These Are Days We'll Remember

Ally ally Rob runs free! 

Suddenly it happens.  You are hit with a two by four.  The very two by four you've been afraid to feel. The one that unexpectedly throws you off your feet.  An anticipated realization and decision that really feels real, that it is right and yes, indeed its very sane! 

You wait ever so long after the death of your spouse to suddenly one day feel such a sudden burst of warmth, that light of love that hits you in the face.  You weep quietly so as not to disturb.  Disturb What?   The joy that the one you love is free and its okay to be feel free even though it feels so wrong.  Sure you feel guilty because the person you were supposed to experience this with is gone.   It wasn't meant to be.  Its painful, it's your pain and won't go away, but it's okay.  It isn't your fault.  It feels like it, and you don't even realize it.  Its okay to embrace this burst of understanding even for the little time you may feel it.

How to Focus and Create a Flight Plan

Lovely, just when you want to build another reasonable plan to replace the one you wandered from and completely mucked up, your thinking disappears.  I don't know about you, but since becoming a widow, my focus is really out of touch.  Looking around frantically you try to find it.  Darn, you just can't do this without finding your thinking cap.

I don't know what got into me but I couldn't think.  Not coherent thought.  I sat here staring blankly at all the things to do and so many thoughts went through my head it was pretty near painful.  Not a good sign when your brain begins a melt down.

Free Bird

My daughter came into town along with my five year old precocious granddaughter.  What a lovely gift!  We were driving along discussing her uncle who I explained would show up later.  I told her, "He's a free bird, he'll land home soon."  She asked me, "Free bird Nana?  What is a free bird?" 

"Oh," I said, " Free bird is someone who just does their own thing and will come and go, but they love their family very much and will land when needed and where needed for whatever reason.."

Quiet.  I looked in the rear view mirror and bright hazels green eyes stared back at me through the mirror... "Nana, are you a free bird?"

"Why baby, do I seem like a free bird?"

"Nana, you should be free, it would make you happy."

What to do with a Death Certificate?

Strangest thing happened.  I finally had company over, pat me on the back its been a year, and we were playing yatzee.  By the way, I smoked them!

I needed something to write on so I grab a nice notebook leather bound given to me because it seems the best thing to write on.

We were laughing and having fun, and I thought suddenly, this notebook had dust all over it, what's in it?  For heavens sake I gotta dust.

I opened this nice leather bound notebook and staring me in the face was the original death certificate of my husband.

A Memory I can Face Now

This will obviously take far more than one post.  At least this is a start.  We all would love to be able to heal the person we love.  In fact we try so very hard to help in every way we can.  Meanwhile...

Nothing is more frightening than finding out your husband has a form of cancer that has a very low recovery rate.  Especially without a stem cell transplant.

The next frightening event and a close to beating your chest in absolute fright wanting to scream out loud pain,  is  the treatment.  After going through all the treatments for such a long time, fighting along side your husband, laying by his side in his bed while chemo is dripping in and holding him because not only are you frightened, so is he.  He needs your strength.  After all this, just to have the next wave of dilemma's hit you.

Oh Gawd...to watch someone you love go through such intense pain and illness and you can do nothing.  You are powerless when all through the relationship you were the one able to put the band-aid on the boo-boo and make everything better.  All you can do is hold them closely and tell them you are there and love them so much and Thank-you for being brave for me, it must be so very hard.