Hey you...Widow...

Huh?  What is it with the music lately?  I will pass, but what is with the deer?  Bambi syndrome now?  What is it with the title?

Now that I am a bit further along in the "healing" area, I can actually be amused with the title bestowed.  I still have a long way to go, but hey, there's a clearing somewhere around here.  Somewhere a stable rock to put my foot is here.

Widow.  The ubiquitous all powerful word.  The word I absolutely hated.  A title bestowed upon me without my permission.  As if this is a promotion in life?  I get a new title.  Wonderful.  Thanks so very much for the honor.  I mean really, thanks.

I walk along the boardwalk and reflect.  Deep reflections that boggle my mind.  Just trying to get it "all" together and process this.  Okay, I gotta keep going.  Going where I should be.  Where am I going?  What the heck am I doing.

I sometimes think if I hadn't have been forced to resign, and still had a "place" in life, a job, that at least something stable in my life would have existed when instability hit.  Stability meaning a type of focus.  No wonder I am hither tither with strife.  I haven't a clue what I am supposed to do.  Lord knows, and he does, that I am trying to "get it together" but working in so many different jobs, none what I should be doing, none permanent...its just another sad ending.

So there it is...the turmoil I cause myself.  Its understandable, of course, because I am hanging trying to find something stable to put a foot on.  The thing is, I need to find that stable rock to put my foot on in order to climb to the next level.

Questioning what if, or if this had, anything in that area is useless and basically is just keeping you...hanging...perpetually confused and grasping as if in panic.  When you grasp out in panic, you usually grasp the wrong object and chaos reigns all.

So of late my "thing" is not so much, widow, the title so honorably bestowed upon me, but...who I am and what am I going to do?  I surely cannot keep doing what I am doing.  I need stability.

The epiphany of it all suddenly rings through.  Sometimes instability is actually stabilizing.  Grieving is up and down and causes us to be unstable in some areas, unsure, scared, etc.  Yet at the same time, grieving is healing, stabilizing, a way to work through a disaster that has happened.

Hence the term, Widow, is only what it is.  In very basic terms, it is a titled bestowed on those who had a spouse pass away.  It is not who we are by all means.  We are for a time.  Just like we grieve for however long and in what ever way needed for us.  Likewise, widow is merely a term an instability we pass through in order to return to our "new" stability.  Our new life, a different life.  It does not define who we are unless we allow it to.

Just as a deer hears a noise and flags its tail, then tries to decide if it should fight or flight, so too must we.  The ugly term we all hate, is merely what we make it.  If individuals whom have never experienced this do not see it this way...they are responsible for their own ignorance.  We are not.  We are only responsible for getting through this.

Getting through it is the hardest part.  The branches grow thick on some areas, or it might be grassy lands we walk through.  Whatever it is that we walk through, we shall walk through it.  It bites the bullet, but at the same time, this instability is the stability we need to become who we are.

Huh???  Doing a Lama?

So what if I am!!