Friday, February 24, 2012

Save My Soul

It has been far too long that I have revisited the process of my grieving soul.  Do I no longer grieve?  No, this is not the way it works.  Of late I have had so many thoughts, so many events and then new curiosities presented before me.

It seems my soul is seen to be unclean.  It is seen as sinful.  It is seen as needing saved.  If it is not a knock at the door, or a call on the phone, then its an invite for coffee. Quite frankly, I know my soul.  I have much to learn.  We all have much to learn.  Being that as it may, I am very much beginning to feel as if the idea "heretic" has raised its ugly head again.  Does this mean that my life, the choices I make, at my age, through my experiences, I am now a heretic? 

I have even been invited over for coffee and to my dismay, something "special" they wanted to read to me.  Of course a very heartfelt story about how a Man of God lost his daughter on Christmas Day two years ago, devoted his life, in the name of his daughter, to save 100,000 souls or more to enter the gates of heaven.  Then I hear repeat after me...I ___ now accept Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, into my heart...

I very politely smiled and said, NO.  Not because I do not believe in God, but because I do not accept the manner in which this is being done.  Also, note, to ask me first as to whether or not I am a Christian, would be the "Christian" thing to do, rather than assuming I am a heathen.  A heretic led into a life of evil and away from my Lord God's loving arms. 

Last year many thought the world would end December 12th because we'd all go under Martial Law.  Concentrations camps have risen up throughout our godless country to persecute those who do not believe the way the government wants them to.  Seems to me disturbed individuals are providing grossly incorrect information.  At least get the date right.  It will be solstice of this year.  I say this with a smile.  Why?

I am smiling seeing, although I have risen my tyrannical character then tamed her again and again, soon will come the day when my tyranny will burst through.  I thought, in all honesty, the emotional draining, the traumas, the need to continue enjoying life and the fact I have paid a high price in life, would truly be recognized.  I believe when I am ready I AM allowed to continue on about my life, the way I deem fit.  I do not wear black, nor do I smudge my body with ashes and starve myself to death.  By the way, this trully doesn't help with the grieving process.  But to be seen as a non-spiritual human who has no faith? 

Really and honestly.  Stop and think.  I am surviving because I have faith.  I trod on because I have faith.    This overwhelming evil versus good is intense and truly, I do not want that in my life.  Not only do I have no want nor desire for receiving undeserved accusations and assumptions to my spirituality,  but also, I have the right to continue on the path I, feel is the best for me.  We do not live in another person's shoes.  Only ours. 

I am beginning to wonder if a newly released "Canon Law" has been successfully redeemed with new updated interpretations? Is this all widows need to be saved?  Or just those of us who use profanity, or joke about cooking in cauldrons, or GASP start dating again?

 Sometimes we need help, but we certainly do not need to have utter bullshit shoved in our face.  I will no longer be polite and thoughtful of others feelings when they mean to do me direct negativity.  I have learned the most valuable lesson of all, that is the word..."NO."  No, this makes me uncomfortable.  No I prefer not to discuss this.  No, I do not want to drive you around.  No, I do not want to put cash in the pot to save and help buy rations for the second coming.  I feel like I have been going through one. 

I will always have an open mind.  I have always had one.  I will never lose my ability to hear two or three sides and see meaning to all but still make my own decision. 

Thank-you for allowing me to share this with you my public journal friend.  I will now start up my outdated broom and get on with my day warts intact.

1 comment:

  1. Isn't it amazing how so many see us as "lost" now that we're widows? I found so many seemed to shun me because I didn't live up to their expectations.....didn't want to play by their rules, so they took their balls and went home....and then wondered why I quit coming around. I left the church I'd been a busy participant in because of various reasons, especially because of seeing me as not needing a helping hand anymore. Who are they to judge I don't need help from anyone?

    I so empathize with you and your feelings and hope that you'll continue to post about them....I love your thoughts and look forward to seeing them pop into my inbox.




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