Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Where To Start, What To Do?

The most horrible question we have to ask of ourselves.

With time more of my experiences will be written, but this first post let's start with the present.

Presently, I am trying to recover my individuality that somehow disappeared.

Where did it go?  Oh, right, I became a widow. 

So now I am trying to wander away from the "widow" stigma bestowed upon me daily.  Not easy to do when we are reminded, in some way, daily, no matter how many years its been.  This stigma follows those who get remarried.  It is difficult to start over.

So, I've decided not to start over, but enhance my individuality by adding on to it. Right now I take great happiness in all accomplishments even if its just feeding my buddy Bryce the Newfie on time.

Three months ago I began changing my home around.  Why is that such an accomplishment?  Its a show of individuality.  Its my home and I can do what I want.  WOW....that's harsh.  My husband passed away November 30th, 2007.  It is now 2010.  I haven't touched a thing since that day.  That dreaded day.  No company over because I didn't want any.  I was ashamed at the disarray my home was in.  I made myself practically recluse.  Now I have friends coming over again slowly but surely.  They come over to see my accomplishments at reviving my home.  It feels good to have that support.

I was given so many help books, grieving books, etc, but was pretty much left by myself to deal with all I needed to deal with.  The books were thoughtful.  But I found I don't really fit in the "Widow" mold and how to deal with it.  Hmmm.  Maybe because we are not all the same.
  • How many have received such info from friends who mean well.  You call because you just want to talk and you hear, "Have you tried reading that book I gave you?" and thats the end of the conversation?
  • I'm not criticizing the books, they do help and comfort many individuals.  If this was the case for you how about listing some and letting us know how they helped?
A friend suggested grief counseling.  It probably would have helped, but funds were tight so I went to work a week after his passing.  I could no way afford grief counseling.
    Starting this blog I'm hoping that expressing my perspective might help myself and others. What is this being a widow or widower mean? I've been divorced, that hurt, and had my perfect husband lost to cancer, that really hurt.  So one step at a time.

    Look!  I actually finished my first blog!

    When you do something uniquely you,  share it!  Remember how good it feels to be human again and not just a "widow or widower." 

    By the way, I get lonely and I have a giant teddy bear I sleep with!  Yep thats right.  My aunt also sleeps with a stuffie and another person sleeps with her husbands clothes to keep his smell right there.  Even though they will always be a part of our lives, we can still be individuals.  Getting there is the hard part for some of us.

    Hope you all have a lovely day.  Pick one accomplishment and be proud of it.  Share it with us!  Its a good feeling!


    1. Wow, I think I'm catching on. Maybe. Good luck all of you who are finding your way in life.

    2. Robin .... I was so glad to hear from you. I've often wondered about you. You and I were both going through some tough times back in 2006. Although my situation had a better outcome with Mike's transplant, it could easily have been different. Like you, I stayed with Mike all the time ... which is why I worked from home so long. I couldn't have done it any differently.

      I hope that as time goes on, you will indeed "find Robin" again .... but know that she'll be a different Robin than the one you knew. I know that even I am a different person than I once was. Stronger. More independent. More intense about those things that important to me. More inclined to "change the things I can, accept the things I cannot" and yes, have "the wisdom to the know the difference." Life isn't usually what we expect, I've found. But I've also found that very fact is what moves us forward. We weren't meant to be the same person all our lives, I'm sure of it.

      Follow your dreams -- YOUR dreams -- now. It's not that Rob held you back. I don't think he was that kind of guy. But think about those things that you always wanted to do, but couldn't because of your obligations to your kids and to Rob. Now YOU are your future .... figure out what Robin wants and how she's going to make that happen. There is something out there that God in His wisdom has planned for you ... something He wants you to do to make the world a little better place .... or maybe just your small corner of it. If you look for it, you'll find it .... and I'm betting you'll do a bang-up job of it!!

      And just in case you are interested in checking out a book that may be helpful as you find your way, be sure to read this one:
      How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It's not just about widowhood, but about all kinds of love lost ..... I've sent this to several people over the years .... and several found it helpful. I gave it to my husband after his father passed away, and he found it helpful, too (and he isn't a self-help kind of guy :o) ...

      Good luck, my friend .... and please keep in touch. You've been missed!

    3. Thank-you for saying hello and sharing your perspective here! Yes! I've been gone oh so long, but this is my first step into coming back.
      Its so great to hear that Mike's transplant took! What a blessing transplants are. I can't help but think sometimes things are just not meant to be. We could question it all our lives and it will lead to nothing positive. Transplants have definitely saved lives. The gamble is well worth it in many circumstances.
      I hope you come back and lets post your business site shall we? This is all about helping each other through traumatic experiences. It is true that trauma is trauma to our psyche whether death, divorce or drastic change of life circumstances.

    4. I think you probably had a double trauma to overcome, Robin. I know how much trauma there was just in realizing that my husband NEEDED a transplant ..... and how that trauma was a non-stop fear factory, producing more and more fear straight up to and including the actual surgery and days in ICU when he couldn't seem to wake up. But the fears gradually subsided as they found the problem and he did finally wake up (3 days later), and then began the long recovery. One day at a time was all that got us through that.

      But you had the double trauma .... all the above, and then the realization that it wasn't going to work .... that science had failed. That's a lot to deal with. I know that because that was my fear when Mike wouldn't wake up ..... that all of it (including my son donating a kidney) had all been for nothing. I was mentally preparing for the 2nd trauma to hit .... but for some reason that only God knows, Mike did make it through. I'm sorry Rob didn't .... but God had a reason.

      God always has a reason. I've wondered the reason for things so many times in my life .... "why?" did this happen, or "why" didn't that happen? There have been moments after the fact when "the reason" for a specific thing just suddenly jumped up and hit me in the face like a slap that said, "Now, see? If that hadn't happened, you wouldn't have had this moment" -- OR "You couldn't have dealt with this, if you hadn't already experienced that." And then there are the reasons that we mere humans may never understand. That's where the blind faith comes in .... we just have to accept that God knows more than we do and that He has it all under control.

      If you do get your herbal therapy business up and running again (or any new business), we would happily welcome you back to the Creative Enterprises Network. You know that your friends there will support you in your efforts to begin again. I'm beginning again myself, in some ways. I shut down my own retail toy business, went back to work p/t at a university (in the Small Business Development Center there, where else? :o) .... and I'm just managing the CE Network now, as well as doing web sites for a very specific type of client: churches, organizations and non-profits. It seems the right thing for me to do at this time. I was fortunate enough to find a job that perfectly suits my interests ... and I can still do web design and maintenance for groups that can't afford to pay the big guys .... and they're clients I can feel good about.

      I feel as though things have turned out the way they are supposed to be .....not the way I was planning ..... but you know what they ask, "What makes us think we were ever in charge anyway?"

      Take care, Robin ..... and please email me from the site if you'd like to join us again. We'd love to help you in whatever way we can!



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