Sunday, June 6, 2010

Unfinished Business

Oh that dreaded unfinished business we all have.  Where to start.

 Beads they are some of my unfinished business.  I have so many beads I think I could decorate the town.  I do beautiful beadwork and haven't since Robs illness.  Beading has always been a positive outlet for me.  It allows me to express myself.   Time to break out the beads and get them all organized again. 

While snooping around my disheveled home to gather up all sources of beads,  I found a worn leather necklace with two very distinctive old cobalt blue beads on it.  This finding sent me into a whirl of memories and the gut wrenching pain of some unfinished business I needed to deal with.  What I held in my hand was Robs Carvers beads.  Oh how that brings back memories.  The one thing Rob did finish and his reward was two very special beads.  They have such spiritual, family, honor, and community inter-connectivity.   I couldn't begin to write the symbolic meaning of the carvers beads.  At first the tears flowed, but then I had to giggle because Rob was notorious for unfinished business.  More so than I.  But look at this, he left me proof that he does finish some business and I too must finish some business.

The disastrous day came when I had to ask him, "Rob, you want cremated, but what do you want me to do with your ashes?"  It was the hardest question I have ever asked in my life.  This was admitting his journey here was ending and would be picking up elsewhere without me.

His response, which did not surprise me, was, "I don't know honey, its ashes what would I care?  What do you think?"

What do I think?  WHAT DO I THINK?  I think I'm living in a dream and wish I would wake up from it and everything is going to be alright.

I  waited a few days and asked again, "Rob what am I going to do with your ashes?  Would you like to help me pick out an urn?"

He sat up and said, "What ever you do, do NOT spread me at sea.  I like that urn wanna share it?"  He went on to explain to me that the worse way to die would be to drown in the ocean living in the darkness forever.  He'd thought about that every time he went fishing.  I asked him what I should say to his friends who love him? I explained his friends need to be able to mourn his death also.  Then he said, "My friends can take care of themselves, it's you I'm worried about, when its time you will know what to do.  No spreading me at sea."  That was his final words on this matter.

So I have Rob's ashes.  I can't count the times that I had someone come up to me and said the chilling words of, "Hey I'd really like to visit Rob where do I go?" and I have to say..."well, he's still at home with me."  The next year the same question only with a "I want to go visit Rob have you given him a place yet?"  He's still at home.  I was feeling so pressured and like I was doing something wrong keeping his ashes and urn here until I knew what Rob would want.

Awhile back I checked into one place here and although nice, I just can't bring myself to put his ashes in there. I consulted with his clan relatives and they gave me some very thoughtful ideas.  Now I feel its time I can do this.  So I been working on that today.

Given time, I now accept there is no shame in keeping Robs urn with me.  No one has the right to tell me otherwise.  We will share the urn.  But the some of his ashes will be taken care of differently.  Its taken me awhile, but his friends who knew him would understand and agree.  Its a sad day, but a good day all the same. 

Meanwhile, I gather my beads together and begin the long process of sorting and organizing.

This means going through boxes of memories.  Sweet memories.  It hurts because I miss him so much, but  I now understand although his journey is without me, and I am on a journey without him, our bond only grows stronger.    Its a nice feeling.

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