Hanging in There...

Well, ya, its been awhile.  Pretty much just settling in and getting a routine down.  Look over the month of December and see what I learned and accomplished  Quite a bit.

Survived a major domestic crisis....check

Survived a major friend "let down/hurt" ending in loss of friendship and a sum I couldn't really afford.  In short I was invited to travel and spend holidays with a friend, and that friend after I made the arrangements and double check prior to, just to be sure, then did not contact me ever again so I did not go.  First clue-when I asked for an address I received a P.O. Box....check

Recognized a manipulative situation and actually followed through with my intuition ended up being a wise choice...check

 Followed through on a plan I really committed too...check

 Spent ALL holidays alone and managed quite well...check

I find that to be enough to be a years worth of progress!  So I'm just here patting my self on the back for handling it all so well.   Biggest lesson of all, trust my intuition.  Its not wacky or off-balance; it always has been and always will be there!

Lets Get Together

Appropriate.  Forget-me-nots

How often have you heard, "hey, we should get together, give me a call!"  and they walk off.  You realize you don't have their phone number and ask for it. You put it in your phone and actually give them a call only to hear nothing on the other end.  Nothing such as no one picks up or ever call you back when you leave a message.  I've also been invited to dinner to, "get me out of the house."  Okay I'll bite, so I call and you hear a familiar voice and so you say hello.  She asks, "who is this?"  I say my name and a response of, "Well so and so is not here I will give her the message."  At this point you realize the invitation was actually wasted breath for lack of anything else to say.  How many times do we fall for this?

The other one I like is, "Oh I am so glad to see you.  Its nice to see you out.  You look good.  We need to get together.  I'll give you a call."  You're polite and say, "Oh I would love that Thank-you."  but deep in your heart you know you will never hear from this person.  Guess what, you never hear from the person.

This is what I call setting a widow up for false sense of hope that others do care and the hope that someone won't mind our company.  Unfortunately, most of us only hear from these folks if there is something involved meaning taking up your entire day, or a laying of hands to heal you.

Gossip

Usually a time arrives, in our lives, when we realize saying whatever about others in a bad way has negative repercussions.  For some individuals, they never seem to advance to this stage in life.  They do not recognize the negativity coming from their lips hurts not only them, but those they speak of. 

The most amazing thing is when widows gossip about widows.  Yet then, why would I be surprised over such an event?  What you were before you became a widow (er) only lies dormant until you allow it to make its way to the surface.

Taking a Deep Breath...

Taking a step toward a goal may seem like such an easy event.  It really should be, but for some reason, I continually chickened out.  Just as I was ready to take that step, in fact always in mid-stride, I'd receive a bantering of "you can't do that" or "you'll never do it."  This reverberates harshly in your heart when heard from those in the professional field of assisting those like me to get back on their feet and gain self confidence once again.  It has been, well, it affected me because I was losing faith in myself and what I could do. 

No matter, this really shouldn't stop a person.  What we do not realize is when we are in the situation of having a spouse pass away, a great deal of our inner strength goes into hiding.  We lose our footing.  We're scared.  We often succumb to criticisms because we are on such unsteady ground physically and emotionally.  Every piece of our personality has been stunned into a shock displacing our once grounded reality.

Wake Up!

Such lucid dreams. I used to have such dreams. When my husband was ill I would dream lucidly that he was not. Rare very rare is it for me to have a dream where he is still alive and I wake up confused.

Such dreams have been hitting as waves and bashing me against the rocks in my little world that is like a tiny dory on the seas of life. What exactly is going on and why after so long would I begin to have such dreams?

Its so odd really, I am so so sad in the dream yet happy at the same time. I am looking at him through a window frame. He's laughing and being playful as usual and I am laughing back. I miss the playing. Young at heart we will always be. Its bright ever so bright. I know he's gone and I'm so very sad, yet there he is on the other side of the window waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and so...alive.


On the other side of me, another window I can look through. I can't make out all the people there, but whoever they are, they make me happy, but I want to look longer through the window with my husband. He's alive for a bit and I must connect while I can...and suddenly in the dream, that dream that has been waking me up confused for days in a row...I realize this is a dream.

I am able to take control and wake up. Wake up Robin, don't be sad when you do. I wake up and focus on the light I have trained myself to look for. Ah, there it is the light on the heater. I know I am home. Now I begin to understand.

Something new, I can feel it, something is turning the tide in the sea of life again. This time I have no fear and I have my oars. I guess we'll see where this tide change takes me this time. I won't question it, I'll go with it. Why not?