Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Gypsy Calls

Living in my home is odd.  The community I've lived in for 24 years feels odd.  Even after being here for so long and it is my home.  This oddness that I am feeling leads me to believe, I am not accomplishing anything, and probably will not.  At least with my husband, I did not feel so detached or "a failure" in creating a successful life and independence.

I have the sudden pull to be what I once was.  Why not?  That which was important to me is now gone.  BDH (Before death of Husband), I was quite the wanderer and loved the experiences.  I didn't mind picking up roots.  It wasn't as if my roots were attached.  I would go from place to place and gosh, I learned so much.  It was wonderful meeting new people, new experiences, and nature's wonders.  I enjoyed life. 

 I settled down here because it was a quaint little town full of personality, acceptance, and artistically inclined.  I  married, but it didn't last long.   Then I re-married.  We had a difficult marriage, but we worked it out.  So by the end of life for my husband, we were terribly close.  We had indeed become as one.  It was a lot of work to get to that point.  We had children, whom are now grown and do not live here.

Losing him at such a young age is hard.  We were supposed to do the "gypsy" thing together. His roots were here.  He was born and raised in this small town that is land locked and isolated from roads.  He wanted to "see" what was beyond this island. Our children have gone beyond the island, and so I really am unto myself here.

When I think about it, no wonder I feel disjointed, discombobulated, flighty and weird.  He was the roots to my home.  So were the kids.  So the "tree of life" is showing itself to me.  This is another page in my journey to life.  I have been born, I have lived a life, I am now going into another life.  The circle is completing.  Even so, I know, I really feel something is out there for me.

My story very short: Five years ago,  I gave my resignation letter to my prior job.   I explained I had to go because my husband had treatments and I was required to be there full time.  For a year and half, I did not work.  My every minute was with him, taking care of him, going through his death with him and he was going through my grief with me.  Well my "career" stopped.  Everything stopped.  I was told I could not work, it would take my entire energy and focus to take care of my husband.  We had no family to help, we had to go out of state.  So, it fell on my shoulders.  It happens.  Now it is over.

I honestly believed I could pick up from where I was.  That is exactly how I've been living. 

How could I?  Jobs are scarce unless you want to work for 7.75 an hour without insurance.  Or you can find a job for 9.00 an hour and after six months be eligible for insurance with an 84.00 dollar deduction each pay period not including taxes, SS, and all the other deduction.  Even if you managed this by working several jobs, you are faced with a 3,000 dollar deductible prior to any type of coverage.  Trust me working that many jobs for three years straight, you'll have your deductible met due to illness because now you can't work.  You over did it.

I have tried for three years to regain control over what once was.  At this point, I don't think it is reasonable to believe it will happen here.  In order to succeed in a career now at my age:
  • I would be again competing with those who are much younger, and have "up to date" information.
  • To face this issue, it would mean going back to college and brushing up in the field and furthering my education.
  • The downfall to this is I cannot afford to go to college.  It would mean a Master's.  This is a lot of money and financial aid is not available for graduate school.
  • I do have the option of taking HIS (health information systems) but then again, funding.  
  • I am faced with an illness I must take care of.  How without insurance for medication, specialists, and a variety of expensive tests?  Reality, I'm going to get worse.  I won't be able to afford medication.  Without proper new skills training, and a job paying enough to afford insurance, medication and bills...well, something will have to give.  It will be my health. 
Looking at these actual facts, it just seems to me, I gave it a good go to continue where I am and I tried pick up where I left off at.  It probably won't happen.  After-all my life has been changed.

When in such circumstances, I've always turned to a Gypsy way of life in hopes of finding a new and right place.  The Gypsy calls and I feel the need to oblige.  As long as I can stay on the coastal areas!  I'll always have my escape and my true friend!

Such is the thought for the day.

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