Sunday, November 27, 2011


Usually a time arrives, in our lives, when we realize saying whatever about others in a bad way has negative repercussions.  For some individuals, they never seem to advance to this stage in life.  They do not recognize the negativity coming from their lips hurts not only them, but those they speak of. 

The most amazing thing is when widows gossip about widows.  Yet then, why would I be surprised over such an event?  What you were before you became a widow (er) only lies dormant until you allow it to make its way to the surface.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Taking a Deep Breath...

Taking a step toward a goal may seem like such an easy event.  It really should be, but for some reason, I continually chickened out.  Just as I was ready to take that step, in fact always in mid-stride, I'd receive a bantering of "you can't do that" or "you'll never do it."  This reverberates harshly in your heart when heard from those in the professional field of assisting those like me to get back on their feet and gain self confidence once again.  It has been, well, it affected me because I was losing faith in myself and what I could do. 

No matter, this really shouldn't stop a person.  What we do not realize is when we are in the situation of having a spouse pass away, a great deal of our inner strength goes into hiding.  We lose our footing.  We're scared.  We often succumb to criticisms because we are on such unsteady ground physically and emotionally.  Every piece of our personality has been stunned into a shock displacing our once grounded reality.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Wake Up!

Such lucid dreams. I used to have such dreams. When my husband was ill I would dream lucidly that he was not. Rare very rare is it for me to have a dream where he is still alive and I wake up confused.

Such dreams have been hitting as waves and bashing me against the rocks in my little world that is like a tiny dory on the seas of life. What exactly is going on and why after so long would I begin to have such dreams?

Its so odd really, I am so so sad in the dream yet happy at the same time. I am looking at him through a window frame. He's laughing and being playful as usual and I am laughing back. I miss the playing. Young at heart we will always be. Its bright ever so bright. I know he's gone and I'm so very sad, yet there he is on the other side of the window waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and so...alive.

On the other side of me, another window I can look through. I can't make out all the people there, but whoever they are, they make me happy, but I want to look longer through the window with my husband. He's alive for a bit and I must connect while I can...and suddenly in the dream, that dream that has been waking me up confused for days in a row...I realize this is a dream.

I am able to take control and wake up. Wake up Robin, don't be sad when you do. I wake up and focus on the light I have trained myself to look for. Ah, there it is the light on the heater. I know I am home. Now I begin to understand.

Something new, I can feel it, something is turning the tide in the sea of life again. This time I have no fear and I have my oars. I guess we'll see where this tide change takes me this time. I won't question it, I'll go with it. Why not?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Happy Birthday

Dear Rob,

Today is your birthday, the one day we've never forgot.  I remember how hard you fought to keep alive to see your birthday, yet were so sick all we could do was a cheer with a protein smoothie.  That's alright because as you said, you were happy to make it to your birthday.  Your birthday is always so important now.

Are you wondering how I am doing?  I bet you are, you ALWAYS worried about me.  Loved me unconditionally and took care of me far more than I realized.  Funny how independent and hard headed I was yet you put up with it.   Well, let me tell you what I have been learning.  Maybe it will make you laugh and feel better.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

What is Control?

Do any of us really have full and complete control over our lives.  Even those who are not going through the experiences we, "widows," endure daily?
I do wonder, and tonight I come to you with a few thoughts regarding this wonder.  When does one actually take control and how?