Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Deep Reflections

The odd things one can learn while listening to the sound of silence.  When it really isn't silence at all, but a part of your inner-self finally channeling through.  The rumble of a jimmy and the impassioned thundering wave crash on the side of that wood boat miniaturizing your exalted being.  Dauntingly echoing she lives emotionally, she presents physically.  Evidence of her mighty presence witnessed with the sound of birds,  a stay-wire symphony and the wind blows its force through every crook and cranny.

It is a lull of spiritual solemness, yet not completely ascent.  Your senses suddenly leap into action.  You hear more, you see lucidly:  astonishingly you feel different.  Her raging anger, yet gentle caress, danger or love.   You smell every change including if she is providing feed to schools of fish.  Its truly amazing.  As you sit on the hatch just feeling her, the ocean, reflecting, thinking with all five senses that she has triggered.  Truly amazing and some comforting thoughts flood.  Deep reflections.

Were is he now?  Does he see me now?  Can he see my sorrow ladened heart bearing heaviness; a pondering my body cannot physically nor mentally channel to the real world?  Yet I feel.  I feel he knows and I anguish knowing he see's all, knows all.  So shamefully are my thoughts struggling with contention  whispering "be strong so his heart will not break.  May he be free."

This, the man I love, still and always.  He is gone, yet a part of who I am.  How could I ever thank him for the stregnth he gives me.  He is no longer physical.  Always proud of me, never doubted what I could do if I wanted.  I was his everything.


Depraved individual who tosses endless and mindless thoughts into the wind.  Into the wind to be caught and given back with a fleeting feel of empathic repartee.

Here I sit, alone, lost, confused, frightened, and hurt.  Yet somehow his courage, strong arms and love surrounds me.  Pushing me to continue on and do what is next.  Each time he'll make sure I learn who I am.

I now know why I am lost, but this is alright.  It won't be forever, only until I find my next wisdom charged lesson on this lonely path to who I am.

And so I begin again, this time.................alone.

I am Lost.
I am scared.
I am who I am.
Who am I now?
Am I truly a Widow? 

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