Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What Would I Do Different...

Have you ever asked yourself, if you had the chance to say or do something different would you?  Questions regarding the relationship you had, your missing link.  The vitality of your life, your one and only?

I find myself engrossed by the idea "stages of grieving."  Several individuals I am around lately are taking this to extremes.  Its as if all have an answer for me.  Why wouldn't they know, after all I'm sure they watched it on some sitcom, Oprah or read a book?

So the question pops up, if you had to do it over what would you do different?  Do you have any regrets?  After-all questioning or showing regrets to what you did, this is a part of grieving which promotes healing.

Now, exactly how am I supposed to respond to this?

It seems no matter where I go or what I do, someone is there to tell me these stages in some way and then retort, 'You haven't had time to grieve you need to grieve."  I find this incredibly odd.   Did I not cover my body with enough ashes, pound my chest and scream loud enough to be convincing?

Then there is the other side of the coin.  

"You've been grieving long enough.  Maybe you should get counseling because you can't move on.  Until you resolve this, you'll always be where you are."  What do they mean by that?  Always be where I am, you mean a total mess-up?

I have to inject this portion of my social experience with a sense of humor. Heaven knows if I didn't I'd be a jar of mixed nuts right now including the annoying peanut gallery.  I used to have some incredibly humorous retorts, but why bother?  Uh...didn't Bob Dylan address this in his song, "Blowing in the Wind?"
"The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.  Blowing in the wind..."
Realistically,  counseling is quite private.  The particular individuals who have some type of stupid advice regarding the stages of grief are not a part of my immediate life.  How would they know whether or not I am going to counseling.  Isn't the idea of counseling, or seeing a counselor, all about privacy?  Should I run out into the streets and shake hands saying, "Hey I'm getting better I'm going to counseling!"  Do you like me now?  I'm doing what you want.  Proud of me???

Incredibly pathetic when you really come down to it.  What right and what possesses an individual to condone anyone?  Especially when it comes to grief.  The bold and absolute audacity of this is insane in itself.  Personally, I would really like to say, "Gee, you really need to seek some counseling regarding the ignorance you maintain.  Can't you move on?"

Just to wrap this up quickly and make a good point-What I really dislike?  Let me tell you the most painful part of dealing with this:

I don't like being compared to other widows who are remarried or in a relationship. 
This type of comparison always sneaks up and you just know its gonna happen.  Immediately you begin to grit your teeth as a person points out casually, "oh have you heard...(here's my clue its going to be said) that so and so, who lost a husband near to the same time as you didn't they?  Well, they are very happy and living a wonderful life with a boyfriend or they are remarried living a great life. 
Do you want me to buy you a bag of salt to make sure you have plenty to thoroughly spread into the deepest portion of my wounds.  Thank-you.

This really pisses me off.   Unbelievable isn't it?  Am I jealous, I don't know maybe so.  Or maybe it isn't something I really need rubbed in my face.  I find it uncalled for.  What is the point?  Is this news report supposed to make me feel better, or give me hope?  Ever stop to think that maybe this type of news flash pisses me off or makes me feel like crap?

Well I have an answer to this BS question of what would I do different.    I wouldn't go through it.  DUH.

Another Edition Brought to You
Anyone mind if I make my own decisions now?


  1. Gee, why don't you tell us how you really feel:-)? I am a counselor by profession, and I have been in counseling since Gwen was first diagnosed five years ago. It works for me, but not for everyone. I loved your Bob Dylan quote. As for the grief, today really sucked for me, but I have to remind myself that it takes as long as it takes.

  2. LOL! My mom was a counselor also. I started out studying it (wanted to be like my mom) but flipped over to Anthropology. People fascinate me! Our societies create culture which dictates behavior. In my humble opinion.
    Yes, it takes as long as it takes. I'm doing much better, then it hits me!

  3. Thank you for your kind comment today. I guess the good news is that we're still up and about:-)

  4. My husband was diagnosed with Stage III, inoperable lung cancer. His tumor is 8 cm by 6-1/2 cm, which they tell us is very large; the largest the thoracic surgeon has seen. He is getting chemo and radiation now with the hopes of shrinking it enough so they can operate. If not, 3 more weeks of chemo and radiation and lots of prayer. I feel so sad everyday but try to keep a happy face for him. He is my soul mate and my best friend. I have loved him for 42 years and can't imagine life without him. I am trying to stay positive but finding that to be difficult.

  5. I'm sorry to hear this. Please contact a support group or find a support group of others in your hospital. That was the only thing I had were shoulders of others in the same situation somehow. You'll be in my prayers.


Welcome to "A Widows Perspective."
Please come in and make yourself at home. Your comments are appreciated.