Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Void

I find myself sometimes lost and not posting.  This is not a positive issue.  I started this blog to share my experiences, good, bad, embarrassing, humiliating, and the infamous epiphany thoughts in order to be an inspiration to others.  To also just let others know, you are not alone.

So today, I sit and write.  I've been going through many items again.  After-all I have a home that at one time had a family of five.  All have moved and I am with myself.

Years ago my husband once asked me, what am I to do with all this stuff.  I responded with, "Throw it out, take it to the dump, quick before anyone notices."  I came home and it was all gone.  So happy I was.

Two weeks ago I had to climb into the roof space to see what all was going on and look for a leak.  To my surprise, boxes, not just boxes but bags, boxes, computers, printers, tv's, oh the list goes on.  All those things I thought were husband tucked safely in the roof.  It brought a huge smile to my face.

Of course, I am overwhelmed, but it made me realize how much he treasured us as a family.  He didn't have the heart to dump it.

So I sat there, tearing up, and thinking, will I ever find someone like you again.  The answer is:  no.  Not ever.  We had something special.  I cherish this.

Maybe one day someone may come along and sweep me off my feet, but it will never be my husband.  Its sad, but not really.  Such a special man.  Why would I want to replace that?  The pain was so bad, I honestly tried to play denial.

So now I name this.  The Void.  The void I feel should be filled with me and the vitality it takes to go on a new journey in life.  Time to turn the page of an unfinished book.  He always encouraged me.  Sure, I feel lonely, sad, and yes a huge void.  This void must be recognized and used effectively, otherwise it controls me.  The void will forever suppress what I was meant to do in my life.  Any chance for happiness will be trampled by my self inflicted demise.   This void is meant to be filled and I have to choose to become a whole person again.

I've come to realize, I've been in panic mode.  Four years of panic mode and fear of taking a step into life.  His illness was intense and for an entire year.  Waiting each day for this void to disappear or miraculously dissipate is not going to work.  Its my void.  For me, I believe it doesn't necessarily get better.  However, we have the ability to begin accepting what has happened.  We have the opportunity to make adjustments, baby steps at a time, each step is a gigantic leap to healing.

Quite frankly, I hold him dear like any of us experiencing a loss agonize what do I do now?   This month, in two days, will be the third year of his passing.  I reflect back and realize, he was so special.  We were so meant to be together.  He left early.  Why he was taken so early--this is a question I do not ask because I honestly believe there will never be an answer. 

It is the void I must focus on.

So many misguided choices I have made.  At one time I thought filling the void with someone else would make the pain go away.  This simply is not true.  The memories are too dear to ban for life.  No, the void needs to be filled with memories and the ability to appreciate and respect myself.

It is time now to take my void and fill it with love.  I will not lose anything by this.  It was a weakness and I made many bad choices.  It's alright.  It happens.  Now I remind myself my void will no be a negative part of mourning, no longer rule my life and be negative.  Instead my void will be my strength.  My conviction to discover what destiny lies ahead.  To learn, to grow, to have sweet memories, and to modify allowing much needed change. 

With little steps at a time, and constant reminding, my void will be my best friend.  :)

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