Saturday, May 28, 2011

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift

So much time spent on pondering.  Why?  Why the pondering.  Why the hesitations to take steps in life.  Why the comments from the peanut gallery regarding mental health merely cause it is known I am a widow?  Do you people honestly believe that all widows are unstable?  I then find more hesitation because every negative comment freezes your very soul.  You lose your inner being, you question your situation, and sadly, you begin to question happiness.

For the last week I've been going through things and now have more empty boxes.  I was doing so well.  However, I did too much, had some negative issues coming from"helpful" individuals, and went into a down spin.  To compliment my downward spiral, I checked my phone and decided to listen to the message.  I had completely refused to answer anyone.  Like I said;  I was in a down spin.

The first message said, "Your answering machine sounds depressing."  Ya, okay, so I changed my greeting.  I mean really, who wants to leave a message to a depressed degenerate?  Oh, in comes another message different person.  "Are you trying to sound like a party animal?  You need to change your message."  Sigh....I tried to make it sound happy and played my wedding song in the background, so again, I change it.  Again, I get a message from another totally different person, "Gee, your message sounds, uhm...a little too enthusiastic."

Okay, this crap stops here and now.


Not one person realizes that tomarrow is anniversary day.  I'm having a rough go of it.  Do you think at least one person would say; "You okay?  Is something bothering you?"

I thought I was miserable and lonely, obviously I have it wrong.  I thought I was depressed and a little off.  Obviously I have that wrong too.  Obviously there are individuals out there who are far worse off than I.  Honestly, must we criticize an answering message?

Now I'm mad and I decide to confront this.  Why?  Why say these things to me?  I had an interesting conversation with my counselor.  He said, "Your depression is not what concerns me, what concerns me more is what can happen if you listen to those who are saying something is wrong, when nothing is.  You lost your husband. Not to mention the other situations that arose right after.  Its called life and nothing is wrong with you."
Today, well today I have come to the conclusion, which has been right in front of me the entire time, happiness.  Happiness is alright to have.  This is what happiness means to me:

  • Happiness is different for all of us.
  • Happiness is something that comes from within.
  • Since happiness comes from within, then no one can take it from you.
  • One person's happiness is another person's misery.  Then off with them in their misery and allow yours to be happy.
  • WE have the right to be happy.

So, yesterday is history.  Never mind what happened.  Tomorrow is a mystery; we never know what tomorrow will bring.  Today, well, today is a gift.  It is a gift to us individually and it is up to us to use that gift the way we see fit.  After-all it is ours.  If we choose to take some time out, time out it is.  If we choose to feel sorry for ourselves, then who has the right to say we cannot?  And most of all, no one has the right to take your gift of Today away.

What some individuals will never understand, when you lose a spouse its everyday, for the rest of your life.  It will never be the same.  It can get better, but, it will be different and different is okay.  What happened to the fight in me?  Its like I roll over like a dog and wait to be patted on the tummy and then kicked out of the way.  At least someone patted me on the tummy right?  WRONG.

Today is my gift.  Today I choose to ask myself, what right does another person have to tell me what I can or cannot do to be happy?  Why do I allow others to choose my path for me?  The path I have hanging up here on the wall beside me, written out is just fine.  If folks don't like it, well it is not theirs to like!

It's pretty damn bad when your "support" system kicks you in the butt and puts you to a freezing standstill.  The type of freeze that you can't even write a resume for a job you are qualified for.  You become so frozen that when your not speaking to anyone cause you don't want the criticism to eat you for a day, they leave messages criticizing an answering message.  ?????  Which leads me to believe that perhaps this supposed "support" is not what it appears.

Watch out for anyone who says something critical today cause I just might rip a head or two off.  Today, is my gift and today I will not allow anyone to abuse me.  If I rip a head off, don't tell me I have severe mood issues I need to deal with cause you have some serious abuse issues you need to deal with.  You don't corner something and then begin to poke it with a stick without expecting some type of retaliation.  Then accuse the retaliation of being wrong and "psychologically" unstable.  Who exactly is the one that is ill???

Today is my gift.
Use your own Today for yourself rather than mess with me.


  1. It sounds like they want you to get "better". But what the untouched don't understand is ... we didn't get the flu - we can't get better. Our spouses died. We are forever changed. (Just as you said). Switch off your phone for a couple of days. If you lived closer, I'd bring Cliff's samurai sword along and we could drink tea and chat, laugh and cry together.

    Then if someone happened to leave a stupid voicemail we could put the sword to use ;-)

  2. Which anniversary is it? I'm late on board, so I apologize for not knowing things like that. I have a description for the kinds of "help" you are getting from your friends--"The helping hand strikes again." I would not try to give you any advice, it's only been six months for me. BTW, I hadn't heard that about widows being unstable. Is that also true of widowers? Gulp!

  3. Boo, please don't bring me no samurai cause I might use it! LOL.

    Hello Jaloysisus! Nice to hear from you! Ah, you are an excellent person to help notice this being a professional! Check it out tis very true. No, I think its just the "female" I've been pondering that of late too. LOL. I began looking into it further due to the reactions I was receiving over the years. It just seemed so odd really. But how would I notice before since I was not a widow?
    Along with seeing if it was just me and there really is something wrong with me, or is this a "societal" opinion, I found a great place. Check out my links and you'll see "Widowed Village" I wish I had known about it long ago.

    Anyway in my meanderings I noticed that it wasn't just me that is targeted. It is "widow" that is. It doesn't appear that widowers are as affected by the stigma of "fragility of mental health" opinion. Yes, its very odd. Hate to put it this way but it's quite maddening really.
    Also men experience the same as "lose of friends", but ya, having a loved one pass away in the eyes of society is quite I don't know I guess you'd say genderized?

    I just try to openly joke about it now. If someone accuses me of needing help due to extreme moodiness merely because I express disapproval and don't agree with their opinion--I say hey I took my meds today did you? But sometimes it really does piss me off! :)

  4. Oh..sorry I blabbed so much...LOL...its my third.


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