Monday, September 5, 2011

I will survive

One must take the time to question what happened. You especially feel this need when you feel so lost.  Reality is your life has been turned upside down, pulled out from under you, and for some of us, no way to support ourselves.   It affects us in different ways.  Some take vacations, some group with friends. Running to the water was my running toward answers I needed.  Where am I?

Being on ocean, feeling her moods, happy, sad, angry, or just content...this is my "Forest Gump" run.  Suddenly I see a little of myself reappear day by day.  Then the questions begin.  I  managed doing something that not many folks can do.  On spur of moment while ruthlessly working hard, a refreshing splash hits you and you realize, "I will survive"

A hiliarious blast to the psyche as you pull up a fighting coho doing a crocodile death roll, I can get by.  A large fighting King angry and diving deep down pulling the leader through your hand causing leader burns like hang on and whisper softly to the big boy smoothly bringing him up...and you land him!  I can do this.  You land the beauty into your checker and always say thank-you as you use a knife to cut a portion of the gill for bleeding.  Then another and another...just when you think you can do no more, when your body is screaming STOP, its time for dressing the fish to be sold.  You think, I can do this.

You ice the fish one by one placing them carefully to ensure quality and balance of the boats weight.  One mistake on that part and a gust of wind or a strong wave will send the boat on its side.  Devastation.  You smile to yourself thinking, I did it.  Its done, then the next round of fish are banging on your lines clattering up.  

Inside you are pained with sorrow still, but you know he's with you and proud of what you are doing.  Maybe not in agreement with the choice, but proud that you are doing it. 

The sense of freedom and the acceptance that inside my very soul, a gypsy will always exist.  Why not embrace this.  Why feel the need to be what others feel you should be.  Do they actually know you?  Not really.  Its at this time you have a quickening in your mind and soul.  

Who knows what is out there for me?  Not I.  I have tried to do exactly as others think I should.  Why can't I?  Why can't I be "normal" and "acceptable" to others?  Because, my spirit cannot be bound and be happy about it.  Just as I had too set my husband free to allow him to go where it is he had to go as he passed away in my arms, so must I stop imprisoning my spirit trying to do what others think are best for me.

I am not a failure.  A little mixed up of course.  Seriously lost, of course.  But, I will survive.  Thank-you my Lady for giving back my strength and I will definitely work on it this time.  If I have to stand my ground and not be brought down by verbal malevolence, so be it.  I know that door will open again for the next round of what is to be. 

What is there?  Who knows.  But I do know:

A Touch of Grey
Must be getting early, clock are running late.
Paint by number morning sky looks so phony
Dawn is breaking everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains I don't care, but it's alright
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I see you've got your list out, say your piece and get out
Guess I get the jist of it, but it's alright
Oh well anyway, sorry that you feel that way.
Every silver linings got a touch of grey
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It's a lesson to me, the ablers and the beggars and the theives
The abc's we all think of, try to win a little love.

I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears, but it's alright

Cow is giving kerosene, kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene, but it's alright
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Shoe is on the hand that fits, that's all there really is to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit, but it's alright

Oh well a touch of gray, kinda suits you anyway,
That's all I had to say, but it's alright
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It's a lesson to me, the devils and the East and the free
The abc's we all must face, try to save a little grace.

I will survive
I will get by

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