Sunday, May 29, 2011

Freud was not Female

So at this point in time folks are probably thinking...geez get off it already.  No I won't.  Today is my anniversary, which isn't really an anniversary anymore.  If that isn't enough to convince you, today is the day I always got to do what I wanted because I was appreciated and loved. 

Wonderful thing is that even though its my anniversary that isn't an anniversary anymore, it is still my today and I can do what I want with it!  Isn't it wonderful how that works!

So today this is what I did.  I built a small fire, since I have to burn a bunch of stuff anyway, and wrote on a note..."Damn that Freud" and put it in the fire!

Yes, amazing how much better I feel!  I now feel like working on my resume.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift

So much time spent on pondering.  Why?  Why the pondering.  Why the hesitations to take steps in life.  Why the comments from the peanut gallery regarding mental health merely cause it is known I am a widow?  Do you people honestly believe that all widows are unstable?  I then find more hesitation because every negative comment freezes your very soul.  You lose your inner being, you question your situation, and sadly, you begin to question happiness.

For the last week I've been going through things and now have more empty boxes.  I was doing so well.  However, I did too much, had some negative issues coming from"helpful" individuals, and went into a down spin.  To compliment my downward spiral, I checked my phone and decided to listen to the message.  I had completely refused to answer anyone.  Like I said;  I was in a down spin.

The first message said, "Your answering machine sounds depressing."  Ya, okay, so I changed my greeting.  I mean really, who wants to leave a message to a depressed degenerate?  Oh, in comes another message different person.  "Are you trying to sound like a party animal?  You need to change your message."  Sigh....I tried to make it sound happy and played my wedding song in the background, so again, I change it.  Again, I get a message from another totally different person, "Gee, your message sounds, uhm...a little too enthusiastic."

Okay, this crap stops here and now.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Ready, Set, Go!

All that I have been through, and my very being being raked over shards of glass...finally it's happened.  I ran into a situation, where the person tried to run me over glass again cause they saw my healing.  My personal power coming into being again.  This time I approached it wisely.  My old self. :)  
I couldn't be happier.  I guess enjoying the Wicked Tinkers, and Late Husband's growing up has affected me in a positive way.  I have been sticking to my goal, which I did write down and hang up to remind me, and it is really helping.  
The other event in my life is I joined up with a place called "Widowed Village."   I wish I had known about this place a few years back.  So please, check this place out.  Kind considerate and people like us to visit with.  Laughter and tears, and advice.  So beautiful.

You see the faerie and one of her wings are clipped.  Well, have hope my widowed friends.  My wings that were clipped so brutally by emotional vampirism, are actually healing.  I grow my wings as my husband matured this year.  Suddenly I realize, okay, lets grow them wings.  This was our plan, and there is no reason I can't continue with the plan I start so long ago with him.  I just have to wing it alone.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Socializing the Widow

Yep she's still on course.  It has been a long quietness on this blog I know.   Its been awhile since I've been around, but I've put my nose to the grindstone and faced the music.  Seriously.  Still very carefully following my plan, but also working on myself socially.  Seems odd we would have to face social issues that were once so easy to do.    It is so different and feels so different. 

For some reason I feel, sometimes, like a total social degenerate.  Why?  Never before has it bothered me.  Now, I just feel as if I don't fit in.  Worst thing is, I know it is me doing this to myself!  So what does one do when it feels wrong? 

Just Do It!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

These Are Days We'll Remember

Ally ally Rob runs free! 

Suddenly it happens.  You are hit with a two by four.  The very two by four you've been afraid to feel. The one that unexpectedly throws you off your feet.  An anticipated realization and decision that really feels real, that it is right and yes, indeed its very sane! 
You wait ever so long after the death of your spouse to suddenly one day feel such a sudden burst of warmth, that light of love that hits you in the face.  You weep quietly so as not to disturb.  Disturb What?   The joy that the one you love is free and its okay to be feel free even though it feels so wrong.  Sure you feel guilty because the person you were supposed to experience this with is gone.   It wasn't meant to be.  Its painful, it's your pain and won't go away, but it's okay.  It isn't your fault.  It feels like it, and you don't even realize it.  Its okay to embrace this burst of understanding even for the little time you may feel it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

How to Focus and Create a Flight Plan

Lovely, just when you want to build another reasonable plan to replace the one you wandered from and completely mucked up, your thinking disappears.  I don't know about you, but since becoming a widow, my focus is really out of touch.  Looking around frantically you try to find it.  Darn, you just can't do this without finding your thinking cap.

I don't know what got into me but I couldn't think.  Not coherent thought.  I sat here staring blankly at all the things to do and so many thoughts went through my head it was pretty near painful.  Not a good sign when your brain begins a melt down.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Free Bird

My daughter came into town along with my five year old precocious granddaughter.  What a lovely gift!  We were driving along discussing her uncle who I explained would show up later.  I told her, "He's a free bird, he'll land home soon."  She asked me, "Free bird Nana?  What is a free bird?" 

"Oh," I said, " Free bird is someone who just does their own thing and will come and go, but they love their family very much and will land when needed and where needed for whatever reason.."

Quiet.  I looked in the rear view mirror and bright hazels green eyes stared back at me through the mirror... "Nana, are you a free bird?"

"Why baby, do I seem like a free bird?"

"Nana, you should be free, it would make you happy."

Friday, May 6, 2011

What to do with a Death Certificate?

Strangest thing happened.  I finally had company over, pat me on the back its been a year, and we were playing yatzee.  By the way, I smoked them!

I needed something to write on so I grab a nice notebook leather bound given to me because it seems the best thing to write on.

We were laughing and having fun, and I thought suddenly, this notebook had dust all over it, what's in it?  For heavens sake I gotta dust.

I opened this nice leather bound notebook and staring me in the face was the original death certificate of my husband.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Memory I can Face Now

This will obviously take far more than one post.  At least this is a start.  We all would love to be able to heal the person we love.  In fact we try so very hard to help in every way we can.  Meanwhile...

Nothing is more frightening than finding out your husband has a form of cancer that has a very low recovery rate.  Especially without a stem cell transplant.

The next frightening event and a close to beating your chest in absolute fright wanting to scream out loud pain,  is  the treatment.  After going through all the treatments for such a long time, fighting along side your husband, laying by his side in his bed while chemo is dripping in and holding him because not only are you frightened, so is he.  He needs your strength.  After all this, just to have the next wave of dilemma's hit you.

Oh watch someone you love go through such intense pain and illness and you can do nothing.  You are powerless when all through the relationship you were the one able to put the band-aid on the boo-boo and make everything better.  All you can do is hold them closely and tell them you are there and love them so much and Thank-you for being brave for me, it must be so very hard.  

Monday, May 2, 2011

We Got That Boom Boom Pow

Who said mature women, who are widows, couldn't have fun?  I beg to differ.  "We got that boom boom pow.  Them chickens jackin our style." 

Ya don't underestimate us mature women.  We'll boom boom pow you off the floor if we want.  "We so 3008 and you so 2000 and late."  We have how many years experience on ya? 

Needless to say, I've been laid up on the couch and can't move.  Its been about three days.  Moving slow now and at least could bend over to pick up the laundry to wash it!   But we won't mention that will we!  My Chiropractor thinks I'm a nut case.  He mentioned something about he's never seen so many vertebra out of line.  Asked me if it was worth it.  I replied, "Ya doc I got that Boom Boom [crack] OW."