Runaway Balloon

My goodness and so much can happen in so little time.

Suddenly you find yourself doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do.  Like stopping in the middle of something important and find yourself quite literally screaming, "Hey, wait a minute.  Stop, just STOP"  If you're not verbally yelling it, then your body language is. Boy Howdy, not only can you misread it, but so can others.  Energy is a funny being.

I have been trying to adjust to all the sudden waves of change.  In fact,  as rapidly as possible so I can do that thing called, "Move on."  Just like the rest of us.  But what is that?  How the hell can you move on when you are heedlessly spinning broadies in your daily life?  You can't.  So your body suddenly screams at you.  Do you hear me?  No, it wasn't a large enough hit.

Is it Black and White

Really you ask.  Black and white?  How about the gray, a humorous side to all this.  Yep my friends I would have to say yes.  Indeed a humorous side exists.

Have you ever noticed that black is a very death reflected color.  Why?  Why when I walk into a group, or look at pictures of grief, black is always indicated in some shape or form.  Whether it is the clothes bound to those in mourning or the binders of information for those who seek hope through groups?

Can women our age really start a new life?

The last time I wrote was the beginning of February.  With all the private and public contacts I received, it appears that us widows/widowers made it through the Christmas and New Years just fine.  It wasn't so bad was it!  We may not have been in the position to spend our entire non-fortune on those we love, but we were able to be creative.

It is the "creative" portion of this I would really like to address.  It seems we do all we can to survive by either holding each other up emotionally, or giving each other ideas for approaching our dilemma's.  One dilemma I had been running into head on is the age group in which I fit.  I am seen as "older" and not the young single fresh face to be an energetic representative of a place I  apply for.

Hmmmm.  However, I am single.  I am energetic, and I am resourceful, educated, and have experience in a variety of areas.  I may not be Marylyn Monroe gorgeous, but I don't think I am Lyle Lovett either.  So why suddenly am I too old to have an opportunity the same as any other female no matter the age?  Not to mention men, a majority of men, our age are seeking out much younger women.  Another story different time.  Still this quandary exist quite prominently.  What can I do so I am not stuck in situations that are mindless and boring tasks?

Seasons in Life

I watch out the window at the beautiful snowflakes falling ever so lightly and building up.  The entire ground is now white.  It feels clean and fresh.

So now it is time to reflect.  It is that time of year.  How far have I gotten to clean and start again just like seasons start and finish for the next season. What have I done to "clean" my own closet both physical and mentally.

The void, well, lets remember the void.  Now that I recognized it, slowly but surely, I have embraced it.  I now fill that void.  I do volunteer work, my artwork, and cleaning.   Taking out the old and bringing in the new is not so bad after all.

The shell, well by recognizing my void and embracing it, also it breaks down my shell slowly on a comfortable level.  The volunteering I love to do takes me into the world doing something I feel safe doing.  It also introduces me to new and very interesting individuals.  It challenges my brain and makes me feel more confident in myself.  This takes me into the world of applying for new jobs.  Jobs I can do just scared to get the rejection letter.  Sometimes it takes a lot of no's to get that one yes you wait for.  It's all a part of life.

All in all, with the extreme emotions of the last years, it's not so bad and I am allowing myself to see progress.  I try to allow the negatives to become the positives in my life.

The Shell

I hope we all survived the holidays.  It's a new year.  I will try to post at least once a week.  I'm going to bump it up!!  One thing I noticed this holiday is that I literally found the strength to crawl out of my shell and enjoy seeing people.

I have put up a very hardened large shell around myself.  No one could penetrate.  The one person who did, I didn't quite allow that shell to come off!  Which was a good thing because the little portion of it I did, the inside was hurt terribly.   My shell is my safety zone.  If I feel scared, hurt, afraid or insecure, I run back into the shell.  Funny thing about shells, I am now living like a hermit crab.  Hermit crabs are interesting creatures.  They move into larger shells as their bodies outgrow the old ones.  I have become a hermit crab!

I thought about it and what does one do with a shell when you finally figure out it exists.  If you remove that shell too forcefully, such as a king crab leg, you tear up what is inside and pieces of the shell splinter into the tasty meat. So remnants of that are not appealing.  I guess its going to take some time to deal with this shell.

I did get a little too excited about "coming" out and made quite the nuisance of myself by talking far too much to the wrong individuals and got my feelings hurt.  Ran back into the shell to re-think.  Of course I talked too much.  I haven't spoken to anyone for three years.  I've pretty much isolated myself so I wouldn't bother anyone.  Again, rethink this.  Over talking and exploding from years of silence, not a good thing.  Its like having to re-learn boundaries all over again. 

With my husband, I could say anything.  I was never criticized for how much I spoke or what I spoke about.  He was my best friend.  This is no longer the case. 

Now it's time for me to realize I am alone, and that is alright, and if I want to be with others, I need to learn some boundaries on visiting.  So I will take little dashes out of my shell at a time and then run back in.  Like playing tag.  This way I will not get too close and get hurt again, yet I am filling that need to socialize.  I was wounded by a past event leaving me crushed and having a major lack of confidence.  The floor was pulled out from under me.  Bad enough that it will take awhile to recover.  However, I am a strong woman, and I have no doubt I can learn to do "socializing" all over again!  Only this time, with boundaries!
Have a wonderful week everyone.