Saturday, June 25, 2011

No, yes, No, yes...what about me?

Have learned much in the last week my friends.  Patience, humor, the need to focus by finding my new focus, peace, and accepting I am doing all I can do.

Woke up this morning with individuals, including son, vying for my immediate attention, NOW.  I had plans to go through more things, and prepare my self for MY new journey.  When I tried to compromis, I was bomblasted with such negativity that...I ended up frozen not able to breath.

Why must I be here to privy all others needs and necessities.  On their convenience not of my own.  It finally hit me that although its very hard to have individuals disappointed with you...I must do what I can do to proceed with my life.  Not theirs, mine.  I am tired of the guilt trips and the nasty anger remarks and the flat out starting a morning I had so many plans for ruined because of others and their selfishness.  I do not believe I was put here to beckon every one elses call but my own.  Now to slowly convince myself of this. 

It is harder to pull up the bootstraps and keep going with the negativity and the mean nasty insults barraged my way.  I want no bad feelings.  But then, what about my feelings.  Do they not matter? 

Do these folks even care I am at the end of the road here and am losing all?  No, instead its as if I owe.  Owe what I do not know, but I owe, I owe the whole of the universe if I continue my path not chosen by me.  Now, sad thing, when I am out, and I am living in my car, and I have nothing...where are these folks going to be?  On their way with their plans because...I took out of my time to help.  But it will not go both ways.  When I need the major help...I do not receive in return.  So, something has to give.

Since I am terribly sensitive, I know, it will be me standing in the same place as I have been for years, doing everything for everyone, and when I need to talk, or I need some support or I need some will not be.

Sometimes its hard to be a bitch, I appear to be the head master of women on brooms, but really truly, I am not.  It is hard to be tough.  But tough I will try to be.  What more do I have cause surely, I spend more time helping others than myself.

I am truly at my road end.  It must turn to continue going.  When I run out of gas, there will be no one to call because in reality, they have gotten what they need and their lives are, with my help, on an upswing.  But my gas tank is near empty, and am running on fumes.  I still get the guilt trips and comments that I "owe" whatever for whatever reason, and it takes away from me putting gas in my own journey.

Its hard to say no, but no I must say.  The backlashes, well, I'll get through those day by day.  I mean after all, I am having to get through the pain of losing a spouse, day by day. 

What bites is having to, on top of all this, get disability and a way to pay for my medications.  Since to date I have had no help, I am now off most meds and the illness is coming back full force.  Oh well.  I can only do what I can do.  I was denied everything, but received no denial.  I was lucky I called because I found out it was two days past when I could appeal, but since I received no denial...that is just cause.  I just hope something starts happening and happens in a fast way.

1 comment:

  1. mmmmm, this sounds remarkably familiar to me :-( If you feel guilt at all and you should NOT ... just remember this .... you have to help yourself first otherwise you cannot help others who seem to rely on you. And yes, their needs always come above your own unfortunately. Even sadder, we put theirs above ours too x


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