Lets Get Together

Appropriate.  Forget-me-nots

How often have you heard, "hey, we should get together, give me a call!"  and they walk off.  You realize you don't have their phone number and ask for it. You put it in your phone and actually give them a call only to hear nothing on the other end.  Nothing such as no one picks up or ever call you back when you leave a message.  I've also been invited to dinner to, "get me out of the house."  Okay I'll bite, so I call and you hear a familiar voice and so you say hello.  She asks, "who is this?"  I say my name and a response of, "Well so and so is not here I will give her the message."  At this point you realize the invitation was actually wasted breath for lack of anything else to say.  How many times do we fall for this?

The other one I like is, "Oh I am so glad to see you.  Its nice to see you out.  You look good.  We need to get together.  I'll give you a call."  You're polite and say, "Oh I would love that Thank-you."  but deep in your heart you know you will never hear from this person.  Guess what, you never hear from the person.

This is what I call setting a widow up for false sense of hope that others do care and the hope that someone won't mind our company.  Unfortunately, most of us only hear from these folks if there is something involved meaning taking up your entire day, or a laying of hands to heal you.

Gossip

Usually a time arrives, in our lives, when we realize saying whatever about others in a bad way has negative repercussions.  For some individuals, they never seem to advance to this stage in life.  They do not recognize the negativity coming from their lips hurts not only them, but those they speak of. 

The most amazing thing is when widows gossip about widows.  Yet then, why would I be surprised over such an event?  What you were before you became a widow (er) only lies dormant until you allow it to make its way to the surface.

Taking a Deep Breath...

Taking a step toward a goal may seem like such an easy event.  It really should be, but for some reason, I continually chickened out.  Just as I was ready to take that step, in fact always in mid-stride, I'd receive a bantering of "you can't do that" or "you'll never do it."  This reverberates harshly in your heart when heard from those in the professional field of assisting those like me to get back on their feet and gain self confidence once again.  It has been, well, it affected me because I was losing faith in myself and what I could do. 

No matter, this really shouldn't stop a person.  What we do not realize is when we are in the situation of having a spouse pass away, a great deal of our inner strength goes into hiding.  We lose our footing.  We're scared.  We often succumb to criticisms because we are on such unsteady ground physically and emotionally.  Every piece of our personality has been stunned into a shock displacing our once grounded reality.

Wake Up!

Such lucid dreams. I used to have such dreams. When my husband was ill I would dream lucidly that he was not. Rare very rare is it for me to have a dream where he is still alive and I wake up confused.

Such dreams have been hitting as waves and bashing me against the rocks in my little world that is like a tiny dory on the seas of life. What exactly is going on and why after so long would I begin to have such dreams?

Its so odd really, I am so so sad in the dream yet happy at the same time. I am looking at him through a window frame. He's laughing and being playful as usual and I am laughing back. I miss the playing. Young at heart we will always be. Its bright ever so bright. I know he's gone and I'm so very sad, yet there he is on the other side of the window waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and so...alive.


On the other side of me, another window I can look through. I can't make out all the people there, but whoever they are, they make me happy, but I want to look longer through the window with my husband. He's alive for a bit and I must connect while I can...and suddenly in the dream, that dream that has been waking me up confused for days in a row...I realize this is a dream.

I am able to take control and wake up. Wake up Robin, don't be sad when you do. I wake up and focus on the light I have trained myself to look for. Ah, there it is the light on the heater. I know I am home. Now I begin to understand.

Something new, I can feel it, something is turning the tide in the sea of life again. This time I have no fear and I have my oars. I guess we'll see where this tide change takes me this time. I won't question it, I'll go with it. Why not?

Happy Birthday

Dear Rob,

Today is your birthday, the one day we've never forgot.  I remember how hard you fought to keep alive to see your birthday, yet were so sick all we could do was a cheer with a protein smoothie.  That's alright because as you said, you were happy to make it to your birthday.  Your birthday is always so important now.

Are you wondering how I am doing?  I bet you are, you ALWAYS worried about me.  Loved me unconditionally and took care of me far more than I realized.  Funny how independent and hard headed I was yet you put up with it.   Well, let me tell you what I have been learning.  Maybe it will make you laugh and feel better.

What is Control?

Do any of us really have full and complete control over our lives.  Even those who are not going through the experiences we, "widows," endure daily?
I do wonder, and tonight I come to you with a few thoughts regarding this wonder.  When does one actually take control and how?

He's Gone Get Over It

This week has been phenomenally...weird.  Normally I would be emotional because its real close to that day.  You know the day I speak of.  It will be 4 years.  What brought all this up?

In my email from a psychic group was an article saying, "He's Gone Get Over It" At first I thought they meant old boyfriends.  As I read it said, widows, divorcee's...

Not just two years ago...maybe not even that, I would have been angry, burst into tears, you name it.  In fact knowing me I may have just written to the company and gave them a few choice words regarding the ignorance of a person who is supposed to be able to "see" into your life.

However, not this time.  Instead I found my self giggling.  What an incredibly rude and hurtful thing to say to a widow.  He's Gone Get Over It.  Who in their right mind would even think that we can just flip a damn switch and taaaa daaaa, all our pain is gone.

Well, it doesn't happen that way. 

Autopilot

Occasionally you wake up and just suddenly "get it."  You get what you have been trying to figure out, Now what?  After seeing my counselor, I suddenly realized...I've been on autopilot for several years now.  How do I turn the autopilot off?

Don't Tell Me What to Do.

Thinking back on annoying situations throughout this journey of being "widowed" but not really a "widow" has brought up some incredibly humorous and irritating situations.

Just yesterday I flashed back on a time I made a call to a free psychic.  Just wanted to see; curiosity you know.  The woman on the line didn't even ask my name and immediately spouted off: "You are being cheated on, she is evil, it is destroying your relationship...For 150.00 I can get rid of her without any serious repercussions."  Ohhhh really?  I was stunned and said, "Wow, I guess my deceased husband found a girlfriend."

Respect

Funny how we raise our daughters to be strong.  To say No means No.  Respect yourself.  What was that?

RESPECT

Hey how about learning respect for yourself as being yourself rather than focus on being a widow?

I will survive

 

One must take the time to question what happened. You especially feel this need when you feel so lost.  Reality is your life has been turned upside down, pulled out from under you, and for some of us, no way to support ourselves.   It affects us in different ways.  Some take vacations, some group with friends. Running to the water was my running toward answers I needed.  Where am I?

Being on ocean, feeling her moods, happy, sad, angry, or just content...this is my "Forest Gump" run.  Suddenly I see a little of myself reappear day by day.  Then the questions begin.  I  managed doing something that not many folks can do.  On spur of moment while ruthlessly working hard, a refreshing splash hits you and you realize, "I will survive"

Reality Sets In

So it seems reality begins to set in.  It happens to the best of us.  Unfortunately, reality is so hard to swallow.  Why would I be so lost in life?  A purpose for my being here must be around here somewhere.  I'm so tired of being alone.  Yet I have found myself not wanting to be near anyone.  People hurt.  They mean well, but always, I owe if they do something for me.  Or they want.  They get it and they are gone.  Stupid me.  So who can I trust?  Should I trust.  I'm thinking not.

The very disheartening fact is, I loved people, I loved being around them.  I loved visiting and listening to stories.  But now, for the last three years I've been told I talk too much, I lie, I am disliked, I am unworthy of working, I'm lazy, I'm old, I'm too white, I'm too fat, I'm too skinny, I'm stupid, etc.  It has made me realize I am absolutely of no worth anymore.  Is this what a widow is all about?  I am worthless and of no value anymore?  I am no longer a feeling and living human being who can be hurt?  Guess not.

Deep Reflections

The odd things one can learn while listening to the sound of silence.  When it really isn't silence at all, but a part of your inner-self finally channeling through.  The rumble of a jimmy and the impassioned thundering wave crash on the side of that wood boat miniaturizing your exalted being.  Dauntingly echoing she lives emotionally, she presents physically.  Evidence of her mighty presence witnessed with the sound of birds,  a stay-wire symphony and the wind blows its force through every crook and cranny.

It is a lull of spiritual solemness, yet not completely ascent.  Your senses suddenly leap into action.  You hear more, you see lucidly:  astonishingly you feel different.  Her raging anger, yet gentle caress, danger or love.   You smell every change including if she is providing feed to schools of fish.  Its truly amazing.  As you sit on the hatch just feeling her, the ocean, reflecting, thinking with all five senses that she has triggered.  Truly amazing and some comforting thoughts flood.  Deep reflections.

Red Sky At Night...

Red sky at night, sailors delight.  I know I've been gone for so long.  I have been fishing.  I have learned a great deal about myself.  Been through bumps, bruises, emotional upsets, emotional highs, and more than that, I learned so much not just about fishing, but, myself.  So the gamble didn't pay off financially, but most definitely paid off psychologically.

It was my opportunity to escape drama only to find myself wrapped up in another drama.  I learned you cannot run from this.  You cannot run and escape from being a widow either.  So I'm keeping this short and letting all know, sometimes, you have to find the strength to just keep going.  No matter what cause running gets you further behind.

I'll let all of you know some of my stories through life.  Some sad, some happy, and some funny.  This will be called "The Sea Gypsy Chronicles."  It will be posted on the side not a part of this part of my blog.  Sea Gypsy Chronicles will be stories that explain how I have been shaped throughout my life, prior to my husbands passing to now and my fishing stories.  Sometimes we can work out a lot of issues and impediments we meet in life by working out our experiences.

It is nice to be back folks.  Very nice.

No, yes, No, yes...what about me?

Have learned much in the last week my friends.  Patience, humor, the need to focus by finding my new focus, peace, and accepting I am doing all I can do.

Woke up this morning with individuals, including son, vying for my immediate attention, NOW.  I had plans to go through more things, and prepare my self for MY new journey.  When I tried to compromis, I was bomblasted with such negativity that...I ended up frozen not able to breath.

She calls for a reason, she feels the pain...

She feels my hurt, my sorrow, my pain.  So softly she calls, and I move her way.  Like a fury from where, she can call out your name.  With her gentle caress she can sooth your soul or suddenly disappear causing an end.  She is her own master, her strength is unknown, but rear her head and of those dispose.

Differences...

Lesson early today.

I woke up in a funk, started with my Tai Chi and felt better!

Then I get a phone call, and boom person in funk.

What did I just say only a couple of posts ago??  Oh ya, Snoop Dog.  So I listened for awhile and when the individual conversing with oneself switched to me being the focus I said, "Snoop Dog."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh just thinking, Snoop Dog."

Amazingly I cut this person off from going on how bad they have it even though they have an amazing amount of resources they can pull on, but...they just didn't get their "way" and well its the end of the world worse than what I could ever imagine.  So if I thought I had it rough, I don't know anything because....

Hey you...Widow...

Huh?  What is it with the music lately?  I will pass, but what is with the deer?  Bambi syndrome now?  What is it with the title?

Now that I am a bit further along in the "healing" area, I can actually be amused with the title bestowed.  I still have a long way to go, but hey, there's a clearing somewhere around here.  Somewhere a stable rock to put my foot is here.

Tripp on Dis...

Get the funk outta my face.  Ya, get it out of my face!  Amazing how we go through some serious funks.  It seems worse after my husband passed.  Seriously, it's not like I'm perpetually a downer.  Really I like to have fun, I like to feel good and I like to be me.  Whatever it is at that particular time!

I realized I really miss having someone to share the fun with!  It's not that I'm a downer and don't have fun, it's just that I'm never invited to go have fun, so I have to create my own fun.  Since no one wants to hear what I've been up to...well I go in a funk.  It reminds me there is no one here that cares like my husband.  Plus, what is up with that?  He's supposed to be here.

That's the problem, I have no one to share fun with.

Can't Rollerskate In a Buffalo Herd...

 

Honestly, this is going to be my theme song.  Why?  Because its incredibly funny and annoying at the same time.  The same way I feel when I am told I need to be "happy" and make the "best" of life.  

Obviously we have some conflict with the idea of happy here.  I thought it was me, thought I had to have a positive attitude to take life head on and make the best of it.  Then I realize, no, it is alright for me to be sad when I am sad.  It is alright for me to be happy when I am happy.  It is alright for me to cry when I cry.  So on and so forth.

What concerns me is why the "others" believe I should be happy all the time when in reality the "others" also have their moments.

Guardian Angels

Don't know about anyone else, but...do you believe in Guardian Angels?  I definitely have more than one I believe.  What throws me off is...

Someone else saw my Guardian Angel when I did not.  I don't think that was a Guardian Angel.  I had way too many odd things happen today for that to have been a Guardian Angel.

In one of my previous posts I had written about my husband who is now a mature eagle.  Well he never really left per se.  In fact, he is stronger than ever.  Especially if what happened happened, which it did, he is not gone, he has truly matured but never left me as I thought.  He just changed his appearance and now has gone into protection mode.

Freud was not Female

So at this point in time folks are probably thinking...geez get off it already.  No I won't.  Today is my anniversary, which isn't really an anniversary anymore.  If that isn't enough to convince you, today is the day I always got to do what I wanted because I was appreciated and loved. 

Wonderful thing is that even though its my anniversary that isn't an anniversary anymore, it is still my today and I can do what I want with it!  Isn't it wonderful how that works!

So today this is what I did.  I built a small fire, since I have to burn a bunch of stuff anyway, and wrote on a note..."Damn that Freud" and put it in the fire!

Yes, amazing how much better I feel!  I now feel like working on my resume.

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift

So much time spent on pondering.  Why?  Why the pondering.  Why the hesitations to take steps in life.  Why the comments from the peanut gallery regarding mental health merely cause it is known I am a widow?  Do you people honestly believe that all widows are unstable?  I then find more hesitation because every negative comment freezes your very soul.  You lose your inner being, you question your situation, and sadly, you begin to question happiness.

For the last week I've been going through things and now have more empty boxes.  I was doing so well.  However, I did too much, had some negative issues coming from"helpful" individuals, and went into a down spin.  To compliment my downward spiral, I checked my phone and decided to listen to the message.  I had completely refused to answer anyone.  Like I said;  I was in a down spin.

The first message said, "Your answering machine sounds depressing."  Ya, okay, so I changed my greeting.  I mean really, who wants to leave a message to a depressed degenerate?  Oh, in comes another message different person.  "Are you trying to sound like a party animal?  You need to change your message."  Sigh....I tried to make it sound happy and played my wedding song in the background, so again, I change it.  Again, I get a message from another totally different person, "Gee, your message sounds, uhm...a little too enthusiastic."

Okay, this crap stops here and now.

Ready, Set, Go!

All that I have been through, and my very being being raked over shards of glass...finally it's happened.  I ran into a situation, where the person tried to run me over glass again cause they saw my healing.  My personal power coming into being again.  This time I approached it wisely.  My old self. :)  

I couldn't be happier.  I guess enjoying the Wicked Tinkers, and Late Husband's growing up has affected me in a positive way.  I have been sticking to my goal, which I did write down and hang up to remind me, and it is really helping.  

The other event in my life is I joined up with a place called "Widowed Village."   I wish I had known about this place a few years back.  So please, check this place out.  Kind considerate and people like us to visit with.  Laughter and tears, and advice.  So beautiful.

You see the faerie and one of her wings are clipped.  Well, have hope my widowed friends.  My wings that were clipped so brutally by emotional vampirism, are actually healing.  I grow my wings as my husband matured this year.  Suddenly I realize, okay, lets grow them wings.  This was our plan, and there is no reason I can't continue with the plan I start so long ago with him.  I just have to wing it alone.

Socializing the Widow

Yep she's still on course.  It has been a long quietness on this blog I know.   Its been awhile since I've been around, but I've put my nose to the grindstone and faced the music.  Seriously.  Still very carefully following my plan, but also working on myself socially.  Seems odd we would have to face social issues that were once so easy to do.    It is so different and feels so different. 

For some reason I feel, sometimes, like a total social degenerate.  Why?  Never before has it bothered me.  Now, I just feel as if I don't fit in.  Worst thing is, I know it is me doing this to myself!  So what does one do when it feels wrong? 

Just Do It!

These Are Days We'll Remember

Ally ally Rob runs free! 

Suddenly it happens.  You are hit with a two by four.  The very two by four you've been afraid to feel. The one that unexpectedly throws you off your feet.  An anticipated realization and decision that really feels real, that it is right and yes, indeed its very sane! 

You wait ever so long after the death of your spouse to suddenly one day feel such a sudden burst of warmth, that light of love that hits you in the face.  You weep quietly so as not to disturb.  Disturb What?   The joy that the one you love is free and its okay to be feel free even though it feels so wrong.  Sure you feel guilty because the person you were supposed to experience this with is gone.   It wasn't meant to be.  Its painful, it's your pain and won't go away, but it's okay.  It isn't your fault.  It feels like it, and you don't even realize it.  Its okay to embrace this burst of understanding even for the little time you may feel it.

How to Focus and Create a Flight Plan

Lovely, just when you want to build another reasonable plan to replace the one you wandered from and completely mucked up, your thinking disappears.  I don't know about you, but since becoming a widow, my focus is really out of touch.  Looking around frantically you try to find it.  Darn, you just can't do this without finding your thinking cap.

I don't know what got into me but I couldn't think.  Not coherent thought.  I sat here staring blankly at all the things to do and so many thoughts went through my head it was pretty near painful.  Not a good sign when your brain begins a melt down.

Free Bird

My daughter came into town along with my five year old precocious granddaughter.  What a lovely gift!  We were driving along discussing her uncle who I explained would show up later.  I told her, "He's a free bird, he'll land home soon."  She asked me, "Free bird Nana?  What is a free bird?" 

"Oh," I said, " Free bird is someone who just does their own thing and will come and go, but they love their family very much and will land when needed and where needed for whatever reason.."

Quiet.  I looked in the rear view mirror and bright hazels green eyes stared back at me through the mirror... "Nana, are you a free bird?"

"Why baby, do I seem like a free bird?"

"Nana, you should be free, it would make you happy."

What to do with a Death Certificate?

Strangest thing happened.  I finally had company over, pat me on the back its been a year, and we were playing yatzee.  By the way, I smoked them!

I needed something to write on so I grab a nice notebook leather bound given to me because it seems the best thing to write on.

We were laughing and having fun, and I thought suddenly, this notebook had dust all over it, what's in it?  For heavens sake I gotta dust.

I opened this nice leather bound notebook and staring me in the face was the original death certificate of my husband.

A Memory I can Face Now

This will obviously take far more than one post.  At least this is a start.  We all would love to be able to heal the person we love.  In fact we try so very hard to help in every way we can.  Meanwhile...

Nothing is more frightening than finding out your husband has a form of cancer that has a very low recovery rate.  Especially without a stem cell transplant.

The next frightening event and a close to beating your chest in absolute fright wanting to scream out loud pain,  is  the treatment.  After going through all the treatments for such a long time, fighting along side your husband, laying by his side in his bed while chemo is dripping in and holding him because not only are you frightened, so is he.  He needs your strength.  After all this, just to have the next wave of dilemma's hit you.

Oh Gawd...to watch someone you love go through such intense pain and illness and you can do nothing.  You are powerless when all through the relationship you were the one able to put the band-aid on the boo-boo and make everything better.  All you can do is hold them closely and tell them you are there and love them so much and Thank-you for being brave for me, it must be so very hard.  

We Got That Boom Boom Pow

Who said mature women, who are widows, couldn't have fun?  I beg to differ.  "We got that boom boom pow.  Them chickens jackin our style." 

Ya don't underestimate us mature women.  We'll boom boom pow you off the floor if we want.  "We so 3008 and you so 2000 and late."  We have how many years experience on ya? 

Needless to say, I've been laid up on the couch and can't move.  Its been about three days.  Moving slow now and at least could bend over to pick up the laundry to wash it!   But we won't mention that will we!  My Chiropractor thinks I'm a nut case.  He mentioned something about he's never seen so many vertebra out of line.  Asked me if it was worth it.  I replied, "Ya doc I got that Boom Boom [crack] OW."

What Can You Say To a Widow To Make Her Feel Better?

Daily conversations, what an ingenious concept.  As if widows cannot do this?  Well, surprise, most of us can.  Some of us will get a bit teary eyed, but so what?  This is normal.  Certain thoughts, events, scents, and so much else will trigger a memory.  It doesn't mean we are so fragile that we're going to break into a million pieces.

What hurts worse is when we are left out of casual conversations.  The type of conversations that include laughter, jokes, what is happening in the world around us, and even though you are married and we are not, many of us do care and understand relationships are important!  We were married remember?  Just because the one we loved is not physically with us, does not mean we are not happy for your accomplishments.

What Would I Do Different...

Have you ever asked yourself, if you had the chance to say or do something different would you?  Questions regarding the relationship you had, your missing link.  The vitality of your life, your one and only?

I find myself engrossed by the idea "stages of grieving."  Several individuals I am around lately are taking this to extremes.  Its as if all have an answer for me.  Why wouldn't they know, after all I'm sure they watched it on some sitcom, Oprah or read a book?

So the question pops up, if you had to do it over what would you do different?  Do you have any regrets?  After-all questioning or showing regrets to what you did, this is a part of grieving which promotes healing.

Now, exactly how am I supposed to respond to this?

Stability in Instability

Just when you feel alone and no one is around, one of our children, I don't care the age, needs you.  I have three lovely children all grown.  Well, alright my son, who is a momma's boy, he's getting there at any rate.  It seems we all have to have a wild child.  If not, God Bless You because you are the first I've known with a perfect life and perfect children!

Odd thing is when ALL three of your children, living all in different States, suddenly give you a call.  One right after another.  Seems trauma hits all at once in this family.  I found my role in life, even without my husband, has not changed.  So something in life is stable.  Maybe this sounds strange, but for the first time I see stability in my incredibly unstable life.  Its always been there, I just never noticed.  Was I too busy being preoccupied with what I no longer have?

The Gypsy Calls

Living in my home is odd.  The community I've lived in for 24 years feels odd.  Even after being here for so long and it is my home.  This oddness that I am feeling leads me to believe, I am not accomplishing anything, and probably will not.  At least with my husband, I did not feel so detached or "a failure" in creating a successful life and independence.

I have the sudden pull to be what I once was.  Why not?  That which was important to me is now gone.  BDH (Before death of Husband), I was quite the wanderer and loved the experiences.  I didn't mind picking up roots.  It wasn't as if my roots were attached.  I would go from place to place and gosh, I learned so much.  It was wonderful meeting new people, new experiences, and nature's wonders.  I enjoyed life. 

No Way, Not Again...

You have got to be kidding me.  How many times will I be on a path and then one day I wake up and think, who is this person in this body?    

Out of all the emotions we go through, I think this is the most frustrating, funny and weird feeling to feel. It's almost as if this particular "feeling" goes through its own grieving process.

Feelin' Froggie?

Life has really got a way of just letting us feel as if we are doing good, then dealing us a bad poker hand.  My husband albeit small, was incredibly tough.  He's short and believe me, while young and a tough fisherman he'd pick out the largest man in the bar and go at it, and win.  Win what I never understood.  What was the point?  It's a testosterone thing I guess.  I love him deeply, but I would have to admit, he most certainly had a Napoleon Complex.  In some strange way, it was sexy and funny to me.

Anyway, his saying for everything, including when life would stare him in the face was, "You feelin froggie?  Then come on and leap." Then he'd hold both fists up in the air. 

Well, now I know what that saying really means.  I feel like life is saying, "You feelin Froggie" and I'm responding "You betcha" and leap toward life.  Off I go, finding myself going over the edge of a cliff being scraped up by the thorn bushes I grasp to stop my fall. Until I hit the cold water at the bottom, the fall itself is a complexly painful unstoppable drop.  I gasp a breath of air and think, "Holy Moly, what a ride, glad it wasn't cement down here."

Wanna see Tude Dude?

I've always considered myself incredibly docile, patient and accepting.  Even if I do not agree, it matters not; a person has the right to their beliefs.
However, I found I can actually be set off within three minutes of a conversation.  What would push me to anger within three minutes?  The statement, "You are out hunting for a husband aren't you.  All widows are looking for a man because they can't live on their own."

Suddenly my smile grows evil and my piercing blue eyes begin to throw daggers.  A response that once started cannot be stopped.  The mouth opens and retorts, "Really?   Exactly what part of grocery shopping and a smile saying hello constitutes a desperate widow looking for a man?  Was it the way I fondled the avocados?  Perhaps you should keep shopping and move on."

Instead of leaving it be, no a response just had to be given, "Oh, I see you have an attitude.  Men don't appreciate attitudes; they'll stay away from you"

You have yet to experience the tude dude.

Squirrely Girlie

Ah Spring, its a lovely time of year!  The sun is shining, people out walking instead of driving.  Spring is something we look forward to.  I always get a kick out of how many people are pregnant after winter.  Hmmmmm.  Long winter I suppose!! :)  Winter is far more productive for some than others!

It is time for me to get into the spring forward mood.  Normally I have jobs lined up and a busy schedule planned out.  Not this time.  It feels weird.  Don't know why.  It's been said that a person is in "grief" mode at least two years.  So what happens to those of us who still haven't gotten the hang of it?  Its been three years for me.  It isn't as painful, but it has definitely debilitated me in other ways.  I'm feeling squirrely.

Madam Butterfly

Have you ever found yourself just fluttering about afraid to make that landing? Dang it’s a pain to run about trying to catch that runaway balloon.  Why is it so darn complicated?

When I was very young, just a child, I use to watch butterflies.  I found them mesmerizing.  They flutter about almost aimlessly it seems.  However, you know in reality they are on their own mission.  Not only are butterflies beautiful but they are interesting creatures.

Butterflies flutter moving up, down and forward.  They don't fly, they flutter, or so it seems to me.  They land very gracefully.  Have you ever seen a butterfly fall unless its wings have been damaged?   They are so intriguing that you want to touch.  But, if you get near that butterfly, now matter how sneaky you try to be, off they go.  You missed your chance at touching something so beautiful, so delicate. You think, "Rats, better luck next time."

Who am I?

I've received so many private comments asking me, who are you really?!!  Are you sure you want to know?  Mystery is a lot of fun you know!

Well honestly, haven't you been reading?  This is who I am.  Why do I do this anonymous?  Because I can.  Sometimes its easier to speak your mind, especially living in a very tiny town, without the hassles of being stopped and condoned for your every thought.

So, I went on a search.  Who am I?  I mean really.  I keep telling all of you I am an individual and always have been.  A part of myself never disappeared even ADS (After Death of Spouse).  So I changed my look of my site to make it a little more reflective of who I am.

Runaway Balloon

My goodness and so much can happen in so little time.

Suddenly you find yourself doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do.  Like stopping in the middle of something important and find yourself quite literally screaming, "Hey, wait a minute.  Stop, just STOP"  If you're not verbally yelling it, then your body language is. Boy Howdy, not only can you misread it, but so can others.  Energy is a funny being.

I have been trying to adjust to all the sudden waves of change.  In fact,  as rapidly as possible so I can do that thing called, "Move on."  Just like the rest of us.  But what is that?  How the hell can you move on when you are heedlessly spinning broadies in your daily life?  You can't.  So your body suddenly screams at you.  Do you hear me?  No, it wasn't a large enough hit.

Is it Black and White

Really you ask.  Black and white?  How about the gray, a humorous side to all this.  Yep my friends I would have to say yes.  Indeed a humorous side exists.

Have you ever noticed that black is a very death reflected color.  Why?  Why when I walk into a group, or look at pictures of grief, black is always indicated in some shape or form.  Whether it is the clothes bound to those in mourning or the binders of information for those who seek hope through groups?

Can women our age really start a new life?

The last time I wrote was the beginning of February.  With all the private and public contacts I received, it appears that us widows/widowers made it through the Christmas and New Years just fine.  It wasn't so bad was it!  We may not have been in the position to spend our entire non-fortune on those we love, but we were able to be creative.

It is the "creative" portion of this I would really like to address.  It seems we do all we can to survive by either holding each other up emotionally, or giving each other ideas for approaching our dilemma's.  One dilemma I had been running into head on is the age group in which I fit.  I am seen as "older" and not the young single fresh face to be an energetic representative of a place I  apply for.

Hmmmm.  However, I am single.  I am energetic, and I am resourceful, educated, and have experience in a variety of areas.  I may not be Marylyn Monroe gorgeous, but I don't think I am Lyle Lovett either.  So why suddenly am I too old to have an opportunity the same as any other female no matter the age?  Not to mention men, a majority of men, our age are seeking out much younger women.  Another story different time.  Still this quandary exist quite prominently.  What can I do so I am not stuck in situations that are mindless and boring tasks?

Seasons in Life

I watch out the window at the beautiful snowflakes falling ever so lightly and building up.  The entire ground is now white.  It feels clean and fresh.

So now it is time to reflect.  It is that time of year.  How far have I gotten to clean and start again just like seasons start and finish for the next season. What have I done to "clean" my own closet both physical and mentally.

The void, well, lets remember the void.  Now that I recognized it, slowly but surely, I have embraced it.  I now fill that void.  I do volunteer work, my artwork, and cleaning.   Taking out the old and bringing in the new is not so bad after all.

The shell, well by recognizing my void and embracing it, also it breaks down my shell slowly on a comfortable level.  The volunteering I love to do takes me into the world doing something I feel safe doing.  It also introduces me to new and very interesting individuals.  It challenges my brain and makes me feel more confident in myself.  This takes me into the world of applying for new jobs.  Jobs I can do just scared to get the rejection letter.  Sometimes it takes a lot of no's to get that one yes you wait for.  It's all a part of life.

All in all, with the extreme emotions of the last years, it's not so bad and I am allowing myself to see progress.  I try to allow the negatives to become the positives in my life.

The Shell

I hope we all survived the holidays.  It's a new year.  I will try to post at least once a week.  I'm going to bump it up!!  One thing I noticed this holiday is that I literally found the strength to crawl out of my shell and enjoy seeing people.

I have put up a very hardened large shell around myself.  No one could penetrate.  The one person who did, I didn't quite allow that shell to come off!  Which was a good thing because the little portion of it I did, the inside was hurt terribly.   My shell is my safety zone.  If I feel scared, hurt, afraid or insecure, I run back into the shell.  Funny thing about shells, I am now living like a hermit crab.  Hermit crabs are interesting creatures.  They move into larger shells as their bodies outgrow the old ones.  I have become a hermit crab!

I thought about it and what does one do with a shell when you finally figure out it exists.  If you remove that shell too forcefully, such as a king crab leg, you tear up what is inside and pieces of the shell splinter into the tasty meat. So remnants of that are not appealing.  I guess its going to take some time to deal with this shell.

I did get a little too excited about "coming" out and made quite the nuisance of myself by talking far too much to the wrong individuals and got my feelings hurt.  Ran back into the shell to re-think.  Of course I talked too much.  I haven't spoken to anyone for three years.  I've pretty much isolated myself so I wouldn't bother anyone.  Again, rethink this.  Over talking and exploding from years of silence, not a good thing.  Its like having to re-learn boundaries all over again. 

With my husband, I could say anything.  I was never criticized for how much I spoke or what I spoke about.  He was my best friend.  This is no longer the case. 

Now it's time for me to realize I am alone, and that is alright, and if I want to be with others, I need to learn some boundaries on visiting.  So I will take little dashes out of my shell at a time and then run back in.  Like playing tag.  This way I will not get too close and get hurt again, yet I am filling that need to socialize.  I was wounded by a past event leaving me crushed and having a major lack of confidence.  The floor was pulled out from under me.  Bad enough that it will take awhile to recover.  However, I am a strong woman, and I have no doubt I can learn to do "socializing" all over again!  Only this time, with boundaries!
Have a wonderful week everyone.