Thursday, August 25, 2011

Reality Sets In

So it seems reality begins to set in.  It happens to the best of us.  Unfortunately, reality is so hard to swallow.  Why would I be so lost in life?  A purpose for my being here must be around here somewhere.  I'm so tired of being alone.  Yet I have found myself not wanting to be near anyone.  People hurt.  They mean well, but always, I owe if they do something for me.  Or they want.  They get it and they are gone.  Stupid me.  So who can I trust?  Should I trust.  I'm thinking not.

The very disheartening fact is, I loved people, I loved being around them.  I loved visiting and listening to stories.  But now, for the last three years I've been told I talk too much, I lie, I am disliked, I am unworthy of working, I'm lazy, I'm old, I'm too white, I'm too fat, I'm too skinny, I'm stupid, etc.  It has made me realize I am absolutely of no worth anymore.  Is this what a widow is all about?  I am worthless and of no value anymore?  I am no longer a feeling and living human being who can be hurt?  Guess not.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Deep Reflections

The odd things one can learn while listening to the sound of silence.  When it really isn't silence at all, but a part of your inner-self finally channeling through.  The rumble of a jimmy and the impassioned thundering wave crash on the side of that wood boat miniaturizing your exalted being.  Dauntingly echoing she lives emotionally, she presents physically.  Evidence of her mighty presence witnessed with the sound of birds,  a stay-wire symphony and the wind blows its force through every crook and cranny.

It is a lull of spiritual solemness, yet not completely ascent.  Your senses suddenly leap into action.  You hear more, you see lucidly:  astonishingly you feel different.  Her raging anger, yet gentle caress, danger or love.   You smell every change including if she is providing feed to schools of fish.  Its truly amazing.  As you sit on the hatch just feeling her, the ocean, reflecting, thinking with all five senses that she has triggered.  Truly amazing and some comforting thoughts flood.  Deep reflections.