Free Bird

My daughter came into town along with my five year old precocious granddaughter.  What a lovely gift!  We were driving along discussing her uncle who I explained would show up later.  I told her, "He's a free bird, he'll land home soon."  She asked me, "Free bird Nana?  What is a free bird?" 

"Oh," I said, " Free bird is someone who just does their own thing and will come and go, but they love their family very much and will land when needed and where needed for whatever reason.."

Quiet.  I looked in the rear view mirror and bright hazels green eyes stared back at me through the mirror... "Nana, are you a free bird?"

"Why baby, do I seem like a free bird?"

"Nana, you should be free, it would make you happy."

Completely stunned I thought about what she said.  Perhaps, out of the mouth of babes comes a strange truth.  Is it possible I've tied myself down to something which really means nothing to me at this point?  Even odder is the one thing my husband used to tease me about was, "I caught a free bird, she landed for me!"  He's right, I landed for him.

It is like I've been stuck on an "idea" for over two years.  Why is this?   More individuals close to me have encouraged me to move and find something different and this is something I agreed with.   They have literally encouraged me to take "flight."  Unfortunately, if you could see where I live, you wouldn't want to leave either even though it is land-locked surrounded by water no way out and 15 minutes to one end of the road, and about the same for the other end of the road. It's stunning here.  I'll show you one day.  You'll see why I'm having a hard time with this.  But I know I need to do it even if for a little while.  No jobs.

So over the last two years I created a flight plan. Unfortunately, it crashed.

Reality suddenly struck me.    I looked long and hard at my granddaughter's "smashed Fairy" picture.  Damn I was caught and smashed.  Where is the sense of humor and adventurous spirit?  Granddaughter is right, I need to be a free bird for awhile.  Just as a child is learning, I too am learning.  This child certainly has her Nana's sense of acceptance and adventure.

What has happened?  About two years ago I had a flight plan.  All immediate family members in agreement, all other family members in agreement, and close friends, in agreement.  The first time I've ever created a plan where having it "checked" for sanity actually brought positive feedback.

I proceeded with my plan and suddenly  a friend in crime mentioned wow, two heads together it will go faster. Made sense to me. Odd fortuitous events started slowly, then escalated last past year.  I did keep my eye on it, although I tried my best to keep moving forward.  As usual. 

Then it happened,  at the last moment, I was left behind.

The nice thing is, I actually let go this time.  Sure I stewed after all that work, but here is how I see it now.

I was so excited to escape this town and no longer live under the stigma of a widow.  Why?  For heavens sake you can't run from it   This was my greatest goal and to find out where I belong.  I know where I belong.  I was not using my flight plan.  I thought I saw my plan to "find myself" rapidly and dramatically disintegrated before my eyes.  Just as fast as leaves fall from an autumn wind storm so too did the plan.  Why didn't I see that coming?

I walk into my hall of silence and yell just to hear the echoes come back.  Then after feeling better, its taken a few months, I realize, this time, especially with the red flags of strange behavior was all a test.  I was leaping off a cliff and was allowing someone else to check my chute.

Okay a bit of a set back.  Unfortunately, for those of us who have lost a spouse, recovering from such episodically tragic events is not as easy as they once were.  To recover and continue plodding on with no tears, pulling up our big girl panties,  is very hard.  We are not as strong as babe the blue ox. We're scared, alone, frightened, and have basically been given a run through the ringer again.  In the past we had someone to catch us.  I no longer have anyone to catch me.  But hear my words:

My personality is still intact.  Sure, I trusted. In hindsight, I should've written a contract. I am usually careful about this.  I was taken for a ride in a different way.  Alright.  Allow Karma to have its way.  I can recreate my plan.  It is not too late to be that free bird.  But maybe this is a sign that I need to enforce my own stability in my free bird.

So many individuals were absolutely dismayed at this complete lack of honesty and the un-admirable display of showboating regarding what I thought was carefully designed arrangements to avoid such a situation.  So I was not the only one duped.  Believe it or not, it does make a person feel a little better. Like I said in an older post, I don't know what all this winning is about, nor being jealous of the others to extremes of being egocentric. Whatever, that is their thing, and not mine.  Key word here, me.

Karma can really bite a person hard.  I have a feeling because of all I have been through I have several guardian angels of my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother, my husband and the one watching me throughout life.  Quite a force to recon with.  :)

Precious words from babes once again. 

It'll just take another few years than I expected.  I took good care of my husband.  I did good.  I am me, who happens to be a widow.  But you know what, I'm gonna do it!  Just watch me.  I just have to think of another plan everyone agrees is sane!  Seriously, I can really go off the wall so I do have a select few who I have double check me and help clip my wings if that needs to happen!

 A Widows Perspective

Not A Pity Party, just want to live while I can