Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Shell

I hope we all survived the holidays.  It's a new year.  I will try to post at least once a week.  I'm going to bump it up!!  One thing I noticed this holiday is that I literally found the strength to crawl out of my shell and enjoy seeing people.

I have put up a very hardened large shell around myself.  No one could penetrate.  The one person who did, I didn't quite allow that shell to come off!  Which was a good thing because the little portion of it I did, the inside was hurt terribly.   My shell is my safety zone.  If I feel scared, hurt, afraid or insecure, I run back into the shell.  Funny thing about shells, I am now living like a hermit crab.  Hermit crabs are interesting creatures.  They move into larger shells as their bodies outgrow the old ones.  I have become a hermit crab!

I thought about it and what does one do with a shell when you finally figure out it exists.  If you remove that shell too forcefully, such as a king crab leg, you tear up what is inside and pieces of the shell splinter into the tasty meat. So remnants of that are not appealing.  I guess its going to take some time to deal with this shell.

I did get a little too excited about "coming" out and made quite the nuisance of myself by talking far too much to the wrong individuals and got my feelings hurt.  Ran back into the shell to re-think.  Of course I talked too much.  I haven't spoken to anyone for three years.  I've pretty much isolated myself so I wouldn't bother anyone.  Again, rethink this.  Over talking and exploding from years of silence, not a good thing.  Its like having to re-learn boundaries all over again. 

With my husband, I could say anything.  I was never criticized for how much I spoke or what I spoke about.  He was my best friend.  This is no longer the case. 

Now it's time for me to realize I am alone, and that is alright, and if I want to be with others, I need to learn some boundaries on visiting.  So I will take little dashes out of my shell at a time and then run back in.  Like playing tag.  This way I will not get too close and get hurt again, yet I am filling that need to socialize.  I was wounded by a past event leaving me crushed and having a major lack of confidence.  The floor was pulled out from under me.  Bad enough that it will take awhile to recover.  However, I am a strong woman, and I have no doubt I can learn to do "socializing" all over again!  Only this time, with boundaries!
Have a wonderful week everyone.