Thursday, May 12, 2011

These Are Days We'll Remember

Ally ally Rob runs free! 

Suddenly it happens.  You are hit with a two by four.  The very two by four you've been afraid to feel. The one that unexpectedly throws you off your feet.  An anticipated realization and decision that really feels real, that it is right and yes, indeed its very sane! 
You wait ever so long after the death of your spouse to suddenly one day feel such a sudden burst of warmth, that light of love that hits you in the face.  You weep quietly so as not to disturb.  Disturb What?   The joy that the one you love is free and its okay to be feel free even though it feels so wrong.  Sure you feel guilty because the person you were supposed to experience this with is gone.   It wasn't meant to be.  Its painful, it's your pain and won't go away, but it's okay.  It isn't your fault.  It feels like it, and you don't even realize it.  Its okay to embrace this burst of understanding even for the little time you may feel it.

The release, the escape, the quiet lovely hit in the chest.  Not the kind when you feel upon seeing the Death Certificate.. Somehow this hurt feels right.  Never knowing how long it may last, quick, quickly reach out to touch it.  Feel it, and start to know its feeling.  You can do it, its okay.  The lightening bolts to strike you dead will not show up.  It isn't true, honest.  They aren't there, we just think they are.

Sadly it slips away, further from you.  You feel it trickle through your fingers no matter how tight you hold it.  It now feels like fine grains of sand falling through your hands.  We can and must open up and allow things to touch us again.  A little at a time so you are not overwhelmed and just keep truckin' on.

Wow, you wonder what the hell has "Am I Truly a Widow" acting a tad bit touched?

 Well let me share my story, my odd, very odd Mother's Day.  It has taken me aback for a few days, but I see now.  I am reading the signs finally.  Along with careful planning, as careful as possible.

The story begins............
I'm sad because its mothers day.  I miss my mom terribly, I miss my husband and it's anniversary month.  I received flowers.  I never get flowers.  People I never heard from in ages were telling me Happy Mothers Day for the first time.  I had the most awkward lunch, well, just ain't even gonna go there and say what happened.  WEIRD...and most awkward.  Leaving that sour "Gawd why do I get myself into this" feeling.

The final boom was a close friend of mine who was the Entertainer at our wedding ceremony.  She posted the above link saying nothing except...Ally Ally Rob Runs Free! This was on Facebook. 

I was stunned.  I smiled, I click and listened.  Her and her husband learned this special request song for us because I so terribly wanted it as our exit song.  I wanted the newness of a new life, free with a new person to share it with, a beginning.  I wanted us to learn together to read the signs.  So this my friends, is our wedding song.  I thought I'd share.  Lyrics at the very bottom after my mug shot.

Coincidentally, I also called the closest folks to me and ran down the "new" life plan Elmer Fudd hat brought.  Awesome, I have a new plan.  First focus this home of mine I must leave.  People who knew me well, laughed when I said "Thanks to Elmer Fudd, this is my plan..."  Finally, a sane plan of action.

I'm scared.  Of course scared out of my wits, but you know what,  I read the signs today.  We were all in agreement my choice is sane as long as I stick to my plan. I am so sad to leave this home of mine, but I must do what I have to do.  I may be back every year to work during the summer, but financially, this is the smartest thing that I can do.

Most of all, 
How could I not, with the odd coincidence of this very song, our wedding song posted with such a beautiful and true approach suddenly see what is meant to be.  This song which has not been spoken of, played in numerous years.  Why today, why did she choose to post this today?

You see, Rob is an Eagle now and he soars high along with his ancestors.  He stayed on my window sill for three days after death.  I left food every morning.  I have lived here twenty years, no eagles on the small sill. Eagles do not do window sills.  This one did, and he would turn that giant head of his toward the window and tap with his beak.  Staring straight at me.  He was a juvenile who had not yet learned to fly free and needed food for the long journey.  His wings were not completely mature.  It was so painful, but I didn't not open the window.  My son and I would talk to him, tell him hello, and I would assure him, I'd be okay.  The boys (our dogs) sat pretty for him.  He is the only one they sat for like this.  Also, they did not go ballistic.  They remained soberly quiet.  We knew, all of us, it was dad.  My son said, "It's dad isn't mom?"  Rob would then leave.  He soared to the sky and joined those who he belongs with.   We made sure he had food for his long journey.

To my amazement and confusion, it didn't end.  He wasn't quite mature yet and continued to come back every year, only this month of May our anniversary month rather than November when he passed away.  The same routine.  Three days in a row.  Every year he showed up take the food and tap on the window, and I knew I couldn't open the window.  I had to allow him to be free.  Those beautiful deep eyes looking in the window.  He would eat his food and each year his flight grew stronger.  His attention drawn the the sky more.

This year he matured.  He has his full beautiful white head and has reached true maturity.  This year he showed, away from the window and on the fence.  He had his back to the window, his head turned enough I could see the strong all seeing eyes look inside my very heart.  He didn't touch the food.  He flew away.  He has not has not returned.

He is now mature enough to begin his life, he has his strength.  The painful sorrow I've held in was released in a park, lover lane, next to the ocean, where it all began.  I dropped to my knees, put my head on the bench and sobbed.  The sorrow I held in fearing it would be too much and he'd feel it wanting to fly back to me.  The fear I may stop his maturing as he would fly back to my rescue and pull me up with his strong talons and take me under his wings.

This year, four years old, he is now mature and his new life begins.  Now, I must separate myself from that and allow him to soar.  His gift to me, he never ever once clipped my wings.  I too must learn to soar again.  I clipped them myself and they now grow back!

What is the crazy Widow up to now?
A Widow's Perspective

These Are Days 
by 10,000 Maniacs
These are days you’ll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it,
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you

These are days that you’ll remember
When May is rushing over you
With desire to be part of the miracles
You see in every hour
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you are touched
By something that will grow and bloom in you

These are days
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It's true
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you

1 comment:

  1. Oh my Robin! Dare to dream and you shall soar above your sorrow - giving it new perspective. You have touched my heart and given me hope.


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