishingly you feel different.  Her raging anger, yet gentle caress, danger or love.   You smell every change including if she is providing feed to schools of fish.  Its truly amazing.  As you sit on the hatch just feeling her, the ocean, reflecting, thinking with all five senses that she has triggered.  Truly amazing and some comforting thoughts flood.  Deep reflections.

Red Sky At Night...

Red sky at night, sailors delight.  I know I've been gone for so long.  I have been fishing.  I have learned a great deal about myself.  Been through bumps, bruises, emotional upsets, emotional highs, and more than that, I learned so much not just about fishing, but, myself.  So the gamble didn't pay off financially, but most definitely paid off psychologically.

It was my opportunity to escape drama only to find myself wrapped up in another drama.  I learned you cannot run from this.  You cannot run and escape from being a widow either.  So I'm keeping this short and letting all know, sometimes, you have to find the strength to just keep going.  No matter what cause running gets you further behind.

I'll let all of you know some of my stories through life.  Some sad, some happy, and some funny.  This will be called "The Sea Gypsy Chronicles."  It will be posted on the side not a part of this part of my blog.  Sea Gypsy Chronicles will be stories that explain how I have been shaped throughout my life, prior to my husbands passing to now and my fishing stories.  Sometimes we can work out a lot of issues and impediments we meet in life by working out our experiences.

It is nice to be back folks.  Very nice.

No, yes, No, yes...what about me?

Have learned much in the last week my friends.  Patience, humor, the need to focus by finding my new focus, peace, and accepting I am doing all I can do.

Woke up this morning with individuals, including son, vying for my immediate attention, NOW.  I had plans to go through more things, and prepare my self for MY new journey.  When I tried to compromis, I was bomblasted with such negativity that...I ended up frozen not able to breath.

She calls for a reason, she feels the pain...

She feels my hurt, my sorrow, my pain.  So softly she calls, and I move her way.  Like a fury from where, she can call out your name.  With her gentle caress she can sooth your soul or suddenly disappear causing an end.  She is her own master, her strength is unknown, but rear her head and of those dispose.