Friday, April 29, 2011

What Can You Say To a Widow To Make Her Feel Better?

Daily conversations, what an ingenious concept.  As if widows cannot do this?  Well, surprise, most of us can.  Some of us will get a bit teary eyed, but so what?  This is normal.  Certain thoughts, events, scents, and so much else will trigger a memory.  It doesn't mean we are so fragile that we're going to break into a million pieces.

What hurts worse is when we are left out of casual conversations.  The type of conversations that include laughter, jokes, what is happening in the world around us, and even though you are married and we are not, many of us do care and understand relationships are important!  We were married remember?  Just because the one we loved is not physically with us, does not mean we are not happy for your accomplishments.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What Would I Do Different...

Have you ever asked yourself, if you had the chance to say or do something different would you?  Questions regarding the relationship you had, your missing link.  The vitality of your life, your one and only?

I find myself engrossed by the idea "stages of grieving."  Several individuals I am around lately are taking this to extremes.  Its as if all have an answer for me.  Why wouldn't they know, after all I'm sure they watched it on some sitcom, Oprah or read a book?

So the question pops up, if you had to do it over what would you do different?  Do you have any regrets?  After-all questioning or showing regrets to what you did, this is a part of grieving which promotes healing.

Now, exactly how am I supposed to respond to this?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Stability in Instability

Just when you feel alone and no one is around, one of our children, I don't care the age, needs you.  I have three lovely children all grown.  Well, alright my son, who is a momma's boy, he's getting there at any rate.  It seems we all have to have a wild child.  If not, God Bless You because you are the first I've known with a perfect life and perfect children!

Odd thing is when ALL three of your children, living all in different States, suddenly give you a call.  One right after another.  Seems trauma hits all at once in this family.  I found my role in life, even without my husband, has not changed.  So something in life is stable.  Maybe this sounds strange, but for the first time I see stability in my incredibly unstable life.  Its always been there, I just never noticed.  Was I too busy being preoccupied with what I no longer have?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Gypsy Calls

Living in my home is odd.  The community I've lived in for 24 years feels odd.  Even after being here for so long and it is my home.  This oddness that I am feeling leads me to believe, I am not accomplishing anything, and probably will not.  At least with my husband, I did not feel so detached or "a failure" in creating a successful life and independence.

I have the sudden pull to be what I once was.  Why not?  That which was important to me is now gone.  BDH (Before death of Husband), I was quite the wanderer and loved the experiences.  I didn't mind picking up roots.  It wasn't as if my roots were attached.  I would go from place to place and gosh, I learned so much.  It was wonderful meeting new people, new experiences, and nature's wonders.  I enjoyed life. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

No Way, Not Again...

You have got to be kidding me.  How many times will I be on a path and then one day I wake up and think, who is this person in this body?    
Out of all the emotions we go through, I think this is the most frustrating, funny and weird feeling to feel. It's almost as if this particular "feeling" goes through its own grieving process.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Feelin' Froggie?

Life has really got a way of just letting us feel as if we are doing good, then dealing us a bad poker hand.  My husband albeit small, was incredibly tough.  He's short and believe me, while young and a tough fisherman he'd pick out the largest man in the bar and go at it, and win.  Win what I never understood.  What was the point?  It's a testosterone thing I guess.  I love him deeply, but I would have to admit, he most certainly had a Napoleon Complex.  In some strange way, it was sexy and funny to me.

Anyway, his saying for everything, including when life would stare him in the face was, "You feelin froggie?  Then come on and leap." Then he'd hold both fists up in the air. 

Well, now I know what that saying really means.  I feel like life is saying, "You feelin Froggie" and I'm responding "You betcha" and leap toward life.  Off I go, finding myself going over the edge of a cliff being scraped up by the thorn bushes I grasp to stop my fall. Until I hit the cold water at the bottom, the fall itself is a complexly painful unstoppable drop.  I gasp a breath of air and think, "Holy Moly, what a ride, glad it wasn't cement down here."

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Wanna see Tude Dude?

I've always considered myself incredibly docile, patient and accepting.  Even if I do not agree, it matters not; a person has the right to their beliefs.
However, I found I can actually be set off within three minutes of a conversation.  What would push me to anger within three minutes?  The statement, "You are out hunting for a husband aren't you.  All widows are looking for a man because they can't live on their own."

Suddenly my smile grows evil and my piercing blue eyes begin to throw daggers.  A response that once started cannot be stopped.  The mouth opens and retorts, "Really?   Exactly what part of grocery shopping and a smile saying hello constitutes a desperate widow looking for a man?  Was it the way I fondled the avocados?  Perhaps you should keep shopping and move on."

Instead of leaving it be, no a response just had to be given, "Oh, I see you have an attitude.  Men don't appreciate attitudes; they'll stay away from you"

You have yet to experience the tude dude.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Squirrely Girlie

Ah Spring, its a lovely time of year!  The sun is shining, people out walking instead of driving.  Spring is something we look forward to.  I always get a kick out of how many people are pregnant after winter.  Hmmmmm.  Long winter I suppose!! :)  Winter is far more productive for some than others!

It is time for me to get into the spring forward mood.  Normally I have jobs lined up and a busy schedule planned out.  Not this time.  It feels weird.  Don't know why.  It's been said that a person is in "grief" mode at least two years.  So what happens to those of us who still haven't gotten the hang of it?  Its been three years for me.  It isn't as painful, but it has definitely debilitated me in other ways.  I'm feeling squirrely.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Madam Butterfly

Have you ever found yourself just fluttering about afraid to make that landing? Dang it’s a pain to run about trying to catch that runaway balloon.  Why is it so darn complicated?

When I was very young, just a child, I use to watch butterflies.  I found them mesmerizing.  They flutter about almost aimlessly it seems.  However, you know in reality they are on their own mission.  Not only are butterflies beautiful but they are interesting creatures.

Butterflies flutter moving up, down and forward.  They don't fly, they flutter, or so it seems to me.  They land very gracefully.  Have you ever seen a butterfly fall unless its wings have been damaged?   They are so intriguing that you want to touch.  But, if you get near that butterfly, now matter how sneaky you try to be, off they go.  You missed your chance at touching something so beautiful, so delicate. You think, "Rats, better luck next time."

Who am I?

I've received so many private comments asking me, who are you really?!!  Are you sure you want to know?  Mystery is a lot of fun you know!

Well honestly, haven't you been reading?  This is who I am.  Why do I do this anonymous?  Because I can.  Sometimes its easier to speak your mind, especially living in a very tiny town, without the hassles of being stopped and condoned for your every thought.

So, I went on a search.  Who am I?  I mean really.  I keep telling all of you I am an individual and always have been.  A part of myself never disappeared even ADS (After Death of Spouse).  So I changed my look of my site to make it a little more reflective of who I am.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Runaway Balloon

My goodness and so much can happen in so little time.

Suddenly you find yourself doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do.  Like stopping in the middle of something important and find yourself quite literally screaming, "Hey, wait a minute.  Stop, just STOP"  If you're not verbally yelling it, then your body language is. Boy Howdy, not only can you misread it, but so can others.  Energy is a funny being.

I have been trying to adjust to all the sudden waves of change.  In fact,  as rapidly as possible so I can do that thing called, "Move on."  Just like the rest of us.  But what is that?  How the hell can you move on when you are heedlessly spinning broadies in your daily life?  You can't.  So your body suddenly screams at you.  Do you hear me?  No, it wasn't a large enough hit.