Thursday, August 25, 2011

Reality Sets In

So it seems reality begins to set in.  It happens to the best of us.  Unfortunately, reality is so hard to swallow.  Why would I be so lost in life?  A purpose for my being here must be around here somewhere.  I'm so tired of being alone.  Yet I have found myself not wanting to be near anyone.  People hurt.  They mean well, but always, I owe if they do something for me.  Or they want.  They get it and they are gone.  Stupid me.  So who can I trust?  Should I trust.  I'm thinking not.

The very disheartening fact is, I loved people, I loved being around them.  I loved visiting and listening to stories.  But now, for the last three years I've been told I talk too much, I lie, I am disliked, I am unworthy of working, I'm lazy, I'm old, I'm too white, I'm too fat, I'm too skinny, I'm stupid, etc.  It has made me realize I am absolutely of no worth anymore.  Is this what a widow is all about?  I am worthless and of no value anymore?  I am no longer a feeling and living human being who can be hurt?  Guess not.
 The gross reality is that I am hurt, I have had a very rough go in this life.  The comments to belittle me are mere emotional abuse. 

So the reality:
Verbal abuse is painful.  Especially in my situation.  I recognize verbal abuse.  Why am I putting up with it?

Is this all I know?  Is this all I am surrounded by?  Do I inside believe I am not worthy to be appreciated for who I am?

It is a sad day when you realize that all you have received, rather than understanding and patience, painful demeaning and damaging verbal abuse.  

Ironically, if you express your feelings and cry out for help because you don't want to feel like this anymore, you become nothing more than a drama queen looking for attention.  A widow feeling sorry for herself.

Let's put "widow" aside.  Wow.  Here I am.  So am I treated any different?  Would I be treated different?  I don't know because I have not been able to catch my breath to find out if I am worthy enough to be treated with respect.

I think the final straw for me was the comment, "Take your pills and just shut up and quit whining all the time"

So, I'm a better person if I am drugged and can't say anything at all?  Isn't that the same as death?  Why not just tell me to die?  Its the same.

I want to live.  I want to know who I am.  I don't like this path I'm having to travel right now, but I've had worse.  Something is out there and meant for me to find it, or it find me.  I don't think I am the one that should be dissappearing or drugging myself to the point of being non-verbal.  No.  This is not the answer.   The answer is:  keep going and stay away from those raining a monsoon of emotional pain.  I'd rather be alone than to feel the way I've been feeling.  Due to what?  Who know what the purpose is of making someone feel so down on themself. 

However i am responsible for me.  Only I can put a stop to this.

1 comment:

  1. I can't believe that people can say such hurtful things to you. Have you ever read the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud? It's a great book on setting boundaries in every area of our life.

    I honestly believe no one understands the magnitude of grief that grips people who have lost a loving spouse. But that sure doesn't give them the right to judge and degrade. I have found, since becoming a widow, that I'm a lot better off spending time alone most of the time and only exposing myself to others when I want.....not when THEY want.

    Please don't allow this to fester, you will become bitter and eventually grow to hate those who continually hurt you. This is a terrible place to be and it's just not worth our effort. You were loved before and you will be again...sounds like you're in the wrong place at the wrong time.

    Big hugs!



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