Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Squirrely Girlie

Ah Spring, its a lovely time of year!  The sun is shining, people out walking instead of driving.  Spring is something we look forward to.  I always get a kick out of how many people are pregnant after winter.  Hmmmmm.  Long winter I suppose!! :)  Winter is far more productive for some than others!

It is time for me to get into the spring forward mood.  Normally I have jobs lined up and a busy schedule planned out.  Not this time.  It feels weird.  Don't know why.  It's been said that a person is in "grief" mode at least two years.  So what happens to those of us who still haven't gotten the hang of it?  Its been three years for me.  It isn't as painful, but it has definitely debilitated me in other ways.  I'm feeling squirrely.

I keep encouraging myself and yet I keep falling flat on my face.  Get up brush off, encourage, then think "you can do it", and again, fall flat on my face.  Maybe this year will be different.  Easier yet, buy shoes that don't have laces to trip on.  Oh right I can't.  Besides, is what I'm experiencing grief, or is it because I no longer have my focus?  My better half; the yin is gone from my yang.

I can see some improvement from last year, but I am still feeling squirrely.  Very jumpy about life in general.  I am concerned about my sudden doubt in work skills.  In fact within this past week I am very down on myself over this.  This is not a good thing when you are trying to find work.  It emanates from us and employers will pick up on it.   But it seems, especially this past week, I am rapidly losing confidence more so than ADH (after death of husband).  In some ways I have moved forward, other areas backwards and some areas I am stagnant.

 My lifetime belief of, "sometimes things aren't meant to be and you have to keep going" isn't really working.  Honestly, do you know how tired I am of telling myself this?   I especially resent it when others tell me this.  I wanna just give them a slap along side of the head and walk away.  But, that would be completely unsociable wouldn't it!  Its a fun thought once in a while and will keep you smiling.  If they only knew what you were envisioning!

On the spring note:  its free dump week up until mid month.   All your garbage you can haul away and get rid of for free!  What a deal! I had someone call and tell me this.  I busted up laughing.  I was seriously needing someone to talk to at the time this person called, but I didn't say a word.  Just that brief moment in my mind of..."Oh, I will start hauling  items out of the home."  How ironic is this?  Spring cleaning, hauling problems away for free, oh ya, boy do I have some junk to haul!

I wanna just do the ostrich and put my head in a hole so I can feel like I'm invisible to others.  So I suppose, since I'm feeling squirrely about life in general, I'll go through my personal closet too.  What doesn't need to be there and if I can see it and detach it or am ready to part with the junk pile it goes.  I do not think what I am feeling is grief.  Its something that has always been, only highly pronounced for the time being.  Again, due to losing my Yin.  My Zen Master.  I will probably have much more that I need to deal with.  Its one long string to the center of a hallow hole with a shriveled up carcass.

I don't know about anyone else, but once I finally decide to get rid of some negativity, I write it on a piece of paper.  I really focus on what I am writing on this paper.  Then I take a hammer and smash that piece of paper.  I try to envision the frustration leaving me.  Plus, I'll be honest, I get a very odd sense of enthrallment smashing that paper with a hammer.  If anything remains,  I torch it!  This is starting to sound gruesomely disturbed isn't it?  Well, it works for me and always has. I don't know if its considered fighting negative with negativity.  To be honest don't really care.  What does it matter.  It isn't hurting anyone and it doesn't hurt me.  It helps me release some pent up frustrations.

Is it time to get your piece of paper out too??  Maybe you would rather find a different way, or maybe you want to keep what you have of yourself good or bad since you've already lost so much.  I'm at the stage now where I need to roust out and chase off at least one squirrel.

 Today's post sponsored by:
A Widow's Perspective.

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